In such a sh!t position

[WhiteRobe]

I dont even know where to start becsuse i dont know how ive ended up like this.

Im 37 and diagnosed with an lifelong chronic illness so i cant work. I worked from 16-28 but as Ive gotten older its too much of a strain on my body and im too unreliable to be employed as i have alot of flare ups.

i had a baby at 23. Ex disappeared a few weeks before i gave birth and has no input or financial contribution. Never met our child. None of my friends had kids at the time so inevitably lost contact with alot of them, school playground was clicky from nursery groups so again never formed any proper friends.

my parents both work full time and cant help with childcare. It has gotten to the point that i dont speak to another adult for weeks at a time. I hear from my mum how her sister has her grandson so her daughter can go on girls holidays / has him from 7am to 7pm every weekday plus the holidays she goes on, plus brunches, plus nights out. I said wow its nice for some and she said 'well you dont have a social life' i dont have a social life because ive never ever ever had childcare and the last few years havent been able to work.

im stuck in a horrible cycle of feeling unwell, being lonely and having no help. I know my mum has to work but i need help to. If i say this she says you're lucky not to have to work. Id give anything to wake up and feel well and have the energy to not only go to work but have time for myself. My sons a teenager now and inevitably wants his own downtime so im alone all day then when he gets home, he wants to chill and im alone again.

theres no point trying to date as i dont have the help to be able to. The closest friend i have is recently married with a baby and moving to dubai. I feel so fucking lonely and down.

At 14 surely he's ok for a bit of you want to join an evening club or something for interest and a bit of adult interaction? Sorry you're having a tough time.

Thankyou x

I feel for u OP. I have a chronic illness. I fortunately have been able to work, but decided to retire early as it was getting too much. There is always something wrong with me on top of this- it gets you down. Your mom probably doesn't realise how hurtful her comments are. I would prefer to be working to retirement than feeling like I couldn't. I do have some social life, but feel.like it's not enuf. Are there any clubs you could join? Hand hold OP.

You don’t need so much childcare for a teenager! As PP said have a look for something that interests you nearby. There are likely hobby/craft/book groups that you could join and your son would only be alone for a short while which is good practise at his age 🙂

I don't have any experience, but would imagine that with a chronic issue which means you can't work would also be likely to limit your evening energy?

Could you look at daytime clubs and activities, accepting that many of them may have an older demographic (retirees).

Do you have better days where you can do things? You can go out whilst your son is at school and, as he's 14, you can go out in the evenings if he's comfortable with that.

Round me, there's quite a lot on during the day. Google 'health walks' for your area - these are short and have walk leaders who will ensure no-one is left behind. Our local leisure centre has yoga and other "slow" movement classes. The art gallery has craft group meet-ups. Join a book group.

Basically Im suggesting things that aren't a formal commitment but get you leaving the house and interacting with other adults when you can.

Also your son is old enough to help round the house so not everything falls to you, so hopefully you've got him involved.

He doesnt need childcare if hes a teen, go find a hobby group that youd like to go to & go, he will be fine for a few hours x

Join a Rock Choir! Very social and lots of fun. If you aren't well enough to go to a session, you can catch up online.

How about looking to join a book group ? You will gradually get to know the members ( in my experience mainly women ) and you might find you click with a few you could go for a coffee with .
Some Illnesses run support groups where they get together socially . Could you research yours and go along to a meeting ?
Perhaps there are various clubs you could join , history groups , crafting , even some women's institute have a younger vibe to them .
Expand your horizons !

Is it at all possible to look for very part time work? I am just thinking that the time you worked was also the time you had a baby/young child, so a v physically demanding time in your life.

You might be able to broaden your horizons a tiny bit more now, and improve your financial position, which would then get you out more and give you more options…

Otherwise, if your son is a teenager, go out and join some daytime groups?

You could look at the flip side

your son is a teen now, will be an adult as you turn 40 - he doesn’t need childcare in the same way and despite your health you have raised a soon to be young man

medical advancements happen all the time

have you joined online Facebook groups for your illness? Might not be the physical contact you want but an online community you can share things with and perhaps find ways of coping or medicines that you haven’t thought of

try and not be too hard on your mum, how old is she? And she’s still working, is she near? Could you visit at weekend just to say hello and have a chat?

the internet can be mined for research, possible remote work, support, even just relieving boredom - it’s not all social media and such like

Fellow chronic illness here. Stop thinking about what you can’t do- holidays, overnights- start thinking what you can do. It’s so important.

You have no childcare issues, you have all day to use your energy on things that make you happy. Start doing it. There are loads of free activities you can do. Start trying something out.

You will be exhausted at first, but don’t give up. Do one thing regularly- a book club, or a sewing group. Build up your stamina. Try something else.

Build yourself a life.