Scared I’m having a breakdown

[LuceeeeeLoobieeel]

I’ve done a stressful job for years (litigation). I finally have a plan to get out at Xmas. I am nearly 42 with DH and two DCs 9&11

Something happened 1.5 weeks ago at work, not a mistake but something I was worried might get me in trouble. I started panicking and it has spiralled. My job involves disputes and very difficult damaged people. I’ve felt constantly under attack for the last few months on this one particular case so it’s no surprise this sent me over the edge. My job can involve media too.

I’ve had anxiety panic episodes before (almost always work related) but after a couple of days of hell I usually come right. I’ve done counselling and EDMR before. This time I’ve not come right. I’ve got a dry mouth, right chest, tears, sweaty, just fear constantly. I can’t think straight. I walked the dog with no collar etc.

I went to GP yday and she gave me lorazepam and sertaline. I’ve taken two days off starting today. She said more But I’m a contractor and we’re in process of getting a new house/mortgage so I have to keep going. But I - can’t. I’ve never ever taken MH time off before

I'm scared. Scared of the horrendous things happening to me that my mind conjures up. I can’t see myself coming out this. I guess I’m looking for experiences of the same that can give me some hope.

You will. Some things just take time. You may need longer than a week - that's ok! Have you considered therapy? Your work sounds hugely stressful, it sounds as if your body feels like it's constantly under threat and is stuck.

Drugs won't solve the root issue - if it were me, I'd try to find a therapist to talk to as well, they may be able to help you.

Just a thought (and going off the job you do, you are a much cleverer person than me so have probably thought about this anyway!) but is there any chance you have income protection insurance? You could have recently taken it with your mortgage even if you glossed over the details.
If you have or can make it work financially take as much time off as possible. Properly off, no 'checking' work emails or 'just' passing information on to a colleague, nothing work related at all.
Take the meds in the knowledge that you will feel a tiny bit better every day.

Yes, you will. At the moment your body and mind are over firing so it’s hard to see a future when you don’t feel like this.

The medication will take the edge off and give you some extra capacity - use that to really do things to look after yourself (ie don’t just go back to your normal work rate). When you return to work give yourself some space, shut everything down at 5 and don’t look at it over the weekend, pull back on stuff that isn’t necessary. Your body and mind are telling you need to slow right down, and you’re leaving soon anyway, so give yourself time and space and rest.

While you’re off work, use the time to rest properly.

Trigger warning

I was where you are a month ago, and my exact words to a colleague were "If I don't quit this job, I'm going to quit everything" and I don't do a job that would be considered half as stressful as yours.
I didn't quit, I'm off sick and recovering, I'm on anti depressants and I did actually post here about how I felt. I'm waiting for some talking therapy and have already had a couple of sessions with an employment advisor from the same place that will be giving therapy.

I don't feel normal, but I don't feel like you do, or like I did a month ago either, I feel better than that and like the swirling pit that was my brain has calmed down, I'm not fine, nor am I in crisis. You need enough time for the medication to start to work and so that your mind calms down and you can start to see the wood for the trees and work a way out of it. The biggest thing is I'm not longer beating myself up about this, I'm not making the situation 10 times worse by being horrible to myself when I already feel vulnerable and low.

I know all the financial implications are terrifying, I'm facing them too, probably in a different way but also worrying it will affect not just my future, but other people's. But taking the time away has been the first step in sorting this out, I can't recommend it highly enough.

Wishing you well.

Hoe are you feeling @LuceeeeeLoobieeel ? Hopefully better than this morning xx

Burn out - I have had it. It’s the last straw that breaks you. Yes - you’ll be okay but you may not ever want to return to so much stress .

Also look up perimenopause symptoms. Anxiety increases enormously and you’re not too young to be peri. It’s worth bearing in mind. Many doctors hand out meds without considering peri symptoms but what you’re describing is all too common.

If you take the rest and find the right medication you will. Sertraline for me was life changing - I realised I've always suffered and didn't need to feel like that.

I’m still the same, wake up anxious but it’s an existing pain not suddenly triggered by thoughts which is what would normally happen during a stressful time. I just want to hide away and numb everything. I’m taking lorazepam in the afternoon to get through the evening but it’s hard not letting my children know what I’m going through. Just got to hold on what else can I do

Thank you

I hope you recover well x

I just needed to post. I’ll have moments of being ok but then a thought will pop back in and I’ll spiral. I’m in hell. I’m just holding on for these meds to work

Hi OP, I can read how difficult things are right now. It's ok to take a break and give yourself time. It's ok to tell your children you are unwell but taking some time to recover, they will appreciate the heads up and being included.
If it helps, you are not the only one to spend time in bell, many of us have been there, and it does end. It's just that we don't have control over how long it takes to go through it. It sounds like you have been managing a lot and now it is time to look after yourself. If things get too dark and desperate, you must reach out for urgent support, it is out there. Ring 111/Samaritans or Mind have really good advice on their website.
Look after yourself and when the waves feel really big just try and take a breath and look around the room that you are in.

Still here, still care about you.. keep reminding yourself that although your brain is catastrophising, you know thiese are anxiety symptoms that will pass. When I’m shaky, I write it ALL down, then ask myself what’s true, and what’s coming from fear..

Thank you so much. I don’t know if placebo but I feel a tiny bit better. I’ve been able to drink a tea and eat a biscuit ❤️

Get yourself some HRT. Are you having: heart palpitations, anxiety (about putting the bin out on the right day?!) rage/tears, ruminating over things far more than usual, too hot, feeling weak? They were all my signs. Quit my job (3 months notice) but started taking HRT. Felt waaay better (after 3 months of coping with the hormones). Could probably have stayed in job in retrospect but glad to be in a new one now.

How long until the new mortgage is sorted? It sounds like you need to hang on until that is finalized but is it an option to quit as soon as that is sorted? It's only 1.5 months until Christmas, so can you quit just that bit sooner? If not, then get signed off sick.

Don't risk losing your long term health due to work stress!

What a lovely reply. I can also advocate for Sertraline and (in my case) I took diazepam for short bursts of emotional intensity. Give yourself at least two weeks for the Sertraline to kick in. It’s a bloody hard two weeks and the insomnia is likely to get worse, but sick with it as I think it’s a very effective anti-anxiety medication - and I’ve tried many. Good luck OP.

Repeat ‘every day in every way, I get better and better’

Force yourself to look in the mirror and tell yourself that everything will work out in your favour and repeat the affirmation.

You have the ability to rewire your brain (neuroplasticity)

Your medication will start to work soon - hang in there. Force yourself to take a break - this is NOT weakness, it’s strength! Knowing when to put yourself first - as only then can you truly take care of everyone else.

The Lorazepam should help, though you probably haven't been given a very high dose. The sertrline will take a while to kick in.

Sorry you are feeling like this.

Do you have a follow up appointment?

Just a hand hold to say I know how you are feeling. I was like this back in January. Had to have two weeks off work. Every few weeks something happens and I start looking for other jobs as I feel like it's all going to come crashing down around me. Just wish I could get rid of the anxiety!