Concerned friend is making a rod for her own back

[Hoodlumboodlum]

I will start by saying that I know that this is none of my business but I'm just a bit concerned for my friend so I thought I'd post and see if anyone had advice.

My friend's daughter is 6, she is 7 in a couple of weeks.

My friend is gentle parenting although I don't think she's officially calling it that.

90% of the time she won't sleep in her own bed and ends up in her parent's bed. They are exhausted after nearly 7 years of this (longer in reality as they have a older children too).

She won't settle for the night for anyone other than my friend so friend never gets to go out without child in the evening/night.

Child is extremely bossy but friend can't see this. Every aspect of the day is dictated to by child. This is exhausting. I look after her occasionally and it's non stop being told what to do.

Child has no close friends but is sociable so just goes from group to group never quite fitting in. Probably due to bossiness. She's very, very young for her age e.g. wanting constant carrying, still watching toddler cartoons, constant snacks etc. She won't allow any of her toddler toys to be given away so their house is so full of toys, it's crazy. By this age, other children I know are far more independent and all the better for it. It's good for children to have love and care but not to be constantly indulged.

She's starting to fall behind at school despite being very bright. She just doesn't want to learn to read etc. No wonder when life is full of toys, clubs, lovely holidays, constant snacks, constant days out...

I know this isn't anything to do with me but I do worry about my friend, her relationship with her husband and her relationship with her other child as his sister seems much more indulged than him.

Do I just butt out or do I gently mention some of these concerns?

Likely your friend can see it and has tried but given up when things get tough. Like you say it’s none of your business

No good will come from you sticking your oar in.

I’d just decline when asked to look after her.

Tricky kids are exhausting, be a good friend by not judging.

How do you cope when you have her? Do you let her dictate or do you take charge? Just curious. It would benefit her to know that not all parents are like hers. Do you tell her DM that she's been telling you want to do all the time? That might be a way to open up a conversation about it.

My sil parents in a similar way. Her son is now 7 and my children (DDs age 12 and 6) hate having to visit him.

They get bored and annoyed with his bossing around and hate not being able to do anything because he just cries if hes not in charge.

My MIL doesn't help. When hes not there, she's good at making sure the girls take it in turns to find tv shows they like, games they want to play, but when hes there also, its what he wants and what he wants to play. The 12 year old gets so bored because she doesn't want to sit and watch a million episodes of in the night garden.

On the last visit they were the only two in the lounge so put on gladiators pranks on iplayer and it caused WW3 as nephew just screamed the place down and demanded they change it.

Yeah it sounds exhausting and she’s not doing the kid any favours. Does she have ND or suspected? What are the other kids in the family like? I would also try to be busy if she wanted me to look after her. Sounds hard work.

I bet in a few years time she'll have had an assessment for ASD. Girls with ASD are tricky and they often look the way you are describing at this age. You could have been describing my now 16 year old. She wouldn't learn to read. Nothing to do with lovely alternatives. She just didn't want to get it wrong so she wouldn't try. She's really bright. She just has ASD (as well as ADHD and OCD).

I'd stay out of it. No parent likes being criticised.

Yep.

• struggles socially
• can’t self regulate
• Collecting/hoarding
• Watching TV shows young for her age
• struggles with reciprocity
• struggles academically

The kid sounds a nightmare. She needs boundaries but it sounds like it’s too late.

Well I'm going against the grain here by saying I witnessed my friend's child being pandered to (being carried on a walk aged 6 because she was whining etc). I never said a word.

She's a delightful young person now with a great social life and career.

It's 💯 per cent up to your friend how she treats her child - unless she was totally horrible of course.

I wouldn't say a word. What I would do though, is stop play dates round your house when the mum is also there. She'll soon be old enough to be dropped off, and once you have her without mummy, you can tell her what the rules are in your house.😁

You seem to have decided that the parenting has caused the child's problems, but it could also be a response to those difficulties. My youngest, now 16, has various problems for which there is no definitive diagnosis. She co-slept till 10, used a dummy till 6. Emotionally and behaviourally, she was always behind her peers though looked much older. She always needed very intensive parenting, lots of cuddles and closeness and reassurance.

I got judged, really judged, by family and friends. And no doubt I made many mistakes and missed opportunities to build her resilience. I was rather floundering and could have used some more informed advice and support.

All I knew was that the 'normal' parenting that had worked for dd1 didnt touch the sides for dd2.

More fool her, but I’d just stay out of it, and don’t babysit if asked.

There are lots of flags for autism there. Bossiness, very young, edge of friendship groups, won’t separate or settle for others…

Be a good friend and support your friend. Don’t judge her. I’d wager she is doing her best with an undiagnosed autistic child and just getting through as best she can rather than making a rod for her back.

There are just as many flags for 'spoilt little madam who's never been told no' syndrome.