My Dad is proud of the fact that all money has always been shared

[Hoodedfinger]

My parents married in 1969.

From day one everything was in joint names. The only exception since has been ISAs where you can't, and they don't like that.

Dad has always been the higher earner. Mum was SAHM while we were young, a teacher before and after.

This always seemed a good model to me. All financial decisions were completely shared, but then they were both sensible with money.

In my own marriage, things were much the same (I'd grown up to believe this was how it should be) and most was in joint accounts. However, DH had no interest in our finances. I managed everything, so although in theory he had free access to everything, he basically just asked me what we could afford.

I'm now widowed several years, in a comfortable financial position with a new partner.

Recently Dad has been in hospital. He's only met DP a couple of times previously, but he's been coming with me to visit, which Dad appreciates. They've chatted a lot and for some unknown reason Dad has explained how their finances are organised. He's usually very private about money.

Anyway, I am by far the better off partner in the new relationship and our finances are entirely seperate. I might occasionally treat him to a coffee, but generally we pay everything 50/50. This feels right to me and he hasnt queried it.

It occurs to me that "we" like shared finances when women benefit, but not so much when i'ts in favour of the men....

In a long term partnership I think it makes sense. But if I was divorced with children my children would be the priority over a new partner.

The bit about shared partnership benefiting the woman when she is raising the family doesn’t make sense to me. I think you need to have a think about your internalised misogyny 🙂

I suspect that your dad has seen something in your DP that he didn’t like, hence why he talked about money directly. He’s still looking out for you.

Why do you say that? I agree it's a very odd thing for Dad to have discussed with him, especially my Dad who is usually very private about money, wouldn't dream about telling anyone what he'd paid for anything.

I was a bit put becuase it seemed like he was suggesting to DP that this is how it should be. Dad knows something of my financial situation, so it's not like he was trying to set up a situation where I'd benefit from DP's assets because mine (which would be at risk) are the greater.

Agree.

I think people really are inherently selfish and want to have the benefits of what they earn for themselves. It works only as long as a parent sees the children (and their care) as an extension of themselves really but that tends to be a time limited situation - until the kids are teens usually. Men who continue with that imbalance after that usually enjoy the imbalance as a power dynamic. Women are less likely to enjoy a power dynamic so are far more likely to keep their money to themselves.
I've never known a woman think her hard earned wealth has to be shared with a partner.

This

I think it's a very different scenario when you get together later in life having already built assets (which is what you have done), for EITHER sex. When you're starting a life together young(ish), both making sacrifices (in terms of career, finances etc) to build a life and a family together as a team then it's right to pool finances if you both have similar attitudes to money.

In fact, I'm the higher earner in our marriage AND I chose to stand still in my career in order to work part time when we had children. I'm still happy to share everything because we're a team. However if I was widowed and entered a new relationship, I absolutely would not just automatically pool finances with a new partner, nor would I expect him to do the same, because a later-life relationship starts on a very different footing.

My dh and I share our finances. I was a sahm for many years and now work
part time. When I say share I mean he shares as I don’t have a great deal to share but we are married and have children, if I was the main breadwinner I would share my money with him.
If we were to divorce I’m pretty certain he wouldn’t be sharing all his money with a girlfriend nor would I expect a boyfriend to share his money with me it’s totally different situations.

Don’t be embarrassed into sharing your assets/savings with DP.

Shared finances are the logical solution when you are building a life together and especially if you are raising children together.

if you are in a phase 2 relationship, the rules are different. Your primary financial commitment remains to your original relationship and the children from that relationship. Commingling the assets you built during that time would be a betrayal.

There is no need to join finances in a phase 2 relationship. You aren’t trying to meet the same goals. You have different priorities.

I think to some extent it may depend if you are married or in a civil partnership, or if you have children. If you don't have any of these things I think there may be less need to share finances in the same way. However, if you are in a long term relationship you do need to take your partner's finances into account, especially if you live together or travel a lot, you must be considerate about what it is reasonable for them to afford. This is regardless of gender.

Absolutely this!

"Occasionally treat him to a coffee" ... that made me chuckle. The sheer generosity of it!!

Having seen someone be financially and emotionally destroyed by their partner I think marriage is.an absolute mugs game unless you're planning to have kids. (( this couple don't))

Absolutely no way would I be merging finances with anyone. I've seen how things can go when things go wrong. And it isn't pretty, it's just sad.

Keep finances seperate, make your own way in life.....I'd even go so far as to say if you do choose to live together have a cheap by to let on the go so if things do go tit's up you have somewhere to go !

It wasn't intended to demonstrate generosity, quite the opposite. I could be generous with him, but I'm m not, as a deliberate choice.

It's true, as everyone says that a large part of that is to protect my DC's interests, but I also wonder what people would be saying about a better off male partner (with DC's interests to protect) who did little more than buy the occasional coffee.

The men don't enjoy it.

They want their lazy bastard wives to stop making excuses and contribute to the household but they've hidden behind their kids for years as an excuse and have absolutely no intention of working. And no, running a household does not take that much time and effort. Nor does the so called ' mental load ' which face it usually manifests as the odd phone call I manage to fit in on my lunch break or taking 5 minutes to fill in a form !

If my husband of 20 years died I would not be splitting his legacy with a future partner or spouse. We have children for a start but even if we didn't he has nieces and nephews, elderly parents and a disabled brother who could benefit. But in our marriage we have had fully shared finances both when I was the higher earner and had more savings, and when he was.

How much better off are you? Are you talking about earning double his salary's or something more extreme? If you are multi millionaire and he’s a teacher then yes you’re being tight not to buy him more than a coffee! But what has that got to do with your parents situation of joint finances whilst married and child rearing?

Also as an aside, if it is out of character for your dad to talk finances I’d be worried for your dad’s health. Any signs of dementia or confusion or infection? Or as someone else said, could he have had a motive/reason in suddenly disclosing deeply personal financial info to your bf?

Me and OH have never split our money, its always gone into one account no matter where the money comes from for example OH sold 2 of his motorbikes and that money went into our account as OUR money not his (even though they were his motorbikes) its they way we have always done it xx

We were visiting Dad in hospital, no he's not "well".

We broadly have the same income (I'd guess) but I have much more savings and other assets, although he doesn't know the half of it.

I don't understand your comment about it only benefiting the woman. Surely it also benefited your Dad who was able to continue with his career with no concerns about childcare while your mum looked after their children and home.She might not have been earning money but I'm sure she was working equally as hard

DH and I have been together since we were teens and are now late 40's. Our finances are totally merged except for ISA's and Premium Bond Savings which have to be separate but the are all equal and each "Our" money. We've grown up together, build it all as a unit and it makes sense for us to share it all. We have the same outlook on money and spending so it works well. There have been times when I was the higher earner but now my DH is the higher earner as I changed careers in my 30's, it may change yet again.

If anything happened to DH and I was on my own then I am not sure I would entwine our finances, it would just never be the same kind of thing where we were building from the ground up together and it would be so difficult to really know and trust a new adult partner in that way when they have a whole lifetime you really know nothing about.

A friend of mine after her divorce at 41 met a man who seemed really nice, they dated for a couple of years before he moved in with her. It was all going well and they did merge their finances, had a joint account. Both were earning roughly the same but she had more savings and her own flat which was paid off. After a year or so of this arrangement he started with a bunch of undiscussed spending from their shared accounts, kit for his rather expensive hobby, clothing, an expensive smart watch. He was looking, seeing some money build up in those accounts and thinking he could just buy himself nice things with that cash when really any discretionary spending of that amount should have been discussed and that is what they had agreed. However he turned out to be a bit of a spender and didn't like being told no or to wait a bit.

I had warned her that he looked problematic when in his 40's, earning similar to her that he couldn't pay outright for a £800 fix for his car and had to pay it up over several months because given his pay and age he should have had savings to cover that but it was back when they were all loved up and she dismissed it. Now his attitude to money is causing real issues and they are on the verge of splitting although he is refusing to move out of her flat. I do wonder if they had kept their finances separate that they might have been able to make it work?

Anyway my point is that for the most part you can't really go about a new relationship in your late 30's or 40's the same way you might if you both start out young together. It's just a totally different proposition.

Speak for yourself, OP. I am by far the higher earner and am perfectly happy to share finances with my DH.

So, your DH then, not your boyfriend?

DH & I started from scratch with a joint account. We share a similar low risk attitude to debt. With both kids at uni, we're reigning it in so they can enjoy themselves. We had our 20 something years and we have stayed in fancy hotels, a bit of restraint now is no hardship when we have already built memories together.
50 something BIL is desperately playing memory catch-up with his new girlfriend. It's hard they are trying to quickly build those camping, glamping, festival, 5 star experiences in just a few years rather than the decades DH and I have together.
Maybe new relationships are more expensive, life is shorter at this point. Do you find your self wanting to splash the cash for stuff and experiences?

Your dh also benefitted from shared finances though? You managed all his money. You had his children.

In a marriage you are one unit, you support each other and as a result you cant say who's assets are who's. E.g. a SAHM may enable a man to focus on his career. Someone may have made sacrifices in their career to support another. One person maybe have put physical effort into a house decorating, nice garden whilst the other had put more money.You share your lives and that includes finances.

2 partners later in life, without DC is completely different. You already have assets, which presumably include your husbands and you want to protect those for the sake of DC. You aren't sharing your lives.

You don't say how long you've been together, or if you live together, but if you are better off and split everything 50/50 I do think that's a bit off, if you've been together a good while

Marriage with shared children - shared finances

relationships later should be much more separate