Not interested in sex anymore and DH is 10 years younger

[onchesilbeach]

Since peri / early 40’s and birth of DD I’ve totally gone off sex. I’ve gone on HRT including testosterone for the past two years but apart from a tiny glimmer on one day a month I am totally not interested in sex.

Add to the mix the usual stresses of life, raising young children, parents, work, finances and so on and come 9pm I’m exhausted and looking forward to sleep.

My husband is still keen as mustard and would do it twice a day if he could. To compound matters he’s 10 years younger than me and so probably at his sexual peak

I’ve tried supplements and have taken steps to improve my sleep quality and my energy generally but still feel the same. I am really worried about the mismatch and I love him and want us to both be happy and have good sex. I’ve read Mind the Gap which is interesting but we are so busy with life and work hours etc that its difficult to find the time to sit down together let alone work on this.

Can anyone relate and has anyone managed to switch on their mojo again around mid-40’s?

How old are your children?

5

I don't even have kids but my libido is the same. I used to be rampant in my 20-30s but it's absolutely dropped off a cliff.

So I'm very interested to know how / if people have resurrected theirs.

DH is the same age as me and not pressuring me at all but I feel awful.

Thank you @JurassicPark4Eva

Same here - got no interest at all plus it is too painful since meopause

I know what you mean @onchesilbeach, I’m not rampant anymore either, DH is slightly older than me and I thought he might be slowing down, but no!

I do find that regular exercise and generally looking after myself helps. Plus not setting myself ridiculous expectations- a quick cuddle after a long day is fine, you don’t need to swing from the chandeliers. 😂 My DH is quite happy with a quickie and then we go to sleep!

I think with him 10 years younger you could have predicted this would happen. Is he ok with the limited times you want sex?

Every time I see and Instagram post
of older woman /younger man both beautiful and sexy I always think….i could not keep up with a man 10 years my junior

Your children are pretty young. It could improve.

I do read written porn - lots of issues with porn based on images but feel that word-based stuff at least can be less exploitative. Would you try doing that? I can imagine you just don’t want to, but if you genuinely do want to change this it might be worth a try. Also I always use lube and lots of it. It’s amazing what a difference it makes when you know it’s going to feel good.

It can get better, think of peaks and troughs rather than gone forever. Have a go at trying Gina vaginal Oestrogen it's a tiny little pill you insert up there, prescribed by boots and other online pharmacies. Creatine also really helped my libido. And time and lower stress is the best libido boost. It's hard with young dc.

I also read erotica! I've found that does really help get my libido back (a bit). We still only have sex twice a month probably but I do think it's important to keep making the effort because I love DH.

I think the thing with sex is the more you do it the more you want it and the reverse is true. My libido hit a wall and I've had to make a real effort to get past it. It's been worth it though.

I found my sex drive increased when I started lifting weights. I didn’t do any other exercise but Caroline Girvans definitely did something for me in that department and I’m definitely in peri. Unfortunately DH’s sex drive has dropped off a bit (but he’s trying which I appreciate).

DH and I have date night once a week and we always without fail have sex - we have a few drinks, no TV, he cooks, we chat and connect. I have been open with him about my shift in libido and for a while I needed to use a vibrator to 'get there' but because it's important to me to keep this side alive I persevered and I'm glad I did. Combination of going on testosterone and moving out of a particularly stressful time means my sex drive is a bit more organic now but for me, that weekly planned sex is so important. I know planning it sounds unsexy but it's not - we are both excited by the time Friday night rolls around! You can do this with DD in bed, it doesn't need to be a big thing, but it's a commitment to the physical and emotional connection that we need to keep closeness going.

@onchesilbeach im only 36, and was shocked by how much having a baby, going back to work and the juggle etc affected my sex drive. I have friends who seem to be at it all the time with more kids so I think everyone is just different. Do you feel this is more situational than anything - you both have a lot on and are exhausted rather than a problem with an actual lack of desire - not wanting to have sexual contact even if all the conditions were right ?

Is there any chance you can get a babysitter for a regular date night where you’re not talking about all the house admin?

I have also found switching things up and having sex in the middle of the day when your energy is higher can be exciting as well as more feasible than attempting it night time when you’re just ready to get your head down.

Most importantly talk to your partner about this. There are ways to have intimacy and sexual pleasure without penetrative sex. 🤍

Well no to be fair it’s not really something people think about when they get together is it??! I was far younger then and we were at it a lot, which is pretty typical in relationships I think. What exactly is your suggestion?!

Completely agree @BananaramaDefence.

I really would think you simply are not getting enough time to yourself to be honest. If you don’t feel
good about yourself, you won’t be doing putting yourself out there. I am late 40’s and I don’t think I would have the energy for a 5 year old. Throw into mix a younger husband and it’s a curious position, it looks like you are caring for your parents too so it’s not an option for a sleep over at the grandparents. I have a partner who is 5 years younger, it’s ok for me as I have a young adult dc and one teen. So I get plenty of time for myself. Do you have any options to allow more time for yourself as a starter? Like getting a cleaner, some kind of paid for care for parents, getting your husband to do more. You sound like a woman that’s undertake seige tbh, you have a busy life and heavy mental load. The causes of your low libido need to be cured before the symptom of it is addressed.