Supporting anxious child with own anxiety?

[Monkeysonthebed15]

DS7 seems to be struggling with what I think is anxiety. He is a well balanced, funny, happy child with no issues in the daytime 99% of the time now (this wasn't the case aged 5-6 which was rough and I did question SEN) but his anxiety mainly manifests at night.

This week has been really bad. He wakes constantly saying he is scared or feeling sick but can't articulate what he's scared of. He'll either wake every couple of hours or wake once and stay awake 2 hours before going back to sleep.

It is massively triggering my own anxiety. I lie with him acting relaxed but my heart is racing and I'm struggling to breathe. Lack of sleep is a big anxiety trigger for me and I'm feeling really rough. I feel like i've had high adrenaline running through my body constantly. I go to bed dreading the night, I'm hypervigilant and have not been getting any deep sleep as I'm just listening out all night worrying that he's waking up.

He's now asleep after being up since 2am and I'm in bed incapable of calming down my nervous system and wanting to burst into tears. I can't sleep at all.

I go away for work tomorrow and need to be rested and it's making me spiral. Everytime I hear him stir my whole body tenses up.

Please help :(. Any advice to get through tonight, as well as long term advice would be welcome.

Bump

I feel for you and your son.
Call in sick.
Spend the day with your son.
As much as you think you're masking your own anxiety, it will be seeping through.
Do you have a partner?

Thank you. Unfortunately no opportunity to call in sick, I was travelling half way across the world for work today which probably wasn't helping anyone's anxiety. Travelling is also a massive trigger for me.

DS woke up as happy as anything, as always, like nothing happened in the night.

I agree my anxiety must be seeping through, part of what kept me awake most of the night was thinking that he's like this because of me and is going to struggle all his life and it's all my fault 😥

Surely you going away was a trigger for him? I’m not guilting you by the way, needs must, but that will be a big factor?

I do have a partner but I always wake before him. And even when he does get up to help, I'm still awake stressing out about DS not sleeping.

Honestly not sure how I'll make it through this week. I can't sleep in hotels and my adrenaline/exhaustion is already sky high. So overwhelmed!

So during the 6 week summer holiday he slept through in his room every night. I couldn't believe it, thought I'd won the lottery!

From the first day back at school he started waking again. He mostly would settle with a quick cuddle and only wake briefly once or twice. Nights have been particularly terrible since I told him I would be away so yes most likely also a trigger.

This is also contributing to my anxiety as unfortunately travel is inevitable in my job so I'm having a career existential crisis.

Can you get some high strength CBD oil for yourself, it helps take the edge off. Anxiety wakes me through the night so you have my sympathies and the thought of what I need to do the next day has my heart racing too

My advice is to focus on your own anxiety. Your son will be picking up on it. Try not to talk negatively to yourself about it but focus on some strategies. When your nervous system is calm, it will be easier to calm his. If you can find time and money for it, go and see a therapist.
In the meantime, try to learn a grounding technique, a breathing technique and if possible, make space for a regular mindfulness or mediation or yoga practice. Don’t just do it at bedtime, it will have a huge effect if you do it earlier in the day.
one grounding technique - feet flat on the floor, straighten your spine including your neck, feel the floor beneath you, and your back holding you. Notice the chair / wall / floor supporting you, and do a few deep breaths.
Breathing idea - Breath in deeply through your nose, and out through your mouth as slowly as you can. Do this 2/3 times, then allow your breath to find a natural rhythm. Breath in and out 10 times, counting the out breaths, each time trying to make it as long as possible. You should feel calmer, but if not go back to 1 and count to 10 again.
good luck OP. You’ve got this.

Poor you op, I went through similar with my ds when he was younger. I’ve always had anxiety but when he developed anxiety it really triggered mine and I struggled to support him as I was also so anxious and trying hard not to let it show.

My dh took over quite a bit of the emotional support for ds (I still supported but poor dh had both of us he had to rationalise with). I also had some therapy for myself but to be honest even now (even though he’s so much better) it easily triggers me. It’s different now though because he knows when he is struggling I understand it better than anyone and we can come up with strategies together.

I had to go on a trip at the height of my ds’s issue: (would have been a similar age) and I very nearly didn’t get on the plane but I did and he was ok without me. I agree it’s likely the anticipation stressing him (and you) out.

It’s very tough but try and focus on some
self care for you, things will get easier

Also it’s ok for him to pick up on your anxiety, I think it’s really hard to mask it. I would
say I have always tried to model to ds that even when I’ve been anxious I still carry on and do
things and not hide away. I think it’s important (if you can) to model that anxiety is not the end of the world and you can still carry on, function etc.

Thank you so much, I am so grateful for the supportive messages and advice.

I have arrived at my destination and it seems to have taken the edge off a bit thankfully. A random woman started ranting at me at the airport (I think she was just unhinged and others were giving me sympathy looks) and I ended up crying. But maybe she's done me a favour as the weight on my chest isn't as heavy now. Fingers crossed I can sleep tonight as it will make a world of difference.

I definitely need to do something about my anxiety, I've referred myself for therapy multiple times but to no avail (I answer questionnaires and then am not considered bad enough for therapy). I have tried privately and didn't gel with the therapist and it didn't really help. There has to be something out there that can help me.

@500mileslong how old is your DS now? It is good to hear he is coping well now as I tend to really catastrophise and worry about DS. But you are right, hopefully eventually I'll be the one most able to understand and help him.

Good points also about showing him you can carry on with anxiety. I have never been so close to giving up, as this morning quitting my job seemed a lot easier than going through with this trip, but I am glad I did.

He’s a teen now and doing amazing! I was the same re catastrophising and also laying awake at night but he does things now that I wouldn’t have imagined if you asked me a few years ago.

Anxiety is so common in children and teens now sadly.

Hope you can at least physically rest a bit now, everything feels so much worse when you’re sleep deprived too.

@Monkeysonthebed15if you didn’t gel with the therapist, that is likely why it didn’t help. It’s usually a good idea to try more than one therapist and find the one who is a best fit for you. It’s a really personal thing.