My Dad is proud of the fact that all money has always been shared

[Hoodedfinger]

My parents married in 1969.

From day one everything was in joint names. The only exception since has been ISAs where you can't, and they don't like that.

Dad has always been the higher earner. Mum was SAHM while we were young, a teacher before and after.

This always seemed a good model to me. All financial decisions were completely shared, but then they were both sensible with money.

In my own marriage, things were much the same (I'd grown up to believe this was how it should be) and most was in joint accounts. However, DH had no interest in our finances. I managed everything, so although in theory he had free access to everything, he basically just asked me what we could afford.

I'm now widowed several years, in a comfortable financial position with a new partner.

Recently Dad has been in hospital. He's only met DP a couple of times previously, but he's been coming with me to visit, which Dad appreciates. They've chatted a lot and for some unknown reason Dad has explained how their finances are organised. He's usually very private about money.

Anyway, I am by far the better off partner in the new relationship and our finances are entirely seperate. I might occasionally treat him to a coffee, but generally we pay everything 50/50. This feels right to me and he hasnt queried it.

It occurs to me that "we" like shared finances when women benefit, but not so much when i'ts in favour of the men....

True, when just dating we split stuff 50-50. Then when we moved in together I paid more. Not for daily expenses but for nice holidays etc. Only when married did we open a joint account.

But in any case I never thought I shouldn't share my finances because I'm the woman.

I think as others have pointed out, people are broadly in favour of shared finances despite a disparity in income in a couple who have made a joint decision that one will stay home to care for children. The person who stays home is usually a woman.

I don't think anyone would suggest that a man in a relationship with someone who earns or has way less than him would be pooling his finances for no real reason?

It's a totally different situation OP.

DH and I have been together since very young, have 3 young children and share everything. Similar to your DH, mine has no interest and I run the show but he has equal access to and say in all finances. At the start of the relationship he earned more, now I do. We share child reading and both work full time. It feels very fair to me, and we make an effort to try to ensure pension pots are equal as well, as our savings grow. We are trying to build up good equity, savings and pension.

Should either of us be widowed, we have both said we wouldn't join finances with a future partner. What we have built so far is for each other and the children. No way would I marry again or join finances and risk losing money or other assets to someone who hasn't been there all along.

I'm happy to be all in with DH, what we've got is because we've built it and grown it together. With a new partner it would be a different story.

If I earned way more than a partner I wouldn’t expect them to go 50/50 unless we were not that involved and/or keeping our activities within their usual means.

But I think there’s a massive difference between (a) sharing finances with your (first) spouse, especially if you have children and jointly build a life together, and (b) a new partner who comes along when you’ve already done all that, and you possibly each have your own separate children and assets.

Who suggested that partner visited your father with you in the hospital? Him or you?

How long have you and partner been together.

Do partner and you live together.

Does partner have assets - moveable and/or fixed.

Does partner have children from a previous relationship.

Keep it that way!!

Also, as others have said, I’m the high earner out of me and DP and we share finances now that we have DD. He works 30 hours a week and does more childcare.

By any chance did he bring it up with your dad??

Id be very careful.

Me too. No new man and his kids would benefit anything of mine and my dc.

I would not merge finances unless married. Also a DP where you do live together with joint mortgage maybe joint account for bills, but anyone on a joint account can empty a joint account. If you are married you are deemed to own it equally anyway but not if unmarried.

No absolutely not. They were talking about football. It was very odd, they way Dad put it into the conversation.

We have completely shared finances and I'm happy that way. However, if DH were to die and I found a new partner I'd keep everything separate. I think there's a difference between a) starting out together with nothing and building a life, having DC etc, and b) getting together later in life when you already have assets and probably won't be having children together.

I also wonder whether your partner was the one to raise the subject.

Take the time to research thoroughly, weigh your options carefully, and choose what fits your situation best. Protect your assets wisely, hold back if trust is lacking, but don’t be overly frugal without cause. Have an open conversation with your partner to understand what works for both of you while considering his perspective. Work together to find a solution that benefits you both. With genuine trust and respect in the relationship, problems won’t arise. It all comes down to building that trust and respect.

My parents have always shared finances regardless of circumstances. It has works well for them.

I'm married and have children with my husband. In our household, we manage both individual and shared accounts. The shared account cover joint financial responsibilities, while the individual accounts handle personal expenses. We make it a point to communicate regularly and discuss what works best for both of us and our children. We believe we've made, and continue to work on making, the best financial decisions for our family. I've been a stay-at-home mom for several years, earning passive income from various sources, while my husband has a well-paying career.

How new is a new partner? Do you live together? I don't think you need to be worrying.

You are implying women only like when it benefits them to share finances. But with your parents your dad benefited hugely too, just not in a cash way.

If you earned a lot more than your partner I'd say yes maybe do spend more one going out etc but as you earn similar amount I don't see why you would.

It occurs to me that "we" like shared finances when women benefit, but not so much when i'ts in favour of the men

Cannot speak to your situation but only in general terms. Usually, it’s having children and assets that complicate things. For a first marriage it’s more typical that neither party are asset rich and they have shared kids which both parents ‘share’ in the upbringing, so it’s often easier to have joint finances. If that first marriage ends for whatever reason then it’s a completely different scenario for future marriage/relationships. There are then existing assets as opposed to working together in whatever agreed way to build assets to begin with.

DH and I have shared finances, always have and we wouldn’t have it any other way if we could go back in time with a choice to do things differently. However if something happened to one of us, and we re-partnered, there is no way either of us would then share finances as this risks the assets we have built up for our children’s sake. I believe this is common.

How would I react to a better off man? Well, I’ve been very explicit with my husband that if I die first, I don’t care if he gets a girlfriend and enjoys his life. I will come back and haunt him if he gives away our money. That belongs to our child if it isn’t needed for his own end of life care.

i find men who don’t protect their assets for their children embarrassing.

Feel a bit sorry for your partner here, he's being nice coming a log with you at a difficult time, and he seems to getting accused of all sorts by the people on this thread.

what an odd post.

It's a fairly new relationship, you are both working adults & pay your own way.

Seems fine to me.

He's your boyfriend,if he's only met your parents a few times
I'd agree with you if you'd been married 20 years to this man

I think there is a very big difference between everything being shared in a marriage that brings children into it, and there's a vast difference in both earning (especially if one is a SAHP - whether man or woman) but would still 'argue' there's a benefit to each having their own ISA/pensions/credit card., vs a new partner later in life where there is an unequal footing.

You only have to stick around long enough on Mumsnet to see new partners impact on finances/inheritance for children and/or how complicated and unfair it can be on subsequent children. There can also be staggering disparities between the lives of yours, mine and ours.

While I think there's nothing wrong with treating a partner to a coffee, meal, or even a nice getaway for birthdays etc., I think being deeply intentional about what that looks like in light of the fact you met after children and in later years, is important and in some ways will protect your relationship because you will go into it with transparent expectations.

I think if you marry late in life it's madness to merge funds.
Earlier in life is different but there has to be conviction that being a SAHM and employment are an equal burden, and often times it's honestly not, although it can be skewed in either direction depending on the household, the salary, the job, how much attention the kids need, how near schools are, and many other variables. But generally speaking, it's not equal, no.

I guess it doesn't matter as long as both partners are happy.

As soon as DH moved in with me, everything went into a joint account (at that time I'd paid a 30% deposit on my flat, but he was earning twice as much). Since DD was born, I've either had time at home or worked part-time, so DH has always earnt a lot more. He's also inherited some money from family. He's now retired and I'm working part-time. Nothing is guaranteed, but I could potentially inherit 4x what he did, that person knows we share everything and it works for us, so no problem. So over the years, it's been a bit of give and take, but we've never had a disagreement over finances.

It occurs to me that "we" like shared finances when women benefit, but not so much when i'ts in favour of the men....

I don't know what you mean by this? Your Mum didn't benefit by taking time out of her career. She did it to look after you, but it was a sacrifice she made to her detriment. Reduced career options and a worse pension. You don't sound grateful that she made this sacrifice. Your Dad will have benefitted enormously, as she will have been doing the loins share of housework and child rearing, making his life easier.

In my 1st marriage, everything was shared from the start. We were late teens and didn't have a pot to piss in.

My 2nd marriage is different, as we met in our late 30's, and came to the table with different assets. I had a house, DH didn't. I have to consider that I want my house to go to my children, not DH who could re-marry and then die, leaving my house to some random woman !!

You're comparing two very different scenarios. Your parents were married, sharing a house, and rising kids. You and your partner aren't in that situation.