Dc doesn't want to go to dad's, again.

[Bemyclementine]

Aged 8. Older siblings goes every week. But dc2 is not going more and more often.

No court order in place.

Should I encourage/make dc go?

Can't give a reason as to why, just wants to stay at home/with me.

If I say I've got X planned, then sometimes that will mean they'll go.

Its one weekend day a week atm. And has been for years.

Yes you should encourage it.

It’s easy for kids to get lazy and not want to leave the home they stay in for the majority of the time but it’s important that you help their relationship continue.

it’s one day a week, you’re not packing them off for a month.

I’d not force her to go. You’ll find out a reason at some point.
I’d remind her that she can change her mind in the future if she wants.

Does dad have a shiny new family?

It is usually wanting to stay at home, if I have to go out that will influence the decision to go. But this week ive said a couple of things I need to do and still dc wants to stay with me. Which is unusual.

Its quite sad that an 8yr old doesn't want to see their dad/GPS once a week .

My parents divorced when I was very young, abd I hated being ask who I wanted to see/when. Its not fair on the child.

No. Lives with parents.

It’s simply because it’s not “home”

With you in your house is home and if given the option most kids would rather stay in their home with all of their comforts but you need to think about the bigger picture here and remember it’s important for them to maintain a relationship with their dad.

Once they’re teens and they have more freedom and independence they really won’t want to spend precious weekends at their dads so now is the time for you to be cruel to be kind and tell them it’s non negotiable going to see dad.

I do encourage going to their dad's. But its most weeks now, and honestly, I dont want to force it and have them be resentful towards me.

What's their Dad doing to try and help encourage them to go? This needs to be a joint endeavour between you both.

I think if you don’t want to force it, you need to get to the root of why she doesn’t want to go - and try and resolve it.

Kids should be able to enjoy their weekends too - it may be that she feels she’s missing out by having to spend 50% of her weekend time devoted to dad (and presumably grandparents?) with no downtime to do what she wants (spoken as a child who grew up like this also…!).

I’m with you OP. Don’t force your child to do something that they’re repeatedly saying they don’t like.
What’s the history with dad? What’s his behaviour like?

I wouldn't force her to go but I would probably talk to your ex about what he thinks the problem could be. What do they do on their one day at week together? Does he make an effort to spend time doing things together and engaging with her?

What does dc say when you ask why do you not want to go?

“because I don’t” or “I just want to stay here with you aren't suitable replies.

probe into ie Has anything been said you didn’t like? Has anyone done anything you didn’t like? Has anyone told you not to tell me something or it’s a secret so you think you can tell me? If there is no good reason then you have to go.

@LemonLeaves there's never going to be a joint endeavor sadly. He never seems to "mind" and I dont get a barrage of messages about it. Which honestly, is surprising.

@MidnightPatrol this is something ive often thought about. We never get a "proper" weekend really. I've suggested EOW but that's been turned down.

@Myfridgeiscool dad's behaviour towards me was horrendous. Obviously he disputes this. But the underhand controlling type. Wouldn't say "no you can't do that" but would give silent treatment for weeks if I did it. I do know he speaks to his parents dreadfully too. So. It may be that. But I KNOW that its not "enough" to withhold contact.

Dropped phone oops, as I was saying once you get a reply you can decide and I wouldn’t force if dc really really don’t want to go but their dad might have some idea of why not eg no Xbox or whatever is really behind this, and if it’s something like that I’d not be accepting that as an excuse.

Absolutely this.

I'm not saying it's bound to be the case, but at 8. I had a reason for not wanting to go to a certain relative's house. I knew that it would cause carnage within the family if I spoke up, so kept quiet out of fear and tried everything I could not to go.

You need to take a step back and create a safe space in which to talk freely snd openly - and don't make them go in tge meantime.

Occasionally (before it was most weeks) it would be "i dont feel well/i feel sick" That was said again this time. I have said they dont have to say they feel sick. And obviously they're not sick every week. Whether its a nervous sort of feeling sick I hadn't actually thought about until now.

They get unlimited screen time at dad's. So staying at home should be a less attractive prospect. Particularly as this dc would use screens all day if allowed.

From what you have said about your ex’s behaviour when he was with you, I definitely wouldn’t force your DD to go.
I would take all pressure off and say to your DD that she absolutely doesn’t have to go but if she ever changes her mind then that’s fine too.

Thank you. Yes I really dont want to force the issue. Im finding it quite unsettling how the dad just doesn't mention it.

Your child may be hearing things that makes them very uncomfortable (about you maybe).

dad's behaviour towards me was horrendous. Obviously he disputes this. But the underhand controlling type. Wouldn't say "no you can't do that" but would give silent treatment for weeks if I did it. I do know he speaks to his parents dreadfully too.

So he treated you really badly during your relationship. He treats his parents really badly... it's not exactly a stretch to think he's abusive to DD as well. He could be using her as a substitute punchbag now he can't get to you anymore. No wonder she feels sick poor girl.

With your update about how he treated you and is treating his parents I wouldn’t be making her go. If he was kind caring etc and she was just feeling a bit “homesick” when there I’d have suggested working with him to find a solution. Not with the way he is though including the fact he doesn’t seemed bothered that she isn’t going.

Are your older children much older and/or males? Maybe your DD is getting the brunt of the dads moods or maybe she’s more aware of how he speaks to her grandparents and it’s upsetting for her.

(I’m not suggesting your older DC wouldn’t care their dad was nasty to their grandparents but if they are allowed unlimited gaming maybe they just go and put headphones on and game so aren’t quite as aware of it all whereas at 8 your DD probably still around her GPs playing or less gaming at least so could be exposed to more)

Older dc is 10 and actually the more obviously sensitive of the 2, but with that come being more of a people pleaser. Dc1 would not want to upset anyone by not going.

I wish I knew hiw to talk to dc2 to understand the reasons. Or if indeed, it is "just" the general behaviour in the house. (GPs are nice)