If you’ve lost a son/daughter… (TW: death)

[CaptainWhacky]

I am currently helping a woman who tragically lost her adult son (let’s call him Jacob) a few months ago. The woman has four adult children and a small two bedroom house. All of Jacob’s things have been returned to her as he wasn’t married/ didn’t have kids etc. As a result, Jacob’s possessions are scattered throughout the house, especially in the spare room. The mum doesn’t know what to do with all Jacob’s stuff. She definitely doesn’t have space for it but thinks it’s too soon to “throw it away”.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

It may be too soon to make any big decisions about what to keep/donate etc. If she’s wishes to delay the decision could she rent storage somewhere? This would allow her to place things there and give her time to sort things out gradually?

I'm very sorry for your friends situation..
Losing one's child is devastating.

The only thing I could suggest is that she hires a storage space for his things so she can keep them until such time as she is ready to deal with them . There are a variety of different sized storage spaces available for hire.

I haven’t seen all of it, but from what I have seen, 80% of it is clothes/shoes? Putting it into storage just seems pointless as it will surely go stale. Personally, I think she needs to get rid of it, but I’m not sure how to say it gently?

Is it any of your business? Unless you live in the house and the stuff is affecting you in some way, I’d suggest you back off. She can make her own decisions in her own time and some day a decision will just feel right to her. Putting things in storage might put off her processing her feelings, which is not necessarily a bad thing when you’ve had such an overwhelming thing happen to you so it might be well worth the money on an emotional level. People generally sort things out bit by bit in their own time.

She needs time. She will get rid of stuff in her own time, when she's ready. Been through it with my mum when my sister died.

We're almost 5 years on and Mum has very little left but it took time.

She needs to wait until she is ready. If she gets rid of it too soon it could destroy her. Everyone grieves very differently. Just support her. There must be a place she can keep it for the moment.

If she's not ready to part with it, that's up to her. Clothes and shoes are so personal and harder to deal with than books, household items etc.

When she feels the time is right, donating them to a homeless shelter or somewhere similar might feel like the right thing. Perhaps a charity shop related to a cause she feels Jacob would have supported.

For now, if possible, a kind friend with storage space in a loft or garage might look after Jacob's things until his mum is ready to let them go.

Please don't try to rush her into anything. It wouldn't be helpful.

In what capacity are you there to help her? Her life, never mind her house, has been thrown into turmoil and you don't seem overly sympathetic with the situation. My apologies I have assumed that incorrectly.

It is very early days. She may feel she needs those things around her just to get through each day. There may be things that, in time, she wants to give to his siblings. Just give her love and support and let her make decisions in her own time.

Please don't use the words "get rid of it". You are talking about her son's life possessions.

Please don’t push her to get rid of it. My mum lost my dad suddenly (suicide) and my aunt thought it was a good idea to go in my mum and dad’s wardrobe and remove all of my dad’s clothes. She was told but at the time she wasn’t all there (said kindly) and to this date 15 years later she still mentions it. She said she would have liked to keep a couple of his t shirts and other bits. Please let her grieve in her time and that includes deciding when to get rid of it. One of the things that people feel when they are grieving is the lack of control of what happened - it’s advisable to let them as many decisions as they can/want. If she’s not ready it shouldn’t be up to you.

Pointless?

@CaptainWhacky

I too have a friend who has lost her son slightly younger.

with respect, if you’re advocating her binning his stuff now, you’re no friend. Back away and let someone with a smidge of empathy help.

what’s WRONG with you? Can’t you at the very least put yourself in her shoes? This is literally every mother’s worst nightmare and something nobody should ever have to experience

Give a card with a cross and condolences on it and move on. There is no point in you believing you hold any right of influence over this woman's home or life

You really, really should not say that. What you think is pointless does not matter here. She lost her boy. These possessions are what's left of him for her.

This poor woman has explicitly told you what she needs. She has said it's too soon. She knows her own grief. Why are you trying to tell her it needs to be done differently? You're not in her shoes. Almost anyone who has experienced major grief (myself included) has had people like you in their life telling them the "right" way to grieve. For god's sake listen to her.

It doesn’t matter what you may or may not think. Who are you to think you know best? Let her grieve at her pace. You’re not a friend she needs right now. sorry.

For my sons belongings I:
have some keepsake things in the loft. this includes a few clothes but not many.
I have a memorial tree.
I have some photos around the house and in an album. Not loads as I don’t want to overshadow my 2 living children.
I gave most of his clothes and belongings to a baby charity. He was 13 weeks old when he died of Sid’s.

For her I would maybe recommend something like getting a teddy bear made of his favourite T shirt or something like that. I didn’t do this but know someone else that did and I thought it was nice.

My friends brother died and their dad wore his clothes for years afterwards.

I would maybe recommend:
asking the siblings if there are any bits they want.
bagging up any bits that don’t have special meaning eg generic jumpers you don’t even associate with him mentioning to charity.

That's her son's stuff that you're saying "get rid of" so blithely! The items that he chose, bought and wore. The clothes that he wore then laundered, folded and put away with his living hands. Now he won't handle them ever again and you're thinking "just get rid of it"?! Have you NO IDEA at all???

Please don't say anything. Let her deal with it all in her own way and support her to grieve as she chooses.

I’d get her to tell her other children her problem and ask them to take some of it. Even if they take it and throw it out at least she isn’t the one to do it/ can tell herself it’s gone to a good home

Has she asked you for ideas? Otherwise leave it alone. She has to do what is right for her.

My child's things like clothes were kept boxed up in a wardrobe corner for years (while I couldn't believe that my child's life was reduced to a few boxes). The more personal sentimental items either went to siblings or are kept in a large blanket box in my living room. I don't even open that, but it's there.

It took me a good few years before I was ready and able to go through those boxes in the wardrobe and get rid of clothes and shoes and things like that. They were all items that I had no sentimental attachment to, and no strong association with my child. I took out one top and put it in the blanket box, because it did have that kind of sentimental attachment, and donated the rest. I couldn't have done it sooner than I did and feel okay about it.

Your friend's son's stuff is all she has left of him that's tangible. She'll want to hold onto it one way or other, and will probably keep select items forever.

Please don’t tell her to get rid of it. Either help her find a solution until she’s ready to deal with it (such as storage) or just back off if you can’t do that.

There is no pointless about it.

i have a beautiful bedspread made of my son’s clothes. It has includes his pyjamas, school rugby shirt, favourite t-shirt.

His younger brother wears some
of his clothes, 5 years later. His friends had some of his favourite hoodies etc.

Some of his clothes are still hanging in the wardrobe.

I got rid of a lot but it took time. Just a little bit at a time.

it might take her years, she may never do it.

you are not in a position to judge.