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Original poster

DS anxiety and new girl

15 replies

Happiestchild · 04/10/2025 23:53

Hello, I’m worried about DS (22) and wondered what everyone thought of this.

He’s met a young girl (21) who seems lovely and they’ve been out twice. She’s started a new job and has been up front with him and said she’s going to be busy so won’t be texting much, but they’re going out together again in a few days.
DS has anxiety and gets anxious about being ‘ghosted’ (it’s happened before). He’s recently talked to me about this and is wondering why he doesn’t hear from this girl more. I feel sorry for him but I’ve tried to say that she’s been upfront and it’s early days. It’ll either work out or it won’t. I also think he’s a bit lonely.

Part of me thinks how long does it take to respond, or send, a text and if you’re interested in someone, you would. I wonder whether he should step back and see if she contacts him. I really don’t want to get over-involved in this so I don’t really know why I’ve just typed all this out- it’s only because he’s mentioned all this to me and I haven’t a clue about dating and how it all works now!

I suppose I’m worrying that DS will get hurt again and that his mental health will take another kick.

OP posts:
FaceBothered · 04/10/2025 23:55

I suppose I’m worrying that DS will get hurt again and that his mental health will take another kick.

Unfortunately that's the risk you take if you want to date others.

You were right to tell him she's been up front and it's early days.

Original poster
Happiestchild · 05/10/2025 00:05

@FaceBothered yes, and that’s exactly the conversation we had. Still hard to watch though.

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GhostsInTheWindowsAndWalls · 05/10/2025 00:14

Part of me thinks how long does it take to respond, or send, a text and if you’re interested in someone, you would.

Not really and it’s really annoying when people have this attitude. One text turns into a couple and before you know it you’ve spent ages texting because the other person keeps asking questions and expecting responses.

She’s told him she’s starting a new job and will be busy, but has agreed to go out with him in a few days. That’s plenty being as they’ve only been out a couple of times. You both need to respect this girls boundaries and stop this attitude of ‘it wouldn’t take her long to text’. My adult kids would ghost people who had that expectation when they’ve been polite but clear that they’re busy, because it’s pushy, so if he doesn’t want to be ghosted he needs to respect what she has said and stop thinking that way because it will come across to her.

LaLaFlottes · 05/10/2025 00:15

OP I think it’s hard but I would try and remind DS that it’s very early days, and he should enjoy himself and try to just see where it goes.

On one hand yes, it’s easy to send a quick message, but not everyone likes to be constantly messaging and at least she let your DS know that she’s busy. So on the face of it, she’s tried to explain. If it causes him anxiety though, it’s worth him thinking about whether it’s worth it to him, and only he will know that.

I get your concern, and I can very much relate as I have a tendency to get over involved/invested in DD in similar situations, to the point I actually felt quite stressed about it at one point. I do try and step back, but it’s hard when then confide in you and if they are worried or uncertain it’s natural to want to protect them.

I hope it works out for DS but just try and be there for him. DD has had a couple of relationships now and I do feel like it’s all a learning curve at their young age ☺️

ShesTheAlbatross · 05/10/2025 00:21

If they’ve only been out twice and have arranged to go out again in a couple of days, I wouldn’t expect that much contact even if she wasn’t busy tbh. This is still very early days. Add in the fact that she has said she’s busy (and it doesn’t sound like that was an attempt to brush him off since she has agreed to go out again), I think he needs to chill out a bit, in the nicest possible way.

Original poster
Happiestchild · 05/10/2025 00:24

thanks @LaLaFlottes l completely agree. I wish he could stop over thinking and just enjoy it for what it is.

@GhostsInTheWindowsAndWalls I understand your point and my concern was also that I don’t want him to come across as being pushy to this young woman. Our conversation was between us, as we’re entitled to do, and not as a result of him disrespecting her boundaries.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happiestchild · 05/10/2025 00:26

Thanks @ShesTheAlbatross i couldn’t agree more.

OP posts:
GhostsInTheWindowsAndWalls · 05/10/2025 00:39

Happiestchild · 05/10/2025 00:24

thanks @LaLaFlottes l completely agree. I wish he could stop over thinking and just enjoy it for what it is.

@GhostsInTheWindowsAndWalls I understand your point and my concern was also that I don’t want him to come across as being pushy to this young woman. Our conversation was between us, as we’re entitled to do, and not as a result of him disrespecting her boundaries.

Which is why I said he needs to stop thinking that way because it will come across to her. It may be that he’s done it before and that’s why he has been ghosted previously.

Original poster
Happiestchild · 05/10/2025 00:43

@GhostsInTheWindowsAndWalls never easy to just stop thinking that way unfortunately. If it was, he’d have done it.

OP posts:
LaLaFlottes · 05/10/2025 00:47

@Happiestchild he might start to settle and feel more confident after another couple of dates ☺️.

If he’s been ghosted before it’s natural that his confidence has taken a knock.

Fingers crossed anyway. It’s nice he talks to you about it.

NET145 · 05/10/2025 00:53

If the root cause of this might be loneliness, which is very common, is it not best for him to focus on enriching his life with other connections/ fiends/ activities/ passions and find joy in those? His anxiety may ease and he may be more relaxed / out less pressure on this one interaction with this new woman? It’s very off putting for anyone to feel that they are responsible for another person’s happiness, even just the need to text back quickly, and I would theorise that they are less attractive/ more likely to be ghosted if so…
Completely understand that it’s difficult to watch someone you care for navigating the complexities and brutalities of dating

Original poster
Happiestchild · 05/10/2025 00:58

Hi @NET145 i did suggest that he concentrate on filling his time with the things he enjoys so he has less time to focus on whether or not he’s received a text. I’m glad I’m not their age!

OP posts:
GhostsInTheWindowsAndWalls · 05/10/2025 01:07

Happiestchild · 05/10/2025 00:43

@GhostsInTheWindowsAndWalls never easy to just stop thinking that way unfortunately. If it was, he’d have done it.

Then it’s likely his attitude and intenseness has already and will come across to her and any other women he may date. That’s going to put women off I’m afraid. And your attitude of ‘ she should text him, how long would it take’ when she has said she’s busy, is really dismissive.

NET145 · 05/10/2025 04:04

Happiestchild · 05/10/2025 00:58

Hi @NET145 i did suggest that he concentrate on filling his time with the things he enjoys so he has less time to focus on whether or not he’s received a text. I’m glad I’m not their age!

Yeah I think this is the best approach - in a supportive way and knowing him best, maybe there are things you can do to help him come up with ideas/ try new things/ actually get out there and do them if he is not proactive about it for himself… hopefully his confidence and friendship circle will grow / anxiety lessen and he’ll become less anxious about receiving texts back in the way you’ve described

Original poster
Happiestchild · 05/10/2025 09:39

Thanks @NET145, I just want him to be happy (and he is) - he's working through quite severe anxiety at the moment but he's getting there.

@GhostsInTheWindowsAndWalls I understand your point about attitude and intenseness as I'm picking exactly that up from your messages.

Anyway, thank you all. I appreciate your messages.

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