Really need some help navigating DS(6) meltdowns

[Bussythevampireslayer]

I feel like I'm doing everything wrong and I just don't know how to help him. Really need some advice 😭

My DS(6.5, y2), has recently started having meltdowns over really trivial things (although I appreciate they won't be trivial in his mind). He's always been quite sensitive and struggled with his emotions, but it has recently ramped up somewhat...

I'll describe what happened this morning, because I'm not sure how I should have dealt with it...

DS gets a book from school everyday. He tends to read one a day because he just absolutely loves to read. We read together before bed and then he reads on his own in bed. He brought a book home yesterday that was about 200 pages long. He even said to me himself "I probably won't finish this in one day". I agreed with him, and we both said it will probably take at least 3 days, and that was that. Anyway, he read a lot of this book last night, then read some more this morning, until he had about 20 pages left. Problem was, we had to go to school. I gave him plenty of warnings, but when it got to the point of packing up to leave, all hell broke loose. Full on jumping up and down like he was possessed. Screaming his head off, hiding under the chair and just wailing and wailing. All he could say on repeat was "I want to finish my book I want to finish my book". I really didn't want him to be late for school, but I didn't feel like it was right to just pick him up and carry him outside with him in that state. So, I tried to sit near him and say I'm ready to talk this through when he is, but all he kept saying was "I'LL NEVER BE READY I JUST WANT TO FINISH MY BOOK". It's like he wasn't registering anything I was saying. In his head, he had a task and that task must be completed (a task he set himself, noone else). I was on the verge of tears myself because it was so hard to watch and navigate. Eventually I got him out the door to walk to school with his dad, still sobbing away.

I don't want to restrict his reading, but at the same time I don't want him to become all-consumed by it. Or, read a book because he wants to say he's finished it, rather than for the love of it.

These meltdowns are happening more and more. If his dad starts singing a song he doesn't like, he'll yell STOPPPP and if his dad doesn't stop right away, he'll shout at him and become really rude. If we're talking and I accidentally interrupt him (sometimes that's just natural conversation...), he'll shout at me for interrupting him. I wouldn't let him watch TV yesterday at all, which was a punishment for something else, and all he kept saying to me all morning and evening when he got home was "I wish I could watch TV, that's all I want, I want to watch it, I can't think of anything else". Just over and over and over. I didn't give in, but my god...

We've also moved into the "I hate you" camp.

Any advice? I feel like the worst parent ever. He's clearly struggling to control his emotions and I just don't know what to do.

You're not the worst parent ever. Trying to talk to them when they're heightened/dysregulated doesn't work, sadly. They need time to calm down. This is meant kindly, but does your ds have a diagnosis - I'm saying this because you used the term "meltdown" and he seems to have quite obsessive (reading) and controlling (singing) behaviours.

Sorry to be that mumsnet mum who suggests SEN but that was my immediate impression based off this post. Sounds like a meltdown around transitions (having to stop the book and go to school) and then being upset about the sensory sound of someone else singing. My son stops me about two words into me singing !

Maybe the change from year 1 to year 2 has been a big adjustment and so he’s now quick to lose control of emotions at home

You sound like a pretty good parent to me. Speaking as a tantrum chucker myself, and coming from a family of tantrum chuckers...

He's a rigid thinker. That's just who he is. He can't self manage yet so you need to manage the flashpoints for him.

This kind of rigidity sometimes goes with anxiety - getting anxious and obsessed over some problem that Must Be Solved Right Now and unable to calm oneself down until it is solved. I'd like to say I never get into that state myself but that might not be honest.

I don't have a good solution to the book situation, not once he was 20 pages from the end and with school to go to. He'd started so he was going to finish and there is no way I could have got him out the door and to school without all hell breaking loose. As a pp said, he was totally focussed and he'd worked himself into a state over it and he wasn't taking anything in. No amount of sitting with him was going to calm him. You did as well as you could.

In future you might need to to impose more rules and routine on him even about reading. He might need set times for when he can start reading his big book and when to stop. He sounds like a fast reader so when it's time to stop he can finish the chapter and then that's that. And maybe no reading in the morning before school. Alternatively, when he brings a big book home, then before he starts reading you can discuss with him how many days it SHOULD take to read and agree where he will read up to today and where he will stop and then make sure he stops at that point. So that he doesn't have an insoluble problem filling his head "how to finish my book TODAY" before going to school.

Ignore nagging. In fact ignoring is your friend for whining and venting and anything else that is annoying but basically harmless. And when I say ignoring I mean the kind of ignoring that you can win an Oscar for.

"I hate you" is fine. If you want to piss him off reply cheerily "well I love you" and move on fast.

The shouting and becoming really rude when his Dad sings - he needs an alternative coping strategy. Can he leave the room? Stick fingers in his ears? Ear mufflers? You might need to talk it through with him when his Dad isn't singing - what's the problem, what are possible solutions?

Reacting very strongly to being interrupted is another rigidity thing. He might have a slight verbal processing delay. It's as if his mind is on rails, your interruption has derailed him and he can't get back on track. He can neither shift to your track nor get back on his own. If he rabbits on and never gives you a chance to speak then you could use a visual signal like a card or a hand held up to tell him to wind up and let you speak.

You might benefit from reading Ross Greene's "Explosive Child" book (oldie but goodie). Your DC is not as extreme extreme as the kids in that book but he's got some inflexibility issues and a temper and Green explains how to manage those pretty well.

Another thumbs up for The Explosive Child. My DH listened to it on Audible and really changed how we approach our son’s behaviour, for the better. We dont always get it right though and do get frustrated at times , as all parents do.

I would have let him finish the book just this once and then figured out with him how to avert the schedule conflict in future. He is reading for the love of it, and often books build up that suspense right until the end. So I empathise with him because there have been books I have read cover to cover. How much time did this meltdown eat up? it sounds like it lasted a good 10-15 mins and then how long does it take to walk to school?

I’m almost willing to bet that if you’d let him continue reading or said, quick, I will drive you to school and you can read in the car until the last second, that would have worked a bit better. If he sees you as his ally, there won’t be the total emotional overwhelm. Too as a child with SEN, it is ok for them to be late to school now and then.

I disagree with the poster that recommended being more strict and dictatating x pages only to be read from this time to that. That will suck all the joy out of reading and feel like a huge punishment. He reads and that is something to encourage and facilitate.

On the noise of singing, your DH needs to stop his caterwauling when asked and not persist. SEN means that kind of noise intolerance can be physically painful headache generator. Of course he is going to get “rude” if he is being rudely ignored.

On the interrupting, this is not understand what interrupting is ok and what is not ok. So be careful that if you can interrupt him, he should be able to interrupt you. With SEN he will sense any double standard as unfair and unjust.

Punishments aren’t good for things caused by SEN. It is much better to figure out why they behaved the way they did and then accommodate the environment or response so that the SEN doesn’t push them into such behaviours.

I disagree with the poster that recommended being more strict and dictatating x pages only to be read from this time to that. That will suck all the joy out of reading and feel like a huge punishment. He reads and that is something to encourage and facilitate.

Would you say the same about computer gaming? I was a child before there were computer games and reading was what we obsessives did. I've never yet seen restrictions stopping a child wanting to play a computer game. It's the same with reading, the kids who are put off are the ones who don't much want to read anyway. It sounds as if he was already up half the night reading and that probably didn't do his temper any good either.

It's not about punishment it's about limits. He's six years old, he doesn't know how to set limits for himself or have the self-control yet to limit the things he enjoys.

(Though having said that I do like your co-operative approach in general.)

My 4yo is very rigid and if he cannot finish a task he really struggles and would have the same reaction. It’s hard to manage at times and I don’t think you did anything wrong as school is one of those non negotiable tasks.

i use distraction a lot when I can sense this coming or I know he can’t complete something to the level he’s going to want to.

i do try and negotiate things with him where possible though to give him some control as that usually makes things smoother when we’re having to transition.

Agree with PP about the singing could be physically painful to him. My two also do similar things and say it hurts so it’s not that they just dislike it, it’s more than that.

Thank you everyone for the posts, this has helped me immensely, genuinely. I've ordered the explosive child. I've also ordered the "how to talk so kids will listen" book, so that's me sorted with my reading for a while!

I'm honestly not sure about SEN. I've wondered in the past, and I'm keeping it on my radar, but I'm finding it tricky where a lot of his behaviour could just be typical for a 6 year old boy. For example he's never struggled with eye contact, and can pick up on my emotions pretty well (apologies for the generalisations!) But then he's also very rigid and gets "stuck in a loop".

I struggle with the limits around reading because I don't ever want it to seem like I'm punishing him, or to associate any negative feelings with it. Luckily his teacher spoke to him today about reading three chapters a night, and not letting it take over other important things like sleeping and eating breakfast! He responded well to that conversation, so that's good.

In hindsight I think I could have provided better warnings this morning, I just didn't realise what an issue it was going to be until it was too late!

It sounds like my son who is most probably autistic. Also 6 and Y2 and an excellent reader. We have times where something has to happen in an obsessive / rigid way.

I hate to advise this as it’s rolled out so much but honestly, ChatGPT has revolutionised my meltdown parenting. It is able to be the better ‘person’ when everyone else is in a heightened state. I write in what’s happening and it essentially gives me a script to subtly read out and 4/5 times it works wonderfully. At those times my body enters fight or flight mode and I really struggle to remain objective. But reading the script helps me and helps him feel listened to.

An example from this afternoon’s script (and believe me when I say I would have no chance alone or getting him to gymnastics!)

You (calm voice, soft tone):
“I can see you’re really upset because you lost the game. It’s okay to feel that way — losing can feel really hard.”
(pause, give him space — don’t rush yet)
You (after a moment):
“When you’re ready, we need to get dressed for gymnastics. You don’t have to talk right now — just take some deep breaths with me.”
(take a few slow breaths yourself, so he can mirror you)
If he stays under the bed:
“It’s okay to stay there for a bit if you need to calm down. I’ll get your things ready for gymnastics. You can come out when you feel a little better.”

Great that the teacher gave your ds that talk. It might be worth reiterating her message in the mornings, so he knows getting ready for school is the priority.

Eye contact and emotions can be red herrings with ASD and are not always indicators. My dd (who has ASD) could not cope with stopping a desirable activity before leaving for school eg books, tablet. We just had to get ready and go.