6 year old waking at night. At my wits end. Please help me

[Bigpinksweater]

My 6 year old is waking 2-4 times a night and I am absolutely broken.

A bit of history - she started sleeping through at 1, but then went through a very long and hideous nursery illness phase and was ill practically every other week for 2 years, so obviously I got no sleep then. Just as she shook this off, I got pregnant with DS, so another year of no sleep entailed. During this year DP moved into DD’s room so I could breastfeed DS, as not sleeping is hazardous in his job.

Just as DS started sleeping through at 18 months, DP moved back into our bedroom and DD started waking up again after a good couple of years of sleeping solidly for 10 or even 12 hours a night. At first it was just one wake in the early hours, she would jump in with us and drop off so it wasn’t too much of an issue.

Slowly but surely over the months this has increased, last night was the worst yet. She woke up 1 hour after falling asleep, then every 2/3 hours until DS woke at 5am then we were all up for the day.

I am on my knees with exhaustion after 6 years of broken sleep. I have a high level chronic health problem requiring multiple meds and this has been exacerbated by the exhaustion to the extent I’m signed off work and terrified of losing my job.

Letting her sleep in our bed isn’t an option. She wants to chat, sleep talks, rolls around, and continues to wake up. We’ve tried sleeping on her floor on an airbed (1 of us) but she climbs in with us and wakes us up that way.

She has no SEN, very little screens, a very healthy low sugar diet, gets lots of fresh air every day and has had no significant life events which could have triggered this off. She has a solid bedtime routine with bath, milk, stories. She doesn’t complain of pain, snore, or have nightmares.

Tonight I absolutely lost my shit and snapped at her that tonight she can keep her light on, play with toys etc, but must not leave her bedroom and must settle herself and that if she wakes we will be taking her straight back to bed. I can hear her crying up there as DP settles DS, I feel awful but I feel like all the ‘gentle’ approaches we have taken have actually made it worse.

Has anyone else been through this and what worked, if anything? Sorry for the long post but trying to pre-empt questions.

If there’s absolutely nothing wrong then it probably is just time to get strict.

I feel awful listening to her cry but she’s not getting the sleep she needs, she has bags under her eyes and looks so washed out. I’m a horrible shouty snappy mum every day as I’m absolutely exhausted and just so drained by the whole thing. The only threads I can find about non sleeping kids are about babies and toddlers, nobody seems to have this problem when they’re past 4 max

@Bigpinksweater What time did you put her to bed?

She’s trying her luck and you’re right to tell her off. I would be very cross and very firm. You’re not doing anyone any favours letting this nonsense continue.

We had this problem at a similar age, although our son does have SEN. We couldn't get him to sleep at night without one of us there, so we sat on his bed until he drifted off. He would then wake throughout the night and would need us to sit on his bed until he went back to sleep. We had support from a sleep nurse who said the problem was, because he was used to us being there when he fell asleep, be then couldn't settle when he woke up and needed us there. We had to change our bedtime routine and get quite strict i.e. Read one book and then sit on the floor by the door/ then outside the door etc. gradually moving further away until he learned to sleep without us in the room. It did work and quickly! I know your daughter doesn't have SEN but if you Google Cerebral sleep guide you may find it helpful. Good luck, no sleep is absolutely miserable!

7pm. She’s been up since 5 because toddler DS woke up then and when he wakes she gets up immediately. She almost fell asleep in the car earlier. We’ve done 5 hours outside at a farm today so she’s very tired.

Yes, you're right to be firm.
You'll crack this in two nights if you don't give in to her.

I told my dd that she couldn’t have sleep overs with her friends until she could spend the whole night in her own bed. It worked almost instantly, although she would still come in for an early morning cuddle at around 6am.

Christ 6 years old. Why does she need you when she wakes up? I've heard my 6 year old get up and go for a pee in the middle of the night then take herself back to bed. You really need to put your foot down. She is old enough to understand it is not okay and effecting everybody else, as well as impacting on her health and her education.

What time does her sibling get put to bed?

So their sleep patterns are:

DS (2) - in bed at 7, usually asleep by 7.30, wakes between 5 and 6. He usually has a half hour nap although this has tailed off lately and he hasn’t really napped this week. Once asleep he sleeps through and very rarely wakes up. He’s very high energy though and seems fine on 10 hours.

DD (6) - she goes into her room at 7 but we let her read and keep her light on usually until 7.30, sometimes 8. She always wakes up at the same time as DS as she’s now a very light sleeper and jumps up the minute she hears him.

I know. In every other way she’s fine - she’s not a nervy or anxious kid, she’s very outgoing, confident and social. I feel like the year with DP room sharing ingrained an expectation that one of us will be there, and now she wakes up to check. I’m kicking myself about this - she was such a great sleeper before I just assumed she would be fine again after he moved out.

White noise in her room to try to disguise the sounds? I don't think you are unreasonable to be firm about this.

We've had to shake up bed arrangements with my 8 and 10 year olds in order for everyone to sleep well.
DH sleeps in with one child, who used to be an excellent sleeper but now wakes quite a lot at night. I sleep in with the other, to ensure they go to sleep at a reasonable time. They will then sleep through the night. It's not ideal but just what's needed at the moment.
I also have a severe chronic illness, so sympathise with the need for sleep. Sometimes you just have to do what's needed to get you through! I'm all for strict bed rules but sometimes they just don't do the trick!

Sleep deprived kids and parents is very hard. I would reassure her and go and tell her everything is alright. Explain that you are all very tired. That it will be ok. Reassure calmly and quickly in the usual ways she feels settled with teddy, cuddles , then try again with no tears if possible. Allow her to feel reassured about the change in sleep routine. Although if she still is worried and takes time to get settled I think it’s understandable she’s upset, she’s tired, insecure that she has upset you and about the change in sleep routine.

@Mumofoneandone I totally appreciate that works for you but the thought of bed sharing for another 4+ years fills me with horror - after a full day of parenting I just want to lie and read and put the light out when I choose. Not sharing a bed with DP is not helping our relationship either. I know it sounds awful but I just feel so claustrophobic over the level of control they have over not only my days, but also my nights - there is no area that is ‘mine’ to just rest and be a person. I feel quite suffocated and irritable.

DS7 was the same, stick with being strict she’ll get there.
With DS I got a Gro clock, if the sun was up he could get in bed with me if not he was taken back to bed every time & I stuck to it. A mini dehumidifier running in his room also gave off enough noise he wasn’t disturbed by noise outside the room.

I totally understand this, we've only being doing for a few weeks and do not intend to do indefinitely..... please don't panic that doing something now will result in doing it for years......
My DH was very resistant for a long time but the lack of sleep was unsustainable.

It doesn't sound awful. You're quite right to want your own space.
I never let my children share my bed (unless they were ill in the middle of the night).

Stay firm with your DD.

Does she have a tonie box, or similar? If she could put a story on if she wakes up in the night, would that help settle her back off?

All kids are different, what works for one doesn't work for another. I wait until mine are asleep at 9 but then they sleep through. If they go to sleep alone they wake up more. If overtired they wake up way earlier ironically. Try moving bed time forward incase she is overtired and use white noise so she doesn't hear little one wake.

We haven't had this specific problem but this therapist is really great for childhood anxiety.

In my desperation I’ve just ordered a gro clock, night light and I will put the Alexa in her room tomorrow and see if quiet radio or some kind of podcast helps.

The worst part is how awful I am with the kids during the day. I have no patience, I rarely smile, sometimes they talk to me but I barely register it as my brain feels like it has some kind of sleep deprivation induced low level dementia. I really have to crack this before their childhood memories are of me staring into space or frowning.

You're doing now what you should have done ages ago.

The only thing you've done wrong is waiting until it got to breaking point instead of addressing it earlier when you could be firm, but also calm and kind. But hindsight is always 20/20. Onwards and upwards.

When our DS had this problem in Yr1 it was school related. It might be worth finding out if she's happy at school