Help! How to feel less lost as an (almost) SAHM to teens

[CoccinelleHeureuse]

I have 2 teens DD16 and DS13. I have always worked full time or almost full time in a professional role. Life hasn't gone as planned of late and for the sake of their wellbeing (and mine) and education I have needed to step back from work.

Generally, family life is better for this and it means that I can give them both the support they need (and have probably needed for some time) but (while much less stressed) I am feeling quite lost, as life feels so different. They are both in school/ college during the day (DS has half a day out a week for some specialist support, and I drive him in and home from school, as well as the normal activities/tutors etc teens often have.) I do about 2 days of (well paid) freelance work over the course of the week and we are fine financially. I have just joined the board of trustees of a national charity. I have various hobbies, but there is only so much yoga, dog walking and reading I can do, or banana bread I can make. I have a few friends locally, but they are used to me working or work themselves, so I'm not really in the loop. In short, I feel lost, underoccupied and if I'm honest, I'm struggling with the lost status.

On the surface, it looks like I'm living the dream. But this is not the choice I would have made if DC didn't need me to, and I feel I've lost a bit of myself in the process. I do really want to make the most of this time and would appreciate any advice from people in a similar situation in terms of how to support everyone else, but keep a good, meaningful life for myself.

It sounds like you have a very meaningful life and you’re still doing two days freelance per week, which is great.

I think you just need time to adjust to your new normal. But honestly try not to worry too much about perceived loss of status. You are just taking your life in a different (and less stressful) direction so try and see that as a good thing plus you have the time to hugely invest in your kids which is priceless.

just tell yourself that this is for a few years, enjoy it while it lasts and then you can go back to full time work if you want to, so you’re not closing the door permanently on that.

I think "struggling with the lost status" may be the key issue here. Two days of paid work plus two teens plus a voluntary role plus hobbies plus the normal cooking, housework etc doesn't actually sound that under occupied to me. I think you need a period of adjustment to make peace with your new situation. By all means think about other ways to keep yourself busy, but also I think you need to just give yourself time to adapt.

I did something similar following an international move. My DCs were younger, but it was a big upheaval in our lives.

I'd say, it takes some mental readjustment, particularly if you've been used to getting a large degree of self-worth from professional/financial success. It sounds like you're doing the right things, and the freelancing is good - my route has been more of a consulting one, so sometimes it's extremely full on and sometimes I don't have any.

My first piece of advice is to try to get out of the mindset that financial compensation defines value.

My second, is, don't take on too much out of fear - I did that my first year and regretted it. I'm pretty selective now about which projects I take. I remember getting anxious if it seemed like I was going to have any free/unaccounted for time. I was so used to every minute being allocated.

My third is to spend some real time making sure your professional network stays intact. Go to industry events, have lunches with former colleagues, stay or get active in any professional societies. Stay current with developments in the field. If there are any opportunities for mentoring or speaking, take them.

My fourth is, if you have wanted to do any post-grad degrees (or additional post-grad degrees) do that. I did in something I was interested in and it actually has fed into my work to some extent. It's also widened my social circle in new directions. If you speak another language, invest the time to get more fluent, if you don't, learn one.

Fifth. If you can afford it, outsource the cleaning, unless you love it. I was home for family life and the kids, not to become a domestic drudge.

And sixth. Get a puppy. You won't have a spare minute for the next eighteen months. 😅

Thanks for this advice. It is all really helpful. Wise words that giving it time is key. I am naturally a very impatient and busy person, which has it's good and bad sides. And clearly, status and financial reward are more important to me than I appreciated (shallow, I know.)

I think I am doing some of the things hohummm1 suggests. It was a non negotiable that the cleaner stays, as replacing my job with housework wasn't an option (not least because our house would quickly become a complete midden.) I've really taken on board the importance of keeping my professional network going and am still going to be doing the same amount of CPD/ conferences etc. I might even take on a more active role in our professional body.

On the plus side, I am loving many aspects of my new situation. We've had emails from several of DS's teachers saying how much more engaged and confident he in in class, and I have been able to plan to attend university open days and support DD with test revision without feeling exhausted. I'm taking French lessons. We are eating really well as I can plan and shop for fresh food each day, and I have time to help DS cook a family meal each week, which he loves to do. I have already decluttered a lot. The DDogs seem to be enjoying my new-found free time, and look optimistic for a walk every time I pick up my keys :)

It's not shallow at all OP for your professional career to be a big part of your identity. Don't apologise for that - own it!