Building a full life again after throwing it all away?

[SleepyBones]

Due to mental health problems, social awkwardness and shyness, being too busy, poor relocation choices, loss of communication skills, withdrawal, and general unlikeability, my adulthood has been a slow slide into complete loneliness. I started out with a full and vibrant social circle and ended up with nothing. It has been years. There are no people I can reach out to any more. Not even on social media. I’m just a working and cleaning machine. I have my husband and children for which I’m so grateful, but they are the only ones. There are no women in my life. Everything feels empty and pointless. I yearn for a community. My workplace isn’t sociable. I’ve tried groups, classes, volunteering, meetup apps, but it never goes anywhere.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that this is just the way things are at this time of my life. I’ve exhausted all the possibilities where we live and just have to focus on my children and hope something will change in the future when we can someday move away. The bit that scares me though is the thought that this could be it forever. It has been so long now that I can’t imagine going back to having friendships and a community and a little tribe of my own. It feels like that’s something for other people now, not me. I don’t even know what I would talk to people about, I’ve forgotten how to chat. And I think there would come a point, once my children are settled into adulthood, when I would have to question the point in going on.

Honestly, has anybody ever been like this and managed to claw it back? Is there any hope?

Yes, OP. I was in a similar position. I unexpectedly had a psychotic episode & found myself full of social awkwardness, anxiety, remorse. Worse than you, I was divorced & in a shit relationship.

It was terrifying. Somehow I managed to sort myself out. CBT helped me, and I came off some goddamn awful medication which gave me terrible side effects.

By chance, I met an old employer who gave me my PT job back, and getting out & seeing old colleagues again helped me hugely. I slowly got back into paying my bills, finding a sense of purpose in life.

I know where you are. One thing leads to another and before you know it, there is complete loneliness & helplessness. Try to do 1 small outgoing thing a day - can you go to a talk? Maybe even a series of talks, and find a “safe” person there? A charity walk? Something like Mind, Rethink? Is there anyone on your school run who might join you for a coffee? Even if they didn’t work for you in the past, now is now, try again.

As you say, this is just the way things are at this time of life. It WILL pass. It won’t be forever, because you can recognise it as causing displeasure.

What did you do before to find “a tribe”?

My life just turned itself around! My few hours work developed into many more & I became a success at work, slowly taking on more & more as I felt able. I got involved in a school ke, ran a stall for a few hours. That helped me reset the parameters as a mum. I also took on a sporting hobby with a little push from a friend, then got gutsier to seek out family I’d lost contact with. The main Thing was to make myself feel supported again. I slowly went for meals out with friends, one by one. I hated that but it forced me to go out & use social skills.

There was this book about social connectedness by Johann Hariri, I found that so helpful but it was heavy! I also read Matt Haig. If felt despairing. I won’t say suicidal, but desperate.

My life is by no means perfect now. I still hold the battle wounds of that scary episode.i don’t understand how it happened! I’m normally so grounded. But I know I can trust myself, my abilities, my judgment.

You CAN do it! 💐🌷🌺

*in a school sale

I’m so heartened to read this @NightSkyFullMoon and happy that you recovered from what sounds like an awful experience and turned your life around. You make some good suggestions, and I’ve downloaded that book onto my kindle, thank you. Previously my ‘tribes’ in adulthood have come through having babies, a long time ago now, and sadly we made the decision to move far away, which I will regret for the rest of my life. The only people I came close to befriending after moving (almost a decade ago now) have only been interested in superficial alcohol-based socialising, and I no longer drink.

I was feeling very sad and sorry for myself in the early hours of the morning and just needed to hear a story like yours to let me know it is possible and this doesn’t have to be the end. I am really grateful to you for sharing and will pick myself up and carry on in the hope that better days lie ahead. And in the meantime I will try your suggestion of one small thing a day, thank you.

Johann Hari is a complete fraud. Take a look at his Wikipedia page.

Also remember that you don’t need a whole tribe of people, or a “squad”. Some of us introverts don’t need many friends to be happy. I’ve probably got ten, spread around the world and only four of those are within an hour’s drive, but they stop me feeling lonely and alone (no partner or kids or family here). Just a couple of social connections could make you feel better. Remember too that adult friendships are different to the ones you may have had as a kid - not as intense, or frequent, but still add value to your life. Finally, remember that you need to add value to someone else’s life, so give as much as you can.

He is, and I hated finding that out, but that book helped me when I was at an all-time low.

Have faith ~ I'm certain you'll connect with one or two when the time is right. I've always 'compartmentalised' hopeless at saying no; so withdrew from most social situations when my children were growing as felt I didn't have capacity for them and added friends on top.
Always enough fellow mums around that I'd connect with to some extent most days during their school years.
Lost touch with most once children moved on from school and my home, barre one or two mainstays who I continue to be in touch with.
Never enjoyed big group outings or events so never have sought a tribe but catching up and meeting others continues through yoga, exercise classes ~ so many activities involving social surroundings, clubs . . for me just to connect with others couple of times a week to keep the right side of sane is fine.
Hopefully your relationship with your husband's also good which prevents a lonely life.
You say you've forgotten how to 'chat' yet your post is fully engaging, relatable and considered ~ very much get impression you're fully on the ball.
Mental health glitches can be sobering, sometimes scary, but as long as not denied or avoided, I firmly believe we become stronger/probably more interesting as a result.
Hoping you find a couple of like minded for company at some point, confident you will; don't bust a gut reaching for a tribe ~ 1 genuine friend is worth 10 tribes of non-authentic social butterfly types