When you’ve been at your lowest point in life, what didn’t you need to hear from those around you, to help you hang on

[Lipglosser]

Friend is going through it badly right now, and it’s one of those situations that can realistically be fixed so it’s just shit

think along the lines of a breakup has happened and now she can not longer see her step children who she dearly loves
and the ex is a horrible person so won’t budge at all
so it’s basically a shit situation where there’s not fix

so she’s incredibly low, barely hanging on
tell saying still like time will help and better days are coming

but I’m getting to the point I’m a bit of a loss to know how to help her keep hanging on

I hear you. Why not try distraction?

I have found that constantly going over and over a no win situation only makes my head hurt. If there is no way out, stop going over it and turn her attention to something else.

She might moan, but you can go for a walk, or do something around the house, or just turn the conversation away and gently redirect her so she gets some head space.

With children, you need know but they don't grow up and come back of their own accord. Yes there may be a gap in years between mind. But if he is the dad and she has no legal right, and he is the sort to use them against her, she is trapped. Help her get through the early days by distracting her, if there is no other answer.

I work in mental health and we do this a lot. Sometimes people have deep problems that will never be resolved and we have learned that going over them causes anxiety and distress, whereas distracting them brings laughter and something to ease the mind.

I needed people to offer to go for a walk with me amongst trees or a beach,
I hate the dismissive ‘you’re strong.’

Has she sought any professional help?

By hanging on, do you mean she is actively suicidal and just managing to not attempt it? Or do you mean she is feeling very low and her ability to function is impacted but she is in no immediate danger of hurting herself?

Because if the former then you need emergency MH services: friends are not responsible for keeping their suicidal friends alive.

And if the latter... Still need MH services, but not an emergency reaponse. Medication and talking therapies are often very helpful. If the situation cannot be changed and is causing pain then treat the pain itself and get help to learn ways to manage the impact the situation has.

There's not much use giving you stock phrases to use. At my lowest any expression of hope or sympathy or cheer made me want to tear my skin off and not have further contact with the person. There literally was nothing people could say to help and almost all attempts were interpreted by my depressed and panicking brain as making things worse.

Don’t say anything. Be comfortable with silence. Let her talk and listen. Easier to get people to open up if they are in the car or walking.

I think what I would have liked to have heard was acknowledgement that what I was going through was shit, full stop, not trying to make me feel better with stock phrases. Someone who would say, "I'm here for you, whether you want to talk, scream, or do something distracting, whatever you need". Instead people tried to guess what I might need. Some tried sympathy, some tried full on ignoring the situation, I guess they were going with distraction. But my needs varied during that time. Sometimes I wanted/needed to just wallow, others I needed time out from that. Nobody ever seems to ask "what do you need from me right now?". There may have been nothing they could have done but just asking would have meant a lot to me.

Mine was "this will pass" or "things will get better eventually". When you can't see how, this means nothing.

The best person just fronted it out. She said "I know you're going through an awful time, and I know I can't make it better on my own. But I am your friend, I will help get you through this, today, tomorrow, and the day after that. You just need to tell me in very basic terms what you need".

I needed to felt heard. I needed someone to acknowledge that, yes, I had it hard and I was clearly struggling. But I also needed encouragement to look forward, to see that things would improve, to stop me circling round and round the drain of doom. And also some company.

But my lowest ebb was when I was a broke, utterly alone single mum to five and I was contemplating strapping us all into the car and driving into the river. When I cautiously voiced these feelings people would cheerily say 'oh, you won't do that!'

But I very easily could have done. I needed people to see that I really WASN;T 'just saying that'.

I actually tipped over the edge with the amount of people telling me to go for a walk when I was depressed and I ended up turning my phone off because I couldn’t bear to hear “why don’t you go for a walk?” one more time. There are only so many walks you can go on and a limit to their effectiveness, it’s not a magic bullet. It might well make her feel better but she very likely doesn’t need to be told to do it. It also comes across as dismissive to imply that serious life shit can all be fixed with a trip around the block.
Just be there for her. There are no magic words or actions that will sort this out.

I agree that if she is talking about suicide you need professional intervention OP, you can't prevent it not are you responsible for her.
If you're not talking about this, then just do what you can. Some days she might want to talk about it, some days she might be up for a distraction like going for a walk, cafe, hearing about your life. Just always bear in mind you can't fix or change the situation that she is grappling with, and she may just need time to grapple and come to terms with it. There is no fixed time line on that. What is in your control is how much you are comfortable with being in contact with her, you don't need to sit in the pit with her all the time, you have your life and wellbeing to think about.

Professional intervention has not helped
it’s always the message if you need ask for it and when you do
none is given or there
not really
just anti depressants and a long wait to see a shit counsellor who also can’t fix the actual problem either but admittedly can be an independent person to talk to, well to some extent as anything you say can kinda be used against
you

so perhaps private counselling may help

but theres a lot of people saying ask for help when in reality there isn’t much at all

Thank you all for the advice
I’m really gonna sit with what you saying and think about what to do next

thank you

And I’d just like to say, I’m glad everyone one of you is still here 💐