Losing the love for socialising/company

[mermaid101]

I’m not sure if this is age related or maybe symptomatic of other aspects of my life.
I’m not really sure exactly what I’m going to describe but hoping that someone out there can help me understand this or identify with this.

Im in my late 40s, married with two children and have a fairly senior role is a sales related industry.

When I was in my 20s and 30s I had a very sociable life: weekends and holidays away with big groups, nights out, part of lots of social circles and also had several close one to one friendships. I was also very close to my colleagues in both a work and social sense.

I find the in the last few years I have really lost the desire for socialising. I feel like I am quite “skilled” at it, probably mainly due to my job which requires corporate hospitality, making connections with people and always being quite high energy, engaging and generally “good company”.

i am at the point that I find it hard to even what’s app my friends. I can’t explain this really as I know it only takes a minute to do but it feels so much and like a big task. I have just turned down the opportunity to go away for a weekend for a close friends birthday because I feel like I wouldn’t enjoy the company and strangely feel as if I could t cope or manage with such a prolonged period with other people. I have also turned down other smaller invites because I just don’t want to socialize.

I sometimes feel a bit resentful in social situations as I feel like I have to do a lot of “heavy lifting” in term of keeping conversations going, making sure everyone is included and generally being being the question asker, if that makes sense.

As a child, I had quite a difficult upbringing and felt safety in being one of a crowd and part of other people’s families, so I don’t know if this is related.

Im not really sure what I’m asking or saying- sorry. I just really wanted to “say” it out loud and see if anyone out there had similar thoughts they wouldn’t mind sharing.

I could have written this myself. I keep wondering why I’d rather just have a weekend to myself without having to see anyone… I have a good career,DH and 2 DDs but keep putting off meet ups etc. I don’t seem to get the same pleasure in socialising that I used to. Maybe it’s an age thing???

I’m the same. I keep finding myself in situations thinking “hmmm… was this worth the effort”. I think it’s partly peri menopause, partly that we’re at the life stage where a lot of meet ups are no longer frivolous & fun but involve hearing about a friend/their partner’s/their parents’/ their child’s major life issues (redundancy, physical or mental health issues etc) and there is so much other entertainment available on my phone or on the TV which requires no input from me. After all, in the time I’ve written this, I could have messaged a couple of friends.
On the flip side, the friends whose company I really enjoy I value so much more than I used to.

There is nothing wrong with wanting peace and quiet and doing your own thing on your down time, especially if you have a job that requires you to be enthusiastic all the time, you’d face burnout if you didn’t relax. Enjoy it OP

Yes im the same. Age 46. Ironically I felt like my world was too small earlier this year so I have taken up some different activities such as going to the gym but I think my way I want to socialise has changed. I like meeting my friends for coffees, walks & catching up but the thought of going out for drinks/dancing fills me with dread. I never thought I would become this person.
I always make sure I have some downtime at the weekend. I rarely go out in the evenings.

I feel like this - much of the time (mid 50s.) Just happy to be with DH, or on my own, OR with one of my 2 adult DC. I like to see one of my 2 friends every 5-6 weeks. I hate visitors. CBA to entertain. I hate not knowing when they're going to fuck off. 😆 DH and I have very little extended family - both sets of parents and grandparents dead some years ago, one sibling each who live 100s of miles away and we only see once or twice a year. A small handful of aunts between us who live 80-100 miles away who we see a couple of times a year too.

I'm an anti social twat really. 😆Never used to be ... Up to about late 40s, I was a social butterfly, used to go out at night/in the evening and have people around 2-4 times a month, and have parties for the kids, and meet up with other mums, and had 7 or 8 friends. Now I CBA! I kind of hate it in some ways, but also, meh.... so what?!!!

!

I’m 56 and love to see my friends on a one to one basis.
I do find I really enjoy a holiday once a year completely on my own.

Same. Even as late as my 50th birthday last year I had a massive party and was the last to bed- now the prospect of a weekend with no social engagements in it is something I look forward to.

I mean, it's perimenopause plus autistic overwhelm. I'm just going with it right now, but I kind of hope my social spark will return in the future...

Thanks so much for all these responses. I’m very reassured to know that I’m not alone and that most of us seem to share a similar story; previous very sociable but now just now feeling it.
like @hby9628 I do really worry that I isolate myself in my later life. I have virtually no extended family I am in touch with, and this is the same with my DH. I have witness how important friends can be later on in life and my social group used to be the most important thing in my life.

I wonder if maybe I have spread myself too thin in the past and now I don’t have a “core” group although I do have some quite long standing one to one friends.

it’s the what’s app/messaging thing as well. I now save up messages and “catch up” almost the way I would schedule in work admin. I just feel…. I don’t know… run out of steam or something. But I worry that I’m losing a huge part of who I am. And that I will really regret my lack of input and effort in the future

I really hear you about the entertaining, although I am quite good at it. It can feel a bit like a work event for me. But I do love that feeling of being part of a group and having connections to others. it just feels like so much. Even making chat over a coffee feels like a mountain sometimes 😔

@mermaid101maybe you just need to take the pressure off for a bit. I hardly saw any friends during 2024….we had other stuff going on too but then towards spring of this year I felt ready to rengage a little. I was honest with people. I think we all go through this. Don’t worry too much. The fact you are aware of it is a massive thing in itself.

Same. I think as I get older I’ve come to not give a fuck as much and guard what makes me happy.
But also, like you OP, I am a good conversationalist and good listener. And I do find I do a lot of carrying the convo. I enjoy conversations and socialising where I come away feeling enriched and recharged but so, so many leave me feeling drained. Like folk just want to offload onto me without ever asking about my life. I CBA with that anymore. I’m just not interested in the minutiae of someone’s life so would rather be on my own with a good book.

I try and limit WhatsApp and save any news for actually when I meet people. I am also not in any groups.

I hear you @mermaid101… I make excuses for not contacting my friends or coming up with plans; and then feel the guilt and worry that I’m letting them down and isolating myself. I’m mid-life but have felt like this over the years. I fret about this a lot. Like you, I have the skills and carry conversations. I never feel quite comfortable going in to seeing people and often feel I’m not liked or don’t like them enough. There always seems to be an element of judgment of them or of myself and so I avoid going into it. Thanks; good to get that off my chest!

I loathe holidays with big groups of friends. They’re an absolute nightmare. Only ever done this for ski trips which is okay because you break off into smaller groups and there’s an activity keeping everyone occupied most of the time.

I also relate to the ‘heavy lifting’ in social situations - so many people are atrocious at socialising and conversation. But I also I had habit of spending time with people I didn’t have much in common with or particularly like/care about. So conversations were awkward at best. I ‘click’ with so few people.

I think you need to do what feels right for you, and if that’s pulling back from socialising and underwhelming friendships, then so be it.

I love my own company. The less I’ve socialised and attended events, the happier I’ve become. Walks, cafes, the cinema - all better done solo, personally. Embrace it 🙂

Yep I'm the same. I used to love going out but just can't be bothered anymore and don't like that feeling of being drunk when I'm out. It's not helped by the fact that I can't tolerate alcohol the same these days. Only need one drink to feel tipsy. Also when we do go out my mates want to all out and I can't be doing with the screaming and shouting, loud music and trawling round from bar to bar. I still love a drink but would rather do it home where I can chill and crawl in to bed when I've had enough.

Please tell your friends how you are feeling, I’ve been on the receiving end of this and it’s tough. I nearly went mad wondering what I’d done/said.

I thought 'this is me' when I read every single post on this brilliant thread.

Like others I used to be sociable, but now my perfect day/week/month is one where there is absolutely nothing in my diary.

Is there a link between the 'doing the heavy lifting' conversation wise and the getting tired of it? I've come home from meeting with friends socially and felt like I conducted an interview to keep conversation going and nobody asked me a single question about me. It leaves me exhausting and wishing I'd just gone for a quiet swim or pottered in the garden instead.

Totally agree with the point about socialising used to be fun but now it's a coffee and hearing someone moan about their grumpy husband, the pressure they're under to look after their grandchildren or going on and on about their cruise.

OPs 'I had a difficult childhood and liked being with other people' point made me think too. I'm sorry you had a difficult childhood, I really am. Perhaps other people were your answer but now you have reached a stage where you don't need that any more. You have found the peace and safety in enjoying your own company.

I'm in my sixties now and get more like this all the time. I used to worry about losing a part of me - now I think perhaps it's the real me coming out now that I truly have no more fucks to give about what society expects of me
.

I used to worry that I might be alone as I get older. I've come to realise that I like being alone now and will probably like it as much (or more so) when I'm older.

I think the alcohol thing - or lack of alcohol - is a factor too. I am probably more fun and tolerant when I have had a couple of drinks, as, no doubt, were my friends. Now some don’t drink at all and many of us limit ourselves to one glass of wine so the atmosphere is very different. I’m not sure I could actually dance without at least three drinks in me!

Thank again- so much- to everyone who had responded. I’ve read all the replies several times over and they have all really helped me.

I hadn’t considered the impact of a change in alcohol habits, but this is probably a large part of my situation. Like many of the posters who have been kind enough to respond, I hardly drink at all now, although a lot of my social life in my younger years was alcohol fulled.

@SeaAndStars i so appreciate your very kind response. 🤗 I really feel a lot of this is down to feeling like being in company is demanding of me to employ my “work abilities “ of listening, subtly guiding or directing conversations, remembering details about people, laughing at jokes and anecdotes which I don’t alway find amusing and almost never, ever being asked a question or being listened to in anyway. I often feel like I am the “entertainment” or a safe bet in terms of other people having an enjoyable time (although this could be a very misplaced and arrogant perception I am holding).

I would be really interested to know if anyone felt like I had described and we have all talked about and has “come out the other side” later on in life. I do worry that I could end up isolated and regretful in later life. However, as quite a number of us are sharing, I really love just being alone and find company very draining now. And that feels so alien to me.

I personally dislike large groups and having to shout to be heard coz one or two will dominate the convo.
i prefer smaller groups where everyone gets a chance to speak and listen. Probably more of a personality thing.
I also don’t have much tolerance for alcohol these days - I enjoy a couple of drinks but not a third. So if out I prefer being sober so I can drive home to my own bed. I enjoy a glass of wine in front of tv knowing I can head off to bed when I’ve had enough.
Over the years I’ve noticed that I’ve always liked a quiet, peaceful me place to go to. Dislike staying over at folk’s homes, similarly dislike folk staying though I’d never show it.
I enjoy a rich convo then going to my quiet place after rather than dragging it out and diluting the experience.
I’ve also noticed that friendships have changed and I don’t find them quite so enriching. When I’ve been in their company it’s like they have too many distractions and are not fully present in mine and I can’t be arsed with that either. A couple of examples recently was a friend who dominated the convo by about 80%, when I managed to get a word in she was distracted by something else and didn’t even hear what I had to say.
Another friend got a dog. I like dogs fine but the dog now goes everywhere and she gets distracted by it when I’m mid convo, she’ll talk to it like it’s human, buy it treats for being good. Its presence is just there all the fecking time and I never feel connected in the way we used to be. We can’t even go for a cuppa or a night out coz she won’t leave the dog. I do still make time for her but it’s far less frequent these days. Last time I drove quite a distance, only to have her bail on me after about an hour coz she was tired and needed to get home, and the dog was there too.

lol, I feel this way aged 35 with no kids!!!

sometines you just enjoy your own company more

Yes I like my own company. I found I cba the past few years people super flaky now too. Easier do stuff alone. I do have friends but everyone so busy now

I feel the same at 54. Finding it just easier to do things on my own,which sometimes saddens me but then part of me is very excited.
A day out in London twice a year on my own is a huge achievment, getting train,learning tubes and exploring places. A trip to the garden centre is often on my own yet I know friends would probably love to come along. It's all very strange,this new me,but more peaceful .
I still see friends but they all seem to becoming like me,apart from one who messages all the time wanting to go out to see bands ,Christmas markets. and comedy nights. That isn't me anymore.

Glad you are rightly gaining comfort from the responses.
Yours is a verybnormal response to a busy life.
Corporate entertaining is the worst, the hardest, as it inevitably doesn't involve pay.
My husband does it so rarely despite being very senior and very highly paid.
He says they don't pay me enough to do it and sends someone else.
I love a catch up with friends but I can go 6 weeks not seeing my bestie.
We are friends 50 years.
We are both like peas in a pod about being ambivalent about going out.
You really need to look after yourself when work is so busy.

To illustrate my feelings, my idea of a great weekend is if the car hasn't been moved. Heaven.