One parent moving away during sixth form

[ZobiLaMouche]

For 10 years DD has lived between me & DH and her dad, stepmum, and now 6 year old brother, and DDog, about 60:40 timewise with frequent going between homes. She's just started sixth form, she's v academic aiming for Oxbridge. She struggles with MH, has SH, but generally won't talk to us about it, or see counsellor for more than a couple of sessions. This year her dad has said she's grumpy, angry, and spending all her time in her room there; not so much here, though has her moments of course; mostly chats away about all sorts, current events, school life, we watch telly together most nights and have a laugh. She has a couple of friends, little social life outside school but some, and is well-liked in school circle.

She's had a rough year, she loved her school and was set on staying for sixth form but it unexpectedly closed and she had to make a late move. She's making the best of it despite being anxious, and it's an environment that will help her thrice. Her beloved GDad was diagnosed with cancer in January, he's doing okay but has been a worry.

For about a year she's mentioned to me that she's overheard stuff about stepmum wanting to move 300 miles away to dream house, garden etc. when DD goes to uni. Yesterday her dad called me to say, had a tough convo with DD as raised with her they are considering moving soon because brother's school is problematic, HT has been suspended, massive debt, teachers and pupils have left. Generally this is regarded as a good small local primary and some parents fully believe it can turn around.

DD is upset and angry, doesn't want them to go. I think the impact on her emotionally and potentially academically would be very hard for her. Her dad is weighing this against the impact on 6 year old brother of moving to a different school for a year or so, then moving again, to new county. After we spoke on the phone I sent him a long email outlining what I think DD feels and possible impacts, and her timeline over the next year and a half or so - til A levels are over; lots of project, coursework, and uni application deadlines, and extra work for the Oxbridge application; and her generally growing towards leaving for uni herself. Also lots about how she does love him, he's her Daddy. He replied with a focus on how angry and unpleasant she is at their house.

I'd like to get a sense check - what would you do if this was your two children?

Ultimately you can't do anything, if dad wants to move he will.

Just focus on supporting your DD. Maybe some consistency in having one home will be good for her, especially as she seems unhappy at her dad's.

Ultimately you cannot do anything. If he moves, you cannot stop him he needs to think about both his kids, not just one. Maybe a good thing to be settled in one house if she is miserable when at his? It might be a good thing.

Well I can understand his thinking tbh - his other child’s education is suffering, hers isn’t and she has stability with you. Why is she so unpleasant at his - does she not like going? Doesn’t get on with little brother? Doesn’t like stepmother? What’s the plan to maintain their relationship once her father has moved?

You both need to reassure her - I’m sure she can work out that you think him moving is for rubbish reasons which won’t help…

As an aside - MH, self harm, anxiety, little social life. Oxbridge will destroy her. Please encourage her to look elsewhere as well.

This, you can't really expect him to wait for a year and a half?

Thanks for these, interesting to hear other views. So if you were her dad you’d move away and not move younger child to another school for a couple of years for the sake of older child’s stability. I feel that she will experience this as him choosing brother over her, which hurts.

Oxford - yes I have long said don’t go, not worth the pressure, and she is looking at places like York and Warwick.

Yes i would the sons education is being hurt & moving to one school for a year and then another is not stability. Whilst your daughter is settled & has stability with you.
she clearly doesnt enjoy spending time with them if that is her behaviour and hes obviously seen that too. I dont think hes in the wrong here.

Hmm if he moves away, then he ought to make the effort to come and see her somewhere in the vicinity of where you currently live. It's unreasonable to expect her to do quite a lot of shuttling between two homes that are far apart when she's got a heavy workload. Perhaps she will be happier living just with you, but seeing him from time to time.

It's difficult because although her father will be considering both her and her brother, her stepmother will be focussed on sorting out the situation with her 6yo and that will have a lot more weight in her mind than anything to do with your dd. Stepmother clearly wants to move away and usually women are quite persuasive in these situations.

The stepbrother has both parents full time, which is more stability in some ways. I wouldn’t move away from my child at that stage (or at any stage, tbh).

She has stability though with you - she doesn’t need a second home with her dad. Her brother is stuck.

The stability you want for DD, they also want for their son. I think her MH issues are clouding it for you; she finds life hard so you want to keep it as easy as you can for her, but you can’t force everyone else to do this. Her reactions are quite intense.

I think this is shitty of her dad, but there’s nothing you can do about it.

I wonder which was the chicken/egg with her being moody at his house and him & SM bringing up moving away.

I’m surprised at all the responses saying it’s fine that her dad moves 300 miles away for the sake of her step mums job, and her half-brother.

It’s literally telling her in big letters, fck you and your needs, it doesn’t matter to me that you’re doing your ALevels which will impact the rest of your life.

Sorry about that.

And I’ll hardly see you any more unless You travel to see Me.

He’s being a horrible selfish dad to his daughter. The small son will deal with changing schools twice - and it won’t affect the rest of his life. Kids coming last in blended families, again (not you doing that, obviously).

Yes, I obviously think he's putting DD last and that's selfish etc. Stepmum is the driver of the move away and influences him. I posted because wanted to know if I'm blinded by my feelings for DD, which from replies I can see most think I am. That helps me in deciding not to pursue comms with him about it.
And I posted because I have one child so I don't know how people balance differing needs of two.

It would be a huge change for DD, 10 years of seeing all the family every week to not seeing her dad etc for probably half a term at a time. And not having the dog will be really sad for her. Lots more about it interfering with her own process towards leaving for university.

I also think her dad has lost sight of the long term parent relationship; most parents have to ride out difficult teenage behaviour - I read that all the time on here - keeping faith it will get better. They have the unusual option of leaving but I don't think DD's behaviour should be part of the reason for the move.

I agree with this. Seems like the 6 year olds family life is blighted by the older sister.

Do you question how unpleasant she is at her DFs but is pleasant at yours.

Do you consider she is making a choice in her behaviour rather than this being ‘MH’?

I wonder if you consider that you enable or are indulgent of her poor behaviour.

Unless there are issue in the DF home and she is being treated badly then there is never any excuse for bad behaviour MH or not. Even if it explained it - it doesn’t excuse it - which in this case I don’t believe it does as she has a good non conflict social circle at school and other areas of her life.

She’s probably moody because she knows they are planning to leave her!

I think there are a few things going on here. Hopefully she is having some professional help to deal with the past year and her MH issues. She sounds a lot like my daughter who really struggled with settling in to 6th form, I worked very closely with the school who kept an eye on her and she had a lot of counselling. To some degree GCSE year than entering 6th form can be a challenging time for lots of kids

Secondly, what I have noticed is that you are looking at his potential move in a very negative light centered around your daughter and your not considering what could be done to overcome some of the issues you have raised. I think I would be asking him how often he plans to see her, if it's 300 miles away can she fly there in the school holidays or can he pick her up, is he going to use facetime. This move shouldn't be treated as a sign he doesn't love her and I really don't think it's your place to comment on where the 6yr old goes to school. I think they probably found your email extremely unhelpful if it was more about criticizing them rather than trying to understand the practicalities of the potential move.

It does sound like out of the two of them the son has the much worse deal at the moment. His sister is moody and detached when she visits, his school is really poor and he's looking at moving schools twice. The older he gets the harder school moves will be.

It's understandable you only see your DD's needs but it cannot be nice for the younger boy to live with that 40% of the time. She's old enough to understand the impact she's having on the family, so I can understand her dad's frustration, particularly if she's capable of better behaviour at your house. She sounds self involved - normal for a teenager, but she needs honesty, not your reassurance that the problem is entirely her dad.

Having said that it's unfortunate they are set on moving so far away at an intense time for your daughter. But it could actually change their relationship for the better if she is able to visit for longer stretches in the holidays rather than shuttling between your two houses. She won't be doing that for much longer anyway.

I think her dad is caught between a rock and a hard place, but causing the least disruption to his youngest while his oldest can still have a stable home with you is probably the lesser of two evils, really, though that doesn’t make it any less shit.