Morning bloody nightmares. What can I do?

[Floweryfrock23]

12 year old.
Rules:
No games or phone after 9.30pm. Phone plugged in downstairs.
Bed by 10pm

Cannot get them up in the morning, moody, argumentative takes an age to come downstairs, get dressed, get shoes on, bag ready.
Stock answer to everything is “I don’t care”.

Doing ok at school, rewards way outweigh the consequences which are minor and infrequent. (Silly behaviour at the ends of a lesson kind of thing, maybe nice a week/2 weeks.)

Personal hygiene is a massive battle, argues until blue in the face when asked to have a shower and clean teeth.

A really good kid, happy, cheerful chatty and loving, never given us any worries at all until this last 12 months at high school. These are the only challenges with behaviour, otherwise ok and usual self.
I will have a conversation about the possibility of bullying or anything else going on.
Any other advice welcomed.
Thanks

Once a week/fortnight that should have read.

Isn't this just puberty

I have a 12 year old and I think this is really quite normal. We have similar battles and I consider mine quite “good” as children go.

A couple things though: too much time on phone, especially if they have it all the way from after school. Mine is never on her phone at 9:30pm unless it’s like a special occasion on the school holidays. Phone is done when she gets in the shower about 8pm. She doesn’t necessarily have it after school either. Too much phone time. It has a real impact on behaviour.

And what are they doing after school and evenings that they enjoy? Mine does a competitive sport 5-9pm 3 nights a week. It doesn’t have to be sport, not everyone is sporty. But getting out of the house and doing engaging activities is important. Find a passion. Mine is much more cheerful on the days she’s busy because she’s happy doing something she enjoys.

The rest is just hormones, I’m afraid. 😬 Plan on extra time to account for how moody they are.

My 13 year old is knackered at 9 so maybe an earlier bed time will help - 10 feels late for a school night. Also no screens in the few hours before bed could help. We have no screens after dinner so 7.30 ish except tv.

After a particularly trying morning with my ds15 I had a chat with him (later on in the day) about how I wasn’t prepared to let him have a go at me every morning, especially when I was trying to help him. He said that it felt like I was always nagging at him, and in the mornings that was too much noise and interaction. So I asked him what he wanted from me in the mornings. He said he wanted his alarm to go off, and one prompt from me to get up, that was it. In exchange he has to take responsibility for being on time and having all the things he needs for the day. I really had to bite my tongue for the first couple of days but it has worked well and mornings are less stressful.

Probably, but what to do to make it easier for all concerned?

Explain to them they seem tired/ grumpy in the morning so you’ll make sure they get more rest and knock 30 mins off bedtime/ phone every week until you see an improvement.

Maybe have a read up on sleep hygiene and try stopping the phones/games at 7, it might be too much brain stimulation right before bed. How much screen time is he getting overall? Might be worth looking at the overall picture. You'll get people come on here and say they/their kids are fine, but we are all different and our brains respond to stimuli in different ways.

Remove the phone and games until he is mature enough to behave properly. He cannot hold the family to ransom with his rude behaviour. It just creates an unpleasant atmosphere for everyone.

Thank you.
Yes, football training after school 2 nights and youth gym 2-3 times a week ( he chooses if he feels up to going, he generally does as he enjoys it)
homework, chooses and helps make dinner, so he isn’t stuck on his phone or gaming from 3.30-9.30 every night.

Sounds like a normal teenager to me 🤷‍♀️

At that age I was just left to get on with it though - my parents weren’t involved in my mornings apart from making sure I was actually out of bed.

Hello @Floweryfrock23

I have a 12 year old DD. My initial thoughts are:

My DD goes to bed at least an hour earlier than your son - no issues waking up.

School Bags have to be packed and by the door the night before - non negotiable.

Hygiene - non negotiable shower every morning and teeth morning and night. Any push back, phone disappears.

Friday nights and weekends are more relaxed.

I hope you get to the bottom of it and that it is not bullying or something like that.

10pm I think is too late for bedtime.

12yo lights Out is 9pm here on nights when no late clubs.

Bag packed night before. Shower every other evening (no puberty smells here yet though, appreciate this may need to change in time).

To me, this is all normal behaviour. One of mine went through this stage, the other didn’t. Some kids (and adults) go to bed later than others, that’s not the issue. Just stick with your boundaries on the screen use and how he treats you, but aside from that, just let it wash over you. He’s a good kid, as you said.

Personally I think 9.30pm is too late for no screens

Here it's no screens after dinner (dinner at 5.30pm)