Feel so stuck/confused/exhausted by life

[Greyseal22]

So hard to know where to begin. Have three children, age 5, 3 and 9 months. I live in the UK and have done for 14 years but I'm not from here. I do not have family here. Moved from London to a very rural part of the UK in 2020 when my first child was 1. It has been so difficult and continues to be. I question myself constantly as to why we are still here but have felt so stuck over the last 5 years knowing what the right next move is. I want to move to my home country and give my children the experience of living there at least for a few years. My husband would rather not. We are also here as his mother lives nearby, is elderly and has had a lot of serious health issues in the last few years. She does not need care and is mostly independent but it is reassuring that we are close and can help her. However, I feel so depressed by living here. I have zero support, no friendship networks despite really trying to make some over the years. We have contemplated moving back to London where we have a lot of friends or to other cities but I've been reluctant to do this as I've been holding out for a move to my home country. Meanwhile our children are growing up and my eldest is at the age where she is very settled in school, has lots of friends she is attached to. I don't want to move around a lot for their sake. Throw on top of all this, I also changed career/retrained when we moved here and that has been so challenging as I feel like nothing from my life before kids is recognisable. Oh and yes, am just so exhausted by three young kids and the last 9 months of new baby and not sleeping much. However I feel like I could get through the hardship of this if I had something of a life for myself and friends that I could see to have a laugh with - something I do have but unfortunately just not close by. Anyway feeling so fed up that I'm still living here and really want to make a change but just so confused by everything. Confused, sad and very very tired. Don't really know what I'm hoping to get by posting this but it might help just to get it out of my head.

Its not about you anymore. Its about the kids. And if your husband doesn't want to move to your home country, do you really want to drag him there and then he resents you? And he's going to feel exactly as you do now being where you are. How would that make you feel good as his wife?

I would make the best of this situation and stop being mopey. You have a I hope healthy family, with a loving husband, 3 beautiful children who have grandma nearby in still good health, and your own health as well. That's more than what most of the world is blessed with.

I agree with this. Modern women have been taught to consider themselves first which is all good and well when you’re single but doesn’t work so well when you have a family.

Start volunteering if you haven’t already and take this time as an opportunity for reflection and relaxation. You’ll find your feet once you reframe what the actually issue is.

The volunteer suggestion is spot on!

I had to end a 3.5 year relationship back in May and I was at my lowest. I was grieving a major loss, just like a death almost. But I found a local charity that makes sandwiches for the needy in my area on Saturdays and those Saturday mornings helped me a lot in giving me some rays of sunshine on my darkest days.

Also, I know people aren't "religious" anymore, but I want to add that I really started making a relationship with God during this time and it has been an extremely blessed 5ish months for me. When I was at my lowest, I was saved. I know it sounds so cliche but its true and I cant think of a better way to say it right now😂

I'm curious how you managed to have two further children and not make friends. My friends who don't have much family but have children made their friends through NCT classes - did you do baby classes? Is your eldest in school yet? You sound a bit depressed and wonder if this is clouding your thinking.

Volunteering when the op is already exhausted?

Sorry you’re feeling stuck. Not too surprising when you’re in rural uk with 3 DC including a baby. Many mums lose a sense of themselves in that phase as we have given up a lot for the DC necessarily, unless we’re loaded and hire help and keep our careers and even then there’s the guilt etc. But because of all that, it’s not a good time to make big moves based on the negative feelings, and my experience is that I ‘got myself back’ when the kids got a bit older and you’ve not yet got to that stage as you’ve looped back to baby phase before being able to get more independence. I don’t think the answer is to move to your country so focusing on that will just make you unhappy, and moving there will make the rest of your family here unhappy and cause issues with school, DH career, income etc. Moving back to London may be more viable, not ideal for DH mum but that could be a compromise worth making if it would solve bigger issues for you. I wouldn’t do it yet though.

I’d talk to DH and see if it’s viable to do that for secondary school and then you can plan for it properly and in the meantime wait and see if you feel differently when the baby phase is over and you can do more for yourself. In the meantime, the more pressing issue is addressing your sadness so you don’t keep spiralling. Can you go back home for a visit with the DC who aren’t at school? Or do some trips to London to see friends? And if that gives you a lift, look at where you live with fresh eyes to focus on the positives and see what you can enjoy there.