Tips for the tween/teen years

[Chairchairchairchair]

My eldest DS is 11 and started secondary school in September. He was always a very chilled out child (and even one of those rare toddlers who rarely had tantrums 🤣) but I am noticing more and more that he is emotional/wants to argue/gets upset quickly more and more. And I've realised (maybe because he was such a calm toddler/child!) I've got no decent strategies to help when he does get angry or upset.

Sometimes I find myself reacting with anger, which I KNOW isn't helpful - so please, I'm after any and all tips you have for dealing with tweens/teens? Ways to deal with strong emotions? How much you get involved in friendship stuff? (He has a friend who has a tendency to be more of a frenemy but whenever I raise the subject he bites my head off and insists all is fine.) Do I just need to step back more? Help!

Make sure they have healthy (but attractive) snacks available, and plenty of sleep.

Accept you can't control their friends. But do t be scared of being the bad guy... but at the same time let them have freedom. (Constant juggling!)

I’m the same with my dd11 since starting secondary. The only things that have helped upto now are earlier lights out (she has to get up earlier now) and eating dinner earlier.

Sleep, food, exercise and screen time are the things to get a handle on. Then you know the other stuff is genuine and you work with that.
keep hugging them too.

Adjusting to a new school is always hard and he's prob v tired.
I agree with lots of food and good rest.
Boys tend to get a testosterone surge at around 11 and their bodies don't always know what to do with it. It will settle down.
In terms of his anger or upset, you really shouldn't mirror his emotions. Its v hard but it's best to stay calm and say v neutral things. Or nothing at all. Something like ' I can see you are upset, thats tough, I am here to talk if you want to'

Do have boundaries around certain behaviours (physical aggression or whatever is a total no for you) and be very consistent..
The basis of parenting teens, in my opinion, is choosing your battles, not sweating the small stuff, being cast iron in your non negotiables, making sure they eat enough esp in puberty they need so much food) and a good sleep routine (no screens in rooms/ and hour or so before bed), plus making sure they know you are available for support but not prying into issues, let them bring them to you. Basically like having toddlers again, but with the emotional stuff on top!
It is easier to write this than do it. But it is the aim. Of course I snapped and got irritated by them, but these were my ideals!

Thank you all so much! Interesting to see stuff like food and sleep coming up repeatedly - I have noticed he is needing way more sleep than he used to and is always starving! And @Namechangedasouting987 thanks so much for the teen advice - that all makes so much sense, especially the not prying into things but letting him know he can come to me. I think I'm so used to knowing everything about his life that it's an adjustment to him having more privacy/his own life (which he absolutely should, of course!)