How to be more assertive with tradesmen

[throway]

I'm not someone who generally struggles with assertiveness. Whether it's in a work context, my personal relationships, or otherwise, I'm usually more than able to speak up and stand up for myself.

However, when it comes to tradesmen, for some reason I just keep letting them take the piss. This has happened in the past, but I've become aware of it again now that I'm renovating. Last week, I had a few guys in the flat over a few days. They'd arrive up to four hours late (the closest they came to being "on time" was 90 minutes late), kept adding new issues - and, of course, new costs - to the list of things that needed doing, and did several things wrong but refused to fix them as apparently this was the only way it could be done. So while I initially felt like I'd gotten a good deal, I ended up feeling ripped off and as though the job hadn't even been done properly.

I understand that renovation work will often end up being more expensive than the initial quote, and that upselling is always to be expected. But I still feel ripped off and like a complete idiot.

Every time the guy in charge started talking, I knew what he was doing and what was coming, but I simply couldn't put my foot down, especially as they of course know more than I do about the work in question. I did always politely inquire whether it was really necessary, repeatedly stated that I thought we'd agreed on the scope of works at the beginning, and said multiple times I'd have to check with my husband, but it didn't get me very far.

These was a firm that came highly recommended, and the initial quote seemed reasonable (but not unrealistically low) compared to the others I'd gotten, so I maybe I wasn't on guard enough until it was too late?

At one point DH wanted to call them himself, but I was worried about having a bad atmosphere with several men working in my flat while I was there alone. To be clear, none of them did or said anything intimidating as such, but I suppose I was keen for things to be as friendly as possible.

I'd also already committed a chunk of money to the project, and didn't want them to just not show up the next day if I said no to the further costs and/or caused a bad atmosphere. This actually happened to me during a plumbing project a few years ago despite there being a signed contract (long story but they got it badly wrong and then tried to charge me more - a lot more - to put it right, ended up going with another firm to fix it as they just fucked off).

So... those of you who are good at dealing with tradesmen, what's your secret!?

I'm in the middle of the second part of a big house renovation, with two different sets of builders. (DH travels a lot for work, and I mostly WFH, so in effect, I've been the liaison/project manager of both, while we're living in the house.)

With the first set of builders, I think inexperience made me be too friendly at first, too ready to assume we were all on the same side. They made me a garden bench engraved with our names on their lunchbreak and were initially good at communicating. When things went sour, they went very sour, there was a big stand off and some threats from the main builder, and we ended up calling the police on him.

This time, different builder, bigger firm. I'm much more formal and less accommodating. I ask for costs in writing. I phone the foreman a lot more often. I ask for clarification without apology. And I absolutely never 'check with my husband'. I'm the client here.

@FishwivesSalute thank you, this is helpful. That sounds very scary, I hope you were okay.

I think I've definitely fallen into the inexperienced and too friendly trap here, especially as they came through a personal recommendation of a friend who continues to work with them, so I didn't potentially want to sour things for my friend as well.

While I totally agree with the sentiment of not checking with a husband, this felt like the only option at times - if nothing else, to give myself a bit of time and space to think instead of giving an immediate answer. This is my pre-marriage flat where a relative is living at the moment (I live with DH), so the idea of "asking him" is even more ridiculous - really, I'm just discussing it with him like I would any other decision or cost - but maybe this just made me seem even weaker in their eyes, I don't know.

In fact, a few of the "ask my husband" decisions I didn't even bother speaking to him about, I just made the decision on my own after having had a chance to think about it...

Just another thought - I think I also had a hard time being assertive with them because they're older than me (at least the foreman is), and because I'm foreign and they're local. I know neither of these things should matter because I'm the client, but it does set up a certain power dynamic that feels harder to navigate.

Then I would say 'I'm going to think about that. I'll let you know by the end of the day/tomorrow/whatever.' Don't defer to someone else, as it removes your authority.

Our 'bad' builders also came via a personal recommendation. I think you need to decide what's more important (the builders doing a good job, costs not running skyward, professional behaviour from them) or the potentially hurt feelings of your friend if you say you're not impressed with her builders. Ultimately, I think your friend is irrelevant here. If she recommended someone who turned out to be a poor timekeeper, unreliable etc, that's on her to be embarrassed about.

How much more work is to be done? or is it finished?

Thanks for the good wishes. It was appallingly stressful.

You're right - this is going to be my new go-to.

FIL always says that the worst horror stories he's heard with builders are the ones that came through personal recommendations - I never gave it too much thought, but I 100% get it now.

We have one "big" job left for them to do, which will be in conjunction with another firm (it requires a specialty trade in addition to general builders). They are the ones who put me in touch with this firm so I'm a bit worried - however, after last week's experience, I did ask for costs in writing, a signed contract, and a copy of the foreman's ID this time round. I also asked him to confirm in writing that there are no hidden or additional costs that could arise, which he did - it should be a more straightforward job than what they were doing before anyway, so hopefully there will be neither a genuine nor fabricated need to put up the price again...

Best of luck with the rest of your project!