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It’s been years, but the pain still lingers

15 replies

EHsiao · 14/10/2025 11:15

It’s been really difficult to come to terms with my divorce. My ex-husband filed for divorce two years ago, and we’d already been separated for a year before that when he suddenly decided to move to another country, and later I found out he had cheated while on holiday (in that said country) that explained the sudden change in his behaviour.
It was so hard to understand what was happening. He completely cut me off, blocked me, and stopped communicating. I couldn’t file for divorce myself because of financial reasons, and he owns the house we live in. He was horrible to me throughout, and even after he filed, he was relentless about pushing things through. He took me to court over finances although I’m actually happy with the outcome now.
He abandoned our very young child. Today he pressed for the final order, and even though I don’t love him or want him back, I still feel really sad about how he ruined our family and DD often cries about him. I keep finding myself questioning my worth and wondering why I wasn’t good enough, which really hurts. It’s been such a long time, but I still can’t seem to get over the trauma or the hit to my confidence. Even though, I’ve done really well for myself since then and I’m in a much much better place now. Meanwhile, he’s lost his job, his home, and his girlfriend, and is struggling to find work. He’s living with his mum and has lost the social status he once cared so much about.

OP posts:
PrincessofWells · 14/10/2025 11:43

Just move on - and you need to enable this in your child as well. To not do so is damaging long term.

Zempy · 14/10/2025 11:46

Have you had any counselling? I think it’s unusual to still be this upset three years later. 💐

Calliopespa · 14/10/2025 11:47

I'm sorry op. It's upsetting at many levels, and it's normal to feel hurt.

I hope you and your DC can begin to move on, because the truth is it will never look "OK" no matter how much you turn it over.

It is nothing to do with you not being "good enough". If anyone wasn't good enough, it's him.

You are not really out of the saga yet, so its normal you are still mulling on it. Moving on is good when you are ready, but actually moving on too soon is as bad as not moving on. It's normal and natural to take some time to process.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Calliopespa · 14/10/2025 11:48

Zempy · 14/10/2025 11:46

Have you had any counselling? I think it’s unusual to still be this upset three years later. 💐

He only pressed for the final order today, The thing isn't actually done and dusted yet.

cheeseismydownfall · 14/10/2025 13:09

Bless you, I'm sorry to hear that this is still very painful for you.

You say that you are struggling with self blame, and questioning if it is somehow your fault. Let me stop you right there. The fact he behaved, and continues to behave, like an utter twat tells you everything you need to know here. When an otherwise good person falls out of love with their partner, they do everything they can to minimise the impact on their DC, which in turn means treating their ex partner as considerately and humanely as possible.

What you are describing is a man who is selfish to the core and whose chickens are now coming home to roost. You did nothing wrong, you were just an innocent bystander.

Lurkingandlearning · 14/10/2025 13:28

I don’t know what “today he pressed for the final order” means but it sounds like the final part of the divorce process. If that’s correct then I can understand why you’re not completely over the divorce and moved on. During these years since your relationship ended you have probably come to terms with that for the most part but I think it’s understandable to have some feelings that won’t be resolved until some time after the divorce is settled. I hope these feelings dwindle and you feel brighter soon

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/10/2025 13:41

Zempy · 14/10/2025 11:46

Have you had any counselling? I think it’s unusual to still be this upset three years later. 💐

It’s not unusual. It took me 6 years to come
to terms with what my ex and OW inflicted on me and my children. I got cancer which I am certain was exacerbated by the stress and abuse. I am not alone in this and therapy saved me. Having your whole life pulled out from under your feet in the space of a few minutes, which is what happened me to, it’s not easy to stop being “upset” about. I hear you OP.

Brandyb · 14/10/2025 13:41

I know this is trivial by comparison but I still wonder why my boyfriend, when I was 15 (35 years ago!), suddenly went icily cold on me. He didn't break up with me, but was so unrelentingly cold that I ended up doing it for us. It returns to me quite frequently, even tho I'm now in a really happy relationship, because I don't understand why he turned like this. I really really liked him, and he did me until something changed.

I'm just wondering if there's a parallel with your situation in that there remains so much unexplained about why your ex did what he did, so your mind keeps returning to this unresolved mystery. Somehow, maybe through therapy, you need to learn how to accept that you may well never know, that actually you don't need to know, and that the only person who showed their utter lack of worth and integrity in this was him.

Calliopespa · 14/10/2025 14:07

Brandyb · 14/10/2025 13:41

I know this is trivial by comparison but I still wonder why my boyfriend, when I was 15 (35 years ago!), suddenly went icily cold on me. He didn't break up with me, but was so unrelentingly cold that I ended up doing it for us. It returns to me quite frequently, even tho I'm now in a really happy relationship, because I don't understand why he turned like this. I really really liked him, and he did me until something changed.

I'm just wondering if there's a parallel with your situation in that there remains so much unexplained about why your ex did what he did, so your mind keeps returning to this unresolved mystery. Somehow, maybe through therapy, you need to learn how to accept that you may well never know, that actually you don't need to know, and that the only person who showed their utter lack of worth and integrity in this was him.

I'd guarantee he cheated on you and felt guilty!

It's a known thing that some people intentionally create "distance" to stop themselves feeling as guilty - and in fairness he might have just felt two-faced being friendly after betraying you.

IME this is actually a more common response by people who have cheated/plan to leave then any overly-nice love-bombing type response to a guilty conscience.

Again, it is unlikely to have been you. Unless you inadvertently insulted his mother/background/manhood!

EHsiao · 15/10/2025 09:21

Zempy · 14/10/2025 11:46

Have you had any counselling? I think it’s unusual to still be this upset three years later. 💐

Thanks for your message. No, I haven’t had counselling. Things were really hectic for a while when he left, I suddenly had to juggle everything on my own: looking after DC, working, and just keeping things going. My mental health and wellbeing kind of slipped down the priority list, but I’m starting to realise I need to make more time for myself now.

OP posts:
EHsiao · 15/10/2025 09:23

Brandyb · 14/10/2025 13:41

I know this is trivial by comparison but I still wonder why my boyfriend, when I was 15 (35 years ago!), suddenly went icily cold on me. He didn't break up with me, but was so unrelentingly cold that I ended up doing it for us. It returns to me quite frequently, even tho I'm now in a really happy relationship, because I don't understand why he turned like this. I really really liked him, and he did me until something changed.

I'm just wondering if there's a parallel with your situation in that there remains so much unexplained about why your ex did what he did, so your mind keeps returning to this unresolved mystery. Somehow, maybe through therapy, you need to learn how to accept that you may well never know, that actually you don't need to know, and that the only person who showed their utter lack of worth and integrity in this was him.

Yes, that really resonates. There was no explanation at all he just packed his things and never came back, not even a word. It was such a shock, and I think that lack of closure is what still lingers the most.

OP posts:
EHsiao · 15/10/2025 09:24

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/10/2025 13:41

It’s not unusual. It took me 6 years to come
to terms with what my ex and OW inflicted on me and my children. I got cancer which I am certain was exacerbated by the stress and abuse. I am not alone in this and therapy saved me. Having your whole life pulled out from under your feet in the space of a few minutes, which is what happened me to, it’s not easy to stop being “upset” about. I hear you OP.

I’m really sorry you had to go through all of that. I hope you’re doing okay now and have been able to move forward and find some peace.

OP posts:
Colourbrain · 15/10/2025 09:40

Yes I would also agree that you need to drop any judgement you have about being upset 'still'. That sounds really painful and so difficult to explain to a child as well who will also be strongly feeling the abandonment. As hard as it might be to want to know all details of your ex's current life, I would attempt to move the spot light away from him and focus on you and your child. It does sound like you need some time to grieve for what you thought your life was going to be. Counselling would be great if you have time and money for this, and if not then do you have friends you can talk to about this who would just allow you to be upset when you need? Or writing things down in a journal? Or there are so many helplines out there if you just feel like you need to vent to a listening ear, the Samaritans comes to mind, just to reach out to people when you need to.

Calliopespa · 15/10/2025 10:56

Colourbrain · 15/10/2025 09:40

Yes I would also agree that you need to drop any judgement you have about being upset 'still'. That sounds really painful and so difficult to explain to a child as well who will also be strongly feeling the abandonment. As hard as it might be to want to know all details of your ex's current life, I would attempt to move the spot light away from him and focus on you and your child. It does sound like you need some time to grieve for what you thought your life was going to be. Counselling would be great if you have time and money for this, and if not then do you have friends you can talk to about this who would just allow you to be upset when you need? Or writing things down in a journal? Or there are so many helplines out there if you just feel like you need to vent to a listening ear, the Samaritans comes to mind, just to reach out to people when you need to.

This is a lovely post from @Colourbrain op, and I totally agree: drop any ideas about judgment over your grief and upset. It's healthy to have and acknowledge emotions and there aren't rules about deadlines for healing.

It's often a failure to process and accept the hurt that manifests far more disruptively later on.

Something hurtful has happened and you are hurting. There is no need to feel shame.

AphroditesSeashell · 15/10/2025 11:02

My exH was significantly abusive. We were separated 3+ years before I could progress with the divorce, as he wouldn't agree to it. I phoned my solicitor again for the divorce on the day the 3-year deadline (where I could proceed without agreement) hit, and urged the solicitor throughout the process to get it done and dusted. Basically, couldn't wait to be free from him.

The day the divorce papers came through the letterbox I was an emotional mess. Not because I was sad to lose him but I was sad that it felt like a failure. I had a failed marriage. I didn't want to be divorced. I wanted the happy family that I expected. I wanted my kids to have two parents at home. I didn't want to check the 'divorced' box on forms or to have wasted my 'first marriage/wedding' on a loser.

Divorce is an emotional thing but not necessarily anything to do with the person you are divorcing.

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