I think I just ended my marriage

[anynameisfine]

I really need advice.
My husband is a good man who has had a lot of difficulties. Partially for medical reasons he is finding it very hard to find a job in his line of work. He is very well educated and very academic.
He took a minimum wage job in a shop which he absolutely hated and we made a plan that he would only take on 20 hours to allow time for job hunting.
The shop has cut back on staff hugely and he was on a zero hours contract however they always had him work a Friday.
I earn enough to cover us and whilst he has been working less he has been doing everything around the house and all shopping, cooking etc.
I found out last week that the shop haven’t had him working for 3 months. He has been lying about it and spending the day taking the car off on a drive, eating junk food etc.
The lying is awful but I genuinely think he has been so down and embarrassed that is the reason. He is on antidepressants and sees a counsellor.
The difficulty is he has previously lied about similar issues.
Many years ago he was made redundant and a similar thing happened only at the time he used alcohol/cigarettes and lied about it. We worked through it, he went to counselling etc and I have truthfully never worried or had suspicions about him drinking etc again.
Today he took the car to do various chores and was longer than expected. I asked him where he had been and he had a totally valid and appropriate answer. I told him I was struggling with trust and asked to see his phone which he gave me.
I looked at his banking (which he logged into for me) and asked about various bits which he was honest about but got more and more frustrated. I then looked at his sat nav and when I asked him about where he had been he initially didn’t mind but then got so angry and asked for his phone back.
I asked for full transparency and said this was the line for me and if he couldn’t show me and be honest we couldn’t move forward.
He tried to pick a fight about me being unreasonable and I refused to engage and he left to go to another room. I followed and told him he had a choice but it’s either honesty or we separate and he said fine and closed the door.
I have no idea what to do. I am devastated.

I think if you have reached the point that you are scrutinising his phone, bank account and sat nav it’s time to end the relationship.

It amazes me how so many comments on mumsnet jump straight to ending a relationship. I don't mean yours OP. Aren't there supposed to be challenging periods? Let him calm down and then discuss more calmly.

This.
Also stop acting nuts checking his phone, his banking, his satnav…what next a lie detector test? Truth serum?

Calm down, come together and talk it through.

I think if you've already worked through chronic dishonesty once and nothing has changed, then nothing is likely to change by doing the same thing a second time.

People differ but lying like this is a hard boundary for me and my other half knows it. I assume yours does too, OP?

I had something similar towards the end of my marriage. My daughter found him hiding under a blanket down the side of the bed, after he had already set off for work, and apparently hadn't been turning up to work for some time.

The lying is terrible, but he is obviously struggling. Its entirely up to you if want to get down in the hole with him and try to find a way out together. I'd hope after he calmed down he'd be ready to be honest with you and proactive about wanting to fix things, but if its only you whose trying what's the point?

For me, I lost all respect for him, as he clearly didn't give a fuck about the family and was leaving everything up to me to sort.

It's all very well to say marriages have challenges, work through it, but your husband isn't playing ball on this. He has been lying to you for THREE MONTHS. If he wants to preserve his relationship he should have his hands up, be trying to explain, be acknowledging that this is going to change. At the very least. If he's so intelligent, he should be putting all his emotional ammo into proving he's trustworthy going forward.
Maybe he's pissed off at your intrusion, but after some time to collect yourselves and his senses, if he isn't contrite and constructive I'd not have a lot of hope he'll ever change - which is what needs to happen. You can't have this level of deception under your feet.

Ok firstly - you didn’t just end your marriage. It reads as though your H got fed up of the grilling and went off to have space and you gave him an ultimatum so he said fine to make it stop.

You said that phone, banking and his answers all seemed fine and nothing unsavoury (and by that I’m assuming you’re thinking of cheating or gambling etc), so why push to see the sat nav etc? You already know he’s not been going to work - how literal do you need him to be for you to feel like he’s being completely truthful? ‘On the 5th of October I drove to KFC, followed by a 2h drive on the M1, I listened to my favourite album 3 times and then drove back to sit in the local park and watched Netflix’. Does it really not occur to you that he is embarrassed?

I understand you’re hurt that he’s not told you the truth. I also see how you probably feel let down by the fact that you’re the only provider and everything is on your shoulders. But he probably sees that too, and likely feels like a failure.

He clearly needs help, but you can’t do that - he needs to help himself.

Maybe he is scared to be honest with you because you are scary. Could you imagine a man making you open your banking app and them searching through it and then wanting to check your satnav to see where you've been? To be frank, you sound unhinged and controlling. If my DH did that to me I think our marriage would be over.

He can’t provide for himself let alone you and you are left working to cover everything whilst he plays charades at deceiving you and pretending to go to work.

He has done it before and it’s unlikely he will change as rather than overcome his problems and get help he would rather let you pay his way for him whilst he is bone idle.

Funny how a few decades ago people just got on with it in time of hardship and loss, now they can just slack off from their responsibilities.

Unless you want to carry him for the rest of your life, what’s the point of staying with a man who brings absolutely nothing to the table?

He has been depressed for some time. Quite severely depressed it seems, and he's having counselling. Being let go from a zero-hours shop job is just adding insult to injury isn't it? That is pretty humiliating and soul-destroying, and maybe he couldn't bring himself to tell you.

I think he's on the edge, and you need to cut him some slack.

To add to this - you need to be pretty low in the gutter to be phased out of a retail job as an academic.

Sounds like a really difficult situation, for both of you. Maybe he feels shame about the job and it doesn’t sound like it was the right solution anyway really. Does he need to work? I like the way you said he stepped up to doing stuff around the house? Did everything, is there a way you could talk honestly about really needing him to be open with you and as long as it’s viable he could do more cooking housework etc with you earning until he is in a better place?

-I know this is to do with kids not adults, but I heard a quote this week which I used with my 9 year old and it had such a good effect… “If you’re in trouble, you’re never in trouble with me, we can work though things, you just need to talk to me.” I mean obviously there are more caveats with a partner than a child, but maybe he needs reassuring that you aren’t angry at the situation, but with his lying… Could he move into some kind of tutoring? Sorry for random message but it sounds to me like there’s a lot of good in your relationship and if you’re devastated it’s definitely worth fighting for. Really good luck 💕❤️❤️

He may be a lovely person who has lost his way but he isn’t treating you with respect, you’ve been really supportive forgiven past lies and he’s been dishonest again. I don’t see the partnership in that, or the love. You can kindly call it a day having tried your best