Hope needed.

[LongtimeLurker2]

My daughter is having a rubbish time in school. She’s in year 11 and has been dropped by her friend group, she’s very lonely and hoping for a fresh start in college. Can anyone offer me hope that things will get better. I’m worried about the rest of year 11, getting through GCSEs, being lonely and possibly not going to prom.

Is she going to college open days? They would give her an insight into what years 12 & 13 might look like, and that might make y11 more bearable.

We’ve just started to yes, we’re looking at ones that her peers may not be going to also for a fresh start. I know going alone to a college ight be hard but I think it might do her good. I’m just hoping she can make friends when there. I’m worried sick and it keeps me awake at night.

Hi. I'm so sorry to read this post! It's so common and so upsetting. I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but want to send you both a big hug and reassure you that it will be ok, even if this year is horrible. Can she join a sports group or club or something, somewhere slightly out the area where she can meet new friends? Wishing her all the best x

Thank you that’s very kind. I think currently I can’t see past this awful time but hopeful college can be a fresh start. We’ve looked at clubs to join however with GCSE revision starting to ramp up and a small part time job I’m not sure if she has the time. I’m just so disappointed for her as she’s so kind to everyone and this one girl in her old group had turned everyone against her. I worry about what she will miss out on this year, the so called fun of year 11. I’ve toyed with dies king to parents but not sure that will help as I dint know them well and to be honest these so called friends Ste but people who she could genuinely call friends now. Just a rubbish and sad situation. Has anyone had similar issues and their child made new friends at college?

I’m really sorry to hear that your daughter is having such a difficult time, OP. Is it worth making the head of year aware? Not to get the others into trouble but heads of year should know about friendship issues.

I remember Caitlin Moran wrote a brilliant piece in the Times about this. I’ll see if I can get a share token.

Why do we put girls through the horror of the school prom?

www.thetimes.com/article/48dc8393-ac32-44f6-ac90-47406120739e?shareToken=24559fc586c32000f01dcf1b43ffb647

Sadly yes the head of year is aware. We had bullying issues at the end of year 10 and we hoped things would calm down over summer. Unfortunately this was not the case and my daughter was dropped and now isolated from her friend group. They’re all sticking together and she’s on the outs. Thank you very much for the link, I will read now. It’s such a sad time for her, she really doesn’t deserve this. The teachers feel for her but now at a loss as to what they can do. She feels friend groups are now formed and of course the confidence has been knocked out of her too.

That article really resonated with me, I only said to my DD earlier when prom vines round if she decides she’s not going well do something special. I truely hope these mean girls who have put her through this get it back one day to feel how they’ve made my DD feel.

Poor kid. DD wasn't bullied, but never really found her group at secondary. She had a few people to hang around with at school, but as soon as they all left, that was it. They never kept in touch. I could tell she was down about it.
She did art at college and met two of the nicest friends you could meet. They've kept in touch constantly since leaving, and still meet up and chat online and by phone -they are both at uni now and DD is working (20 years old). So yes, it does happen!

Thank you for your reply, that gives me hope. My DD like most deserves nice friends as she’s so kind to everyone. Did your DD go to the prom? I think this is one of my main worries as she’d looked forward to that but now it seems literally as the above article says going alone or not at all.

No she didn't. It was during covid anyway, but they did have a smaller version that she chose not to go to. To be honest, she hasn't ever regretted that. She got to the stage of trying to be almost invisible and just getting through it. She was definitely sad during the last year, but college really helped that. Art is a subject she really loves, and she had a group of like minded people to hang around with and could be comfortable. I really hope with all my heart yours does too ❤️ I'm confident she will.

I just wanted to show solidarity. DD in yr 10, similar circumstances and I’m already fretting about prom. I’m thinking about booking a big fun family holiday over it just so we can avoid it. Honestly the stress of it all is affecting my social relationships as it’s all I can think about but I don’t want to talk about it. I keep thinking “this too shall pass”, but not soon enough…..

Have you thought about sorting out a martial arts class as it might help with confidence and give her the chance of new friends . ? With ref to the school have you looked into a fresh start at a new school possibly.

It’s awful isn’t it. I know what you mean about it affecting social interaction’s. I’ve cried lots over it and feel anxious in the day while she’s at school thinking about her. I hope things improve for your daughter. It’s such a sad situation and girls can be awful.

I discussed starting martial arts/karate classes this weekend with her, she’s having a think. Her confidence has been knocked so I can only gently encourage at this point.
I discussed changing school with her also at the beginning of year 11, she’s adamant she wants to remain in her current school for GCSE purposes. She’s academically bright and would worry about the HCSE curriculum of another school. I also mentioned this to her head of year who agreed avoid if we can.

How’s this week gone @LongtimeLurker2 ?

its been ok, the breaks are hard as it’s obvious she’s no one to be with so she keeps out of the way as to not be seen alone. How’s your DD been this week?

I didn't go to prom and I don't think about it. I was isolated during high school years and bullied by a many girls at an all girls. I found my people uni and social life, so bars. A few via my hobbies. These are honestly some of the best people I've ever know and we are close now for decades, all met around age 17/18. Trust these people with my life - closest bunch there are 9 of them, like give them my housekeys close.

I tell my girls (dd10 and dd8) that uni is where you find the real ones. You have to achieve good grades to get into uni, they don't let just anyone in. Which means that these people will be more preoccupied with higher education and have more brain power than stupid cliques in school atm.
I also simply tell them that these people won't be paying their bills or putting food on their table and truly it may be hard now but in the future if they continue their education at the rate they are now, they'll have many friends in their area of interest and these people tend to be quite relaxed type so it should be relatively peaceful.
Also that they have one person they truly need to be friends with, and that's themselves. The person in the mirror. That's the person they have to like the most and be besties with because in the next school there's a chance they'll find some good friends but their best friend is themselves.
I also spend every damn moment giving them my time and support and love if they want it reminding them that being solo or with family isn't sad, it's the best. That they can rely on me and most importantly, themselves. I make sure they have high expectations of the people around them. Mostly my youngest has issues because her class is a bit...special, but they're 9ish so what more can I say. My eldest does okay but fiercely independent which probably helps.

They both also have friends from the area they live and sports they do. So that's also a help but I read you have a tight schedule. So tell her it's temporary. It does get better as an adult. And she'll be an adult longer than she'll be a child. She won't care about that clique when she's paying her bills and living her life. She'll find her people, especially like minded in uni or other higher education/perhaps bars or in a hobby she does. Reassure that it does get better and focus on her being resilient and having self love.

I had a dreadful time in my last year or so of school. How I got through it and became who I am today was focusing on my own goals, putting all those people behind me, literally exiting that 'friend group' and creating a new one through a part time job and other social activities then went to college in the next town and made further new friends. I'm going back many years but this is all still relevant. We didn't have prom then but I didn't go to the leavers party, similar thing. I just used the last of that time at school to get the best grades I could manage to help me into college and onto a new chapter. Things will get better I promise, I'm living proof. I was horrifically bullied throughout year 10 and 11 but it has not defined me other than to make me very determined all my life to be as good as I can be.

Thank you for your replies, so good to hear things worked out for you. I’m counting the weeks until year 11 is over. Thankfully we are close and do have fun out of school together, my daughters also got a part time job now so she is meeting other people although not her age group. Our family life is good so that’s something.