Am I letting down my son?

[IAintAfraidOfNoGoat]

Just been listening to a podcast about the importance of meeting your child’s needs whenever they need you or it affects their brain function, and I’m worried that I’m hurting my son.

For background I have 2 dc. Dc1 21 and ds 15. We are all autistic. Dc1 lives in London and needs lots of emotional support - regular texts, FaceTimes etc, and longer conversations when I’ve finished work. I’m self employed so am able to juggle this. Dc2 is at school, I pick him up every afternoon and we chat, usually do something like a walk after school so he can offload.

Once DH comes home I’m frazzled and tend to switch off for 2-3 hours. I will support and chat to dc in that time, but I find it more difficult to keep up with everyday stuff when I don’t have a chance to be quiet for a bit, and can request that I’m left alone for a bit. DH will cook tea and be practical, but is crap at emotional support so ds may have a couple of hours each evening where I struggle to be emotionally available. He doesn’t socialise outside of school much.

At bed time we then have 10-20 minutes to chat and set him up for the following day.

I’m worried that my need to switch off might have a detrimental effect on him. When he was younger I was much more emotionally available, but the last few years have been tricky and draining.

You are absolutely doing the right thing prioritising your wellbeing too. You can't pour from an empty cup. You are giving your DS lots of opportunity to talk and at ideal times (after school for offloading and before bed for the things that pop into your head then). You don't have to be permanently available, hardly any parent is. I think it's probably healthier to have clear structure so your DC knows when you are available and when you aren't, than trying to talk to you when you are too overstimulated.

Look up the concept of the "good enough mother" by Winnicot. Perfectionism can be harmful and cruel - an always available parent sets up the child to expect similar in their future relationships, which is not a reasonable expectation. It also provides no opportunity for them to struggle with their own feelings and develop emotional independence and resilience. You're doing fine!