I sat and cried at work

[ifeellikeimnotworthit]

I work in mental health, I’m a speech therapist.

At home I’m coping with; mum has early onset dementia and is in a care home at 60, dad and I have a bit of a challenging relationship and very rarely see each other, sister is autistic with challenging behaviours and lives in supported flat, needs a lot of help. Wider family are a mix of very helpful and very unhelpful - sadly the very, very unhelpful has been more prevalent lately. A lot of this comes back to my weight - and how family perceive that, but that needs another thread.

I’m also trying to buy my house just now, not by choice, I was served an eviction notice then offered to buy it. I’m also overspending and in debt.

To cap it all I’m autistic, have dyspraxia and CPTSD. And endometriosis, and I was/am really sore just now. Due on next week.

I’ve had a long week - my clinical lead came to review me, I had to deal with a horrendously difficult situation twice (clinically), a lot of de-escalating, I felt like I was on show the whole time my lead was there too, running around before she arrived in case she spotted a mistake... I got an email challenging me from someone else (or it reads that way), I had reports to write, basically I’m exhausted. Yesterday my supervisor (ie person who does my ‘therapy’/supervision) came on site to do stuff and said ‘you’re a bit brain foggy’ and I just smiled because I thought if I explained, I’d get upset.

She left, and I tried to get on with things I needed to before the end of Friday. The office was too hot, the printer is in our office and it kept breaking down and beeping and needing stuff doing. I had shedloads to print but couldn’t work out how to do it correctly. I needed stuff countersigned but not sure if I’d get that before Monday.

I then lost a list I needed, my shoulders were sore, pelvis was sore, headache, colleagues kept talking; I felt a bit imposter/paranoid, I couldn’t find the list. Then i dropped a file and paper everywhere. Paper felt too sensory (noise/feel). The situation I’d dealt with was playing on my mind too.

I walked out of my office (calmly) and said to a support worker ‘if anyone needs me I’m out the back.’

I had a panic attack, sat and cried. Lovely support worker said he was watching from upstairs to make sure I was OK, decided he couldn’t leave me and came out with another member of staff (good friend), they then fetched another friend (psychologist) and we sat, had a chat etc. Lots of hugs.

Calmed down, able to complete 90% of my jobs but forgot a couple of things.

I’m exhausted beyond belief. I fell asleep by 8pm last night.

I feel so stupid for crying, and useless. I can tell when I’m being more autistic at work and it panics me, in case they think I’m not worth being there. In case they think I’m not professional enough. If I’m feeling safe and happy, I forget to mask and then I think I’m too chatty, too giggly, too relaxed. Which is embarrassing. I could tell I wasn’t masking on Thursday and my friends in a meeting were smiling. If I’m not I mask and ‘perform’ and then I’m bloody exhausted.

Honestly I am shattered. Friend yesterday said I’m brilliant at my job and to give myself a break, a few hours at home with phone on silent.

I don’t know why I’m posting here, I haven’t in ages and ages. Just needed a silent rant.

That sounds like a rubbish day, and dealing with things when you’re in pain is a million times more difficult. It hopefully sounds like nothing unmendable has happened? Lots of people have tough days and express their emotion at work even in less challenging workplaces. Can you write a list of what might restore you/ make you feel better this weekend and do that as much as you can if you’re not working? Sending positive wishes!!

I'm sorry youre having such a bad time. That's an epic list of difficult things to deal with, no wonder you caved. Your colleagues/friends took good care of you.

Definitely agree with turning the phone off and having a quiet day. Have some time outside if you can. I sat in the garden to eat my breakfast yesterday (wrapped in a throw), surprisingly nice.

Wow, that’s a lot to juggle. I’m not surprised it got too much for a while, I’d have broken down too.

it sounds as though your colleagues like and respect you. Can you make a plan this morning to raise your exhaustion with your supervisor on Monday and see if you can agree a plan. Maybe book some time off to regroup? Then, once you’ve decided on your plan of action for Monday stop thinking about work. Presuming you work Mon-fri, make a conscious decision to switch off from work for the rest of the weekend.

At home, tell people what help you need. If there’s nothing anyone can help with, tell them and let them know you’ve got things covered and will let them know if you need anything specific. In the meantime, you’ve got some work projects you’re concentrating on so would appreciate them giving you some space.

do you have to buy the house? Would you feel happier finding an alternative rent?

are you sleeping and eating well? It’s time to concentrate on you. You matter. Your health and well-being matters.

i’m not autistic, so some of my comments may be impractical for you. In which case I apologise for not understanding. But I really hope you can find some time and peace for yourself. You need it and deserve it.

This is such an awful lot to juggle and I really felt for you throughout reading this. From one autistic to another, forget about masking, forget about crying and focus all of your energy on avoiding burnout.

Ask for help. Tell your manager you're overwhelmed and on the edge. Work out a budget (there's a brilliant thread in cost of living about being frugal, I'd join that) and delete cards off your Apple Pay etc/whichever way you overspend.

If you just need to talk about it keep sharing in this thread. You're not alone. I wish you all the best.

Big hugs 💐