Page 2 | School’s treatment of DD being unwell

Dotheblippiwiggle · 2025-10-03T18:40:30+00:00

DD14 had 5 days off school as she had an awful sickness and stomach bug. She was barely away from the loo during those 5 days. Her school does not allow students to use the toilets unless they have a doctor confirmed medical issue so she would have had an accident. (Another issue entirely as she gets regular urine infections from holding it in until she’s home). I received an email from school stating her attendance is appalling from the 5 days off. They claimed they came to my house to check DD was actually unwell but no one was home (a lie as I work from home, sitting at the main window and also have 2 ring doorbells). They want me to come into school for a meeting to discuss how I can prevent any further time off school. I’ve also received a council letter telling me if she has anymore time off school they will fine me and take me to court. For 5 days. Im shocked and disgusted that 5 days of being genuinely unwell has caused such an uproar. I know for a fact many of her friends have had much more time off school and they haven’t received the same emails or letter. (I know their parents so this is confirmed). It feels like they have decided to pick on DD specifically. No one can plan to be unwell, no one wants to be unwell and if she is unwell again in the future and needs time off school it would make me a neglectful cruel parent to send her in. Today she woke up complaining of a sore throat, not to get a day off school but to ask me to get her some lozenges. She was quiet at school as it hurt to speak and her form tutor told her ‘oh well, you’re not allowed any more time off so suck it up’. I don’t know how to react to this, I’m angry and I’m also confused why DD is seeming to take the weight of school statistics on her shoulders. She told me at lunch 4 of her teachers were sat in the canteen and were watching her while talking which made her uncomfortable. There is no cause for concern with DD, she’s a good student and she’s doing great academically. It’s made me want to remove her from the school although I know this is drastic and not good for her upcoming GCSEs. Can anyone who works in this sector shed light on why the school are overreacting? Is there anything I should do/say? Tia

ExperiencedTeacher · 03/10/2025 23:04

usedtobeaylis · 03/10/2025 22:52

I'm honestly flabbergasted that this is a thing. I know when I was at school we did have truancy officers but they did not attend at your home for a reasonable and reported sickness absence. Schools have lost all perspective.

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Please remember schools are doing what we are directed to do by the DfE and Ofsted. We’d much rather be in school teaching but we are no longer teachers. We are also social workers, mental health professionals, police. We are directed to complete home visits and it is a massive drain on school resources.

Bobbybobbins · 03/10/2025 23:13

Ffs as if school staff want to be going to student houses.

lack of social care- overstretched
potential neglect

Obviously not relating this to the OP but to illustrate why schools are asked to do this….

Ratafia · 03/10/2025 23:14

Tell the school that, before you have any meeting about your daughter, you need a meeting to discuss why they lied about coming to your house.

ShesTheAlbatross · 03/10/2025 23:43

ExperiencedTeacher · 03/10/2025 23:04

Please remember schools are doing what we are directed to do by the DfE and Ofsted. We’d much rather be in school teaching but we are no longer teachers. We are also social workers, mental health professionals, police. We are directed to complete home visits and it is a massive drain on school resources.

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OP’s school isn’t. The gov guidance is very clear about illness being marked as authorised on the parent’s say so unless the circumstances are exceptional. And yet they’ve clearly marked her absence as unauthorised because she’s being threatened with a fine.

ExperiencedTeacher · 03/10/2025 23:46

ShesTheAlbatross · 03/10/2025 23:43

OP’s school isn’t. The gov guidance is very clear about illness being marked as authorised on the parent’s say so unless the circumstances are exceptional. And yet they’ve clearly marked her absence as unauthorised because she’s being threatened with a fine.

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OP hasn’t answered what attendance was like last year. If OP’s child was persistently absent (<90%) last year that isn’t treated in isolation. The school will be looking to build good habits of attendance immediately this year and will be within their rights to question the authenticity of the absence. Further, an absence of 3+ days triggers a home visit regardless of reason for absence.

ninjahamster · 03/10/2025 23:51

OP, did you report her absence daily?

Tryingatleast · 04/10/2025 00:04

I never get how schools have an issue with the days off if they’re in a row and you’ve explained it’s a bug or a flu- it’s a given it’s not going to be just one day! I honestly think schools have their priorities messed up- 2 of my children had bad attendance one year- one a final year student who we were having trouble getting into school, he was slightly depressed. Other ear infections and throat issues, had doctor letters covering everything as well as consultant letters, confirmation of time in hospital. We got called in over that son and they went through all the dates with a fine tooth comb and then said ‘hopefully he’ll make the last few weeks’. I said he will if he’s well, he doesn’t want to miss school! Not a question about the other son

usedtobeaylis · 04/10/2025 07:22

ExperiencedTeacher · 03/10/2025 23:04

Please remember schools are doing what we are directed to do by the DfE and Ofsted. We’d much rather be in school teaching but we are no longer teachers. We are also social workers, mental health professionals, police. We are directed to complete home visits and it is a massive drain on school resources.

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I'll bet, having to send staff out to homes for routine absence seems a massive waste. But I don't just mean that, I mean the punitive nature of schools in England in general. Every day there's something on here that is completely unreasonable in terms of expectations or consequences for what is ultimately normal child behaviour.

ExperiencedTeacher · 04/10/2025 08:00

usedtobeaylis · 04/10/2025 07:22

I'll bet, having to send staff out to homes for routine absence seems a massive waste. But I don't just mean that, I mean the punitive nature of schools in England in general. Every day there's something on here that is completely unreasonable in terms of expectations or consequences for what is ultimately normal child behaviour.

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Having taught for 20 years and been in senior leadership for 5, including cross-phase while trust work, I can say that the behaviour I see daily would have been considered extreme only 5 years ago.

The lack of respect in schools is chronic and, I have to say, is often mirrored by parents. I have parents who scream and shout and swear at me to get their own way because they are so scared of not giving in to their child.

We are not an overly punitive school but we do have to have some boundaries/expectations. E.g. if every child who wanted to go to the loo during lessons was allowed, not only would their learning (and the learning of the class and classes around the toilets) be disrupted, but we would also have bullying because teachers are teaching, and not available to monitor. We would also have high levels of vaping (something that is already rife in schools). Some children would be too scared to go to the toilet and some children would spend more time in there than the classroom. We don’t stop students going to the loo if they are desperate but it’s very easy to spot when a kid goes every lesson and it’s pretty obvious they are vaping (you just haven’t caught them in the act).

I think the solution to all of this is parents and schools working together, rather than against each other.

Lougle · 04/10/2025 08:24

ExperiencedTeacher · 04/10/2025 08:00

Having taught for 20 years and been in senior leadership for 5, including cross-phase while trust work, I can say that the behaviour I see daily would have been considered extreme only 5 years ago.

The lack of respect in schools is chronic and, I have to say, is often mirrored by parents. I have parents who scream and shout and swear at me to get their own way because they are so scared of not giving in to their child.

We are not an overly punitive school but we do have to have some boundaries/expectations. E.g. if every child who wanted to go to the loo during lessons was allowed, not only would their learning (and the learning of the class and classes around the toilets) be disrupted, but we would also have bullying because teachers are teaching, and not available to monitor. We would also have high levels of vaping (something that is already rife in schools). Some children would be too scared to go to the toilet and some children would spend more time in there than the classroom. We don’t stop students going to the loo if they are desperate but it’s very easy to spot when a kid goes every lesson and it’s pretty obvious they are vaping (you just haven’t caught them in the act).

I think the solution to all of this is parents and schools working together, rather than against each other.

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Toilets are a huge issue. Because children are prevented from going to the toilet in lesson time, they have to use the toilet in break times 'just in case'. 1350 children trying to use the toilets in a 30 minute period.

My girls simply stopped drinking at school, and before school, so they wouldn't have to use the toilet. They also wouldn't go to school if they had their period. At school, they felt unwell because they hadn't had a drink all night, but wouldn't drink in the day time.

There has to be a better way to manage it.

usedtobeaylis · 04/10/2025 08:40

ExperiencedTeacher · 04/10/2025 08:00

Having taught for 20 years and been in senior leadership for 5, including cross-phase while trust work, I can say that the behaviour I see daily would have been considered extreme only 5 years ago.

The lack of respect in schools is chronic and, I have to say, is often mirrored by parents. I have parents who scream and shout and swear at me to get their own way because they are so scared of not giving in to their child.

We are not an overly punitive school but we do have to have some boundaries/expectations. E.g. if every child who wanted to go to the loo during lessons was allowed, not only would their learning (and the learning of the class and classes around the toilets) be disrupted, but we would also have bullying because teachers are teaching, and not available to monitor. We would also have high levels of vaping (something that is already rife in schools). Some children would be too scared to go to the toilet and some children would spend more time in there than the classroom. We don’t stop students going to the loo if they are desperate but it’s very easy to spot when a kid goes every lesson and it’s pretty obvious they are vaping (you just haven’t caught them in the act).

I think the solution to all of this is parents and schools working together, rather than against each other.

Show quote history

I totally agree about behaviour in schools being worse in general and how difficult it must be to manage it while still trying to educate children first and foremost. I'm not really talking about that though - I'm talking about things like punishing children for having a blazer off, or not having a pencil. Children aren't daft, they know it's ridiculous, unfair and punitive for the sake of it. Whole-class punishments is a big issue still.

In my experience - not as a teacher but as a parent currently navigating the system with the kind of typical mainstream children that the system is apparently built for - there's a big problem with schools not trusting children and babying them far too much while simultaneously punishing them for normal behaviour. It's not actually only a school problem but the upshot for my primary aged daughter is that she's in pretty much the same place in the last two years of primary as she was in the last two years of nursery - absolutely stultified. Dealing with individual children who exploit toilet use is one thing, blanket 'no' (that includes girls who are at the age of starting their periods) because other children exploit toilet use is poor. I get that there has to be some generalisations in managing a large number of children but my point is really that this is tipping over into punitive cultures for the sake of it. That might not be the case at your personal school but it IS clearly the case at many.

soupyspoon · 04/10/2025 08:45

BreakfastOfChampignons · 03/10/2025 21:11

Dont send this. You'll look like a tit.

How is an incorrect address either a GDPR breach or a safeguarding concern?!

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Absolutely this!!!

SAFEGUARDING!!!!

Peppered throughout, does not make it thus

And as for LADO, lol

LoftyRobin · 04/10/2025 08:52

YellowSubmarine994 · 03/10/2025 20:48

I work in the sector. They've made a massive f up. Write this email to whoever sent it to you and copy in the governors and the safeguarding lead. I promise you they will s themselves and not bother you again.

---

Dear [name],

I would like to arrange a meeting to discuss this issue further as I have several serious safeguarding concerns regarding your email.

Firstly, the email you have sent directly states that my daughter has had five days unauthorised absence this term, which is incorrect. She has had five days of authorised sickness absence where she has been medically unwell. I have informed the school of her sickness following your policy. Schools have a legal obligation within safeguarding as well as their obligations to OFSTED to keep and accurate and true record of attendance and absence as this is a legally required document that can be used as evidence in court of law. I am deeply concerned that you as a school have clearly not fulfilled this legal and safeguarding obligation as you have incorrectly noted my child as unauthorised absence.

Secondly, I am surprised that a professional body such as yourselves are suggesting I should be bringing an unwell child into school against medical advice. The NHS guidelines (and your own policy) clearly state that children should not be in school for a minimum of 48 hours after the final D&V episode. I would be negligent as a parent to send my child into school with active D&V, and I am really disappointed to see that the school are negligent enough of their pupils welfare to encourage someone with an active D&V illness to come into school. I am surprised that the school thought their behaviour here has been appropriate. It is, at best, a lack of judgement, and yet another welfare and safeguarding concern. I am disappointed you value your attendance statistics more than your pupils welfare. Similarly, I would hope a school would have the common sense to realise that given children have only been back at school for one month, a five day absence would give a misleading percentage of attendance. I do not take lightly to being threatened when keeping my child home instead of having her vomit all over your classrooms.

Thirdly, you state you have been to my home to check that my daughter was unwell. This is factually incorrect as I was home with [daughter] the entire time, and our CCTV footage also shows no visits from yourselves. Therefore, there are only two possible conclusions. Either, the school are holding an incorrect home address (which is a GDPR and safeguarding breach) or is intentionally lying to provoke fear (which is harassment). I will need you to state in writing which of those two possibilities occured, and I shall then pass your response to OFSTED and the LADO along with my safeguarding conxern, as both eventualities are disturbing and not what I would expect of a school.

Please let me know the best way to discuss this with your further. I expect to hear back from you within 7 days, and I will include your reply (or lack there of) in my referal to OFSTED and LADO as a safeguarding concern at the school and as a notification of the professional conduct of your staff.

Regards

[Your name]

Edited

Yes. I've done similar.

When one of my kids were younger, they were sent home from school with chicken pox. It resulted in 10 days off of school that then rolled into the Easter holidays. So they weren't seen at school for nearly 5 weeks.

At the beginning of that academic year, the same child had an issue that was causing absence but was fixed by surgery around the October half term. It caused issues the previous academic year, too.

After Easter, the pastoral care leader person sent us a letter saying their attendance was below a certain percentage so it must go to the LEA and also questioned my child about whether they'd "really been on holiday". She tried to pretend to my child that nobody at the school believed they had chicken pox, but my child, innocent and confused, explained that it was a staff member who noticed the spots and sent them to the office so how could the school not know?

I sent letters very similarly to this where the LEA assured me that the attendance wasnt an issue as it was well documented and the Governers apologised to me. I never got on with the pastoral lead again, but she also stopped harassing me and my kids. Oh she blamed other staff for "not telling her" that they sent my son home. Who told her to assume that we had just wanted a cheap holiday?!

notatinydancer · 04/10/2025 09:06

YellowSubmarine994 · 03/10/2025 20:48

I work in the sector. They've made a massive f up. Write this email to whoever sent it to you and copy in the governors and the safeguarding lead. I promise you they will s themselves and not bother you again.

---

Dear [name],

I would like to arrange a meeting to discuss this issue further as I have several serious safeguarding concerns regarding your email.

Firstly, the email you have sent directly states that my daughter has had five days unauthorised absence this term, which is incorrect. She has had five days of authorised sickness absence where she has been medically unwell. I have informed the school of her sickness following your policy. Schools have a legal obligation within safeguarding as well as their obligations to OFSTED to keep and accurate and true record of attendance and absence as this is a legally required document that can be used as evidence in court of law. I am deeply concerned that you as a school have clearly not fulfilled this legal and safeguarding obligation as you have incorrectly noted my child as unauthorised absence.

Secondly, I am surprised that a professional body such as yourselves are suggesting I should be bringing an unwell child into school against medical advice. The NHS guidelines (and your own policy) clearly state that children should not be in school for a minimum of 48 hours after the final D&V episode. I would be negligent as a parent to send my child into school with active D&V, and I am really disappointed to see that the school are negligent enough of their pupils welfare to encourage someone with an active D&V illness to come into school. I am surprised that the school thought their behaviour here has been appropriate. It is, at best, a lack of judgement, and yet another welfare and safeguarding concern. I am disappointed you value your attendance statistics more than your pupils welfare. Similarly, I would hope a school would have the common sense to realise that given children have only been back at school for one month, a five day absence would give a misleading percentage of attendance. I do not take lightly to being threatened when keeping my child home instead of having her vomit all over your classrooms.

Thirdly, you state you have been to my home to check that my daughter was unwell. This is factually incorrect as I was home with [daughter] the entire time, and our CCTV footage also shows no visits from yourselves. Therefore, there are only two possible conclusions. Either, the school are holding an incorrect home address (which is a GDPR and safeguarding breach) or is intentionally lying to provoke fear (which is harassment). I will need you to state in writing which of those two possibilities occured, and I shall then pass your response to OFSTED and the LADO along with my safeguarding conxern, as both eventualities are disturbing and not what I would expect of a school.

Please let me know the best way to discuss this with your further. I expect to hear back from you within 7 days, and I will include your reply (or lack there of) in my referal to OFSTED and LADO as a safeguarding concern at the school and as a notification of the professional conduct of your staff.

Regards

[Your name]

Edited

I hope you don’t work in education, this letter is terribly written.

Ilfurfante · 04/10/2025 09:09

usedtobeaylis · 03/10/2025 22:52

I'm honestly flabbergasted that this is a thing. I know when I was at school we did have truancy officers but they did not attend at your home for a reasonable and reported sickness absence. Schools have lost all perspective.

Show quote history

You're judging people by your own standards. Sadly, it's not that schools have lost perspective, it's that lots of parents are fuck-ups who don't don't know how to take care of their kids. If schools ignored these things they'd get criticised for not doing enough when there is a significant safeguarding incident.

The OP seems perfectly reasonable but actually, we only have their word for it. Maybe their attendance is poor in general.

So many times I heard from parents that "their child was not allowed to use the toilet" when it's blatantly not true. They were allowed to use the toilet, just asked not to go in the first 10 minutes of a lesson or the last five because it's very disruptive. But rather than adhere to this, some students would rather argue with the teacher, up and leave and tell them F off on the way out. However, that's definitely not the story they'd tell at home and unless, as a pastoral leader, I was there to witness the incident it then becomes the teachers word against the student. That wasn't even a one-off but a daily occurrence at the school I worked at.

usedtobeaylis · 04/10/2025 11:07

Ilfurfante · 04/10/2025 09:09

You're judging people by your own standards. Sadly, it's not that schools have lost perspective, it's that lots of parents are fuck-ups who don't don't know how to take care of their kids. If schools ignored these things they'd get criticised for not doing enough when there is a significant safeguarding incident.

The OP seems perfectly reasonable but actually, we only have their word for it. Maybe their attendance is poor in general.

So many times I heard from parents that "their child was not allowed to use the toilet" when it's blatantly not true. They were allowed to use the toilet, just asked not to go in the first 10 minutes of a lesson or the last five because it's very disruptive. But rather than adhere to this, some students would rather argue with the teacher, up and leave and tell them F off on the way out. However, that's definitely not the story they'd tell at home and unless, as a pastoral leader, I was there to witness the incident it then becomes the teachers word against the student. That wasn't even a one-off but a daily occurrence at the school I worked at.

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No, when it becomes the default they have lost perspective. Assuming the parent must be lying or withholding something is symptomatic of that. It's a horrible culture.

LoftyRobin · 04/10/2025 11:11

Ilfurfante · 04/10/2025 09:09

You're judging people by your own standards. Sadly, it's not that schools have lost perspective, it's that lots of parents are fuck-ups who don't don't know how to take care of their kids. If schools ignored these things they'd get criticised for not doing enough when there is a significant safeguarding incident.

The OP seems perfectly reasonable but actually, we only have their word for it. Maybe their attendance is poor in general.

So many times I heard from parents that "their child was not allowed to use the toilet" when it's blatantly not true. They were allowed to use the toilet, just asked not to go in the first 10 minutes of a lesson or the last five because it's very disruptive. But rather than adhere to this, some students would rather argue with the teacher, up and leave and tell them F off on the way out. However, that's definitely not the story they'd tell at home and unless, as a pastoral leader, I was there to witness the incident it then becomes the teachers word against the student. That wasn't even a one-off but a daily occurrence at the school I worked at.

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When i had my experience, the LEA said they would not bother with us because the pattern of absence shows a clear pattern of regular illness opposed to the odd days here and there.

99victoria · 04/10/2025 12:19

The OP hasn't actually confirmed that they followed the absence reporting system. If they didn't notify the school every day that the child was unwell then the attendance officer would have no choice but to mark the attendance unauthorised. There are very specific codes schools have to use

TeenLifeMum · 04/10/2025 12:23

Dd had flu and was off school 4 days just before half term (continued to be ill for another 4 days but as it was half term it didn’t count on their numbers). Being so early in the term it triggered the percentage for sickness and I got a letter that made me eye roll. Honestly, I’d put in writing that you would like confirmation as to when they visited as you wfh and would like to check they have the correct address as they did not come to your home. There’s no need for a meeting as dd had a sickness bug and there’s no further action or support needed from the school.

i am a supporter of school in most cases but will not be drawn into this bs.

Schoolchoicesucks · 04/10/2025 15:26

TeenLifeMum · 04/10/2025 12:23

Dd had flu and was off school 4 days just before half term (continued to be ill for another 4 days but as it was half term it didn’t count on their numbers). Being so early in the term it triggered the percentage for sickness and I got a letter that made me eye roll. Honestly, I’d put in writing that you would like confirmation as to when they visited as you wfh and would like to check they have the correct address as they did not come to your home. There’s no need for a meeting as dd had a sickness bug and there’s no further action or support needed from the school.

i am a supporter of school in most cases but will not be drawn into this bs.

This is a proportionate response. Don't send that massive GDPR Safegurading LADO one.

cabbageking · 04/10/2025 16:28

You do a home visit when you have a concern.

It is up to the school to authorise or not any absence. It is not the parents who decide. Have a conversation with school.

JaneVapeman · 04/10/2025 17:00

@YellowSubmarine994 I like your letter !

Skybluepinky · 04/10/2025 17:47

5 days off for a stomach bug is excessive so surely you had a gp appointment to rule out food poisoning, or a major health issue, that would be the only proof you’d need.

Original poster

Dotheblippiwiggle · 04/10/2025 18:42

Thanks for everyone’s replies, sorry it took so long to come back, had a busy day with DS birthday.
To answer a few Q:
I did contact them every day to say DD wouldn’t be coming in due to DV. She was actually sent home on the Monday at 11am as she’d thrown up in reception, sorry I realise I didn’t add that to OP. So they had evidence she was unwell from the off. The D began on the Wednesday.
Oddly enough the school does not have the 48 hour rule, if they have D or V they can return to school when they feel well and ready to. DD didn’t feel right until the Sunday, I considered keeping her home on the Monday too ‘just incase’ but she decided to go.
All absences are unauthorised at this school, unless it’s something really important like an operation (yes really).
Her attendance last year was 91, she had a few days off here and there with illnesses. Nothing was said and I did provide GP evidence for one of them.
This policy seems to be in all schools in my area, but I never hear of anyone else complain of the same thing. It’s stressing me out tbh. We haven’t had a holiday for 2 years and they’re welcome to check my online meetings/ring footage as proof we were home. It’s almost like they are taking away parental responsibility with these stupid rules.

OP posts:

Lougle · 04/10/2025 19:05

"All absences are unauthorised at this school, unless it’s something really important like an operation (yes really)."

@Dotheblippiwiggle they can't just choose what codes to use. They have to follow the national attendance rules. It might be worth contacting the LA.

School’s treatment of DD being unwell

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