What would you do/how would you feel?

[Mcgttc]

My parents have moved into a house we built for them on our farm. There was no stipulation they had to help in any way, it was more of a place for them to retire into when they were ready and we’d be on hand 24/7 for support if/when needed. They are mid/late 60s and are both still very active and able. My mum helps a bit on the farm and they both do a bit of gardening to help us out. Dad likes to wash cars, chop logs. Mum is quite happy pottering doing odd jobs. They have more of a towny background. Dad’s behaviour has changed over the year they have lived here. He’s always grumpy. Just wonders about. If he had a “job” to do he has to get it done as quickly as possible. If he goes to the shop he goes and gets back as quickly as possible. If we have visitors he sort of hides away. I’ve always known they drink. But didn’t quite realise to what extent until they moved in. A bottle of wine a night if not more. Or 4 or 5 cans of beer. apparently he’s not happy being here. He never sees anyone or speaks to anyone. But there’s nothing tieing him here, well I mean he now lives here, but, he doesn’t have to be home all day every day. If you suggest he goes fishing one day, or into town or meet up with a friend, he says there’s always something to be doing at home. But then says he’s got nothing to do. Money - I would go to the shop and get them milk if they needed it. Pennies. I wouldn’t ask them for it. If he went and got us milk he’d want the exact amount back. I mean I don’t mind paying obviously but it’s pennies! If we go shopping and he pays, as soon as we’re home he wants the money back. It’s as if he can’t live without £10 for an hour. Never as babies did he change our nappies, he worked EVERY day, so he didn’t have to do anything with us (mums words). We wernt allowed in his car incase we got it mucky. Everything he does has set times, he’s very structured. He struggles to share. He’s actually quite a selfish man. But he’s my dad and I still love him. I didn’t build the house for them to get anything back in return. Except for them to be happy and enjoy their life. But that’s not how it’s panned out. Is he depressed?
Not quite sure what I’m gaining by writing this. Just needed to get it off my chest.
but any words of wisdom or thoughts or experience would be appreciated.

It sounds like he’s maybe feeling quite isolated. Country living isn’t for everyone. If he lived in town he could walk to the local shops/pub or whatever. Even if he didn’t, just knowing he could makes all the difference.
Were they renting before or did they have a house? Is there a possibility they could move back to town?
He may also be missing his work routine and a sense of purpose.

If your mum is more open than him, have you chatted to her about it? Asked if they are happy? If not, they are still young! Seriously, people live well into their nineties these days. No need for him to be pottering around on a farm for thirty years if he'd rather be in town. Rent out the home you built and use the rent money to pay for a small place in town for them.

If they object to this suggestion, have a really frank chat with him and say he is too grumpy and penny pinching. He needs to find something to occupy his time that he actively enjoys as he is heading towards being really petty and dissatisfied like Victor Meldrew.

@MultiFucktional they owned the house they were living in and sold when they moved. Absolutely, although he’s been retired for quite some years now and didn’t do much when they lived in their own house so not sure what’s changed since they’ve moved.

@Cinaferna I have asked mum and she is happy, but said dad doesn’t like being here. But I don’t force them to be here! They are choosing to be here. So… he could go to men’s clubs in town or days out with mum or fishing or weekends away, but he can’t do them because “there’s to much to be doing at home” but in the next sentence says there’s nothing for him to do. It’s a no win situation. Only he can make the change

Did they contribute to the cost of the build and now he’s left feeling short?
or a case of the retirement pot only has X amount in it and once it’s gone it’s gone so he’s watching every penny but going a bit far?
it could just be that it’s made him feel old/towards retirement now he’s around a young family day in Day out.
depressed?
Or…. finally- he’s always been like that and you’ve only just noticed due to living in close proximity

@GinandGingerBeer no they didn’t contribute towards the build. We done it ourselves so in the future it would belong to us along with the farm. Have wondered about depression but don’t really want to rock the boat and ask him

I think you need to talk to him about how he's feeling - he's obviously unhappy.

My Dad was quite depressed when he retired, but joined the local mens shed - after quite a lot of encouragement - and then had things to do, and from there got involved in charity work, which made him feel useful again, he was so much happier.

Your Dad needs something to do - volunteering would be ideal, or even a paid part-time job.

there obviously isn't always something to be done in their new build home, but he needs something to do.