Sons friends never return play dates

[Jesswebster01]

I have 2 kids one son 7 one daughter 8 they okay well together. My daughter has a friend that lives round the corner we take turns each week having her round then she goes there most of the time more than once a week. She also has another friend we do the same with. My sons friends in school I have Invited at least 5 have never returned the favour. They say oh he will have to come play next time but never ask. I've had some of them about 2 times and never had an Invite back. He also goes football but his football friends don't live too close so would be harder to have them. Just feel a bit tight on him his sister is always off to her friends and none if his friends Invite him 🥲 just venting really.

I hated doing play dates. I did reciprocate but was counting down until they went home. What position are the other parents in - are they working or WFH?

Few different ones. One of them is a close friend and goes the pub work her partner or the gym when I have her child said again oh we will have you son soon never has. Another said they would have my son over in the 6 weeks never happened and they are off for the school holidays. Another one also has time as they have another child and work day time so off weekends. I don't expect it all the time but some of them I've had about 5 times and they haven't asked once for my son to go then he asks me can he go to their house.

I never used to reciprocate play dates because I was in an abusive relationship and he used to hate other kids being there. I couldn’t explain to people and always felt awful.
now he’s gone I have the kids friends over all the time.

I have always tried hard to facilitate play dates for my girls and through 12 years we’ve been doing it the reciprocation has been sporadic.
There are a multitude of reasons as to why some families might find it hard to have other peoples kids over. And we are very lucky that I have the space, finances, time and experience to do this confidently.
I decided a long time ago to stop paying attention to who had been where. I decided that I was doing this because it made my children happy and helped grow their friendships. I like to be the mum that can say ‘yes’ a lot of the time!

I did loads of play dates for dd, but don’t for ds because I’m too busy now running dd to activities and generally doing all the other stuff I need to catch up on. My perception actually is that boys don’t do as many play dates as girls. Ds has lots of friends and none of them seem to do play dates with each other either.

We host many, many more play dates than my kids go to. I don’t know all the reasons for this but I’m happy to have a houseful and I just assume I don’t need to push other people to do something they don’t want to whatever the background. My kids love having their friends round so I’m hoping this continues as they’re older and I see more of them!

So your son doesn’t get playdates because you’re too busy with his sister? He could perhaps see it that way. That’s a shame. How would you know how many play dates boys in general have, if your son doesn’t participate? My 2 boys have lots of play dates - in fact, 5 between them over the last 2 weekends.

OP, I tend to just suck up the non-reciprocating. People are busy. I’d rather my kids have friends round than never see their friends outside of school (a lot of DS1’s friends go to a different school anyway).

We were in this boat too. Lots of kids came to ours to play/have lunch/have dinner/sleepover. Not much of it was reciprocated. In some cases there were clearly good reasons- the parents were busier than I was or the home was very small with lots of children etc. In some cases I think the parents were just CFs who were quite happy for other people to look after and feed their children on a regular basis without ever returning the favour. I felt a bit sad for my kids who didn’t often get the chance to go to someone else’s home which can feel like an exciting treat when you’re little! But I couldn’t do anything about it so we just continued to welcome their friends over the years. Obviously we would say no if we were busy or it wasn’t convenient but we mostly said yes and our kids had some good friendships as a result.

Similar situ with my son, I don’t host that many but try to keep his little social life going and it has been generally one-sided. Don’t know why but comforting it’s not just us!!

We tend to host, DD is an only. Her two best friends both have 2 siblings each, one renovating a house. I prefer her to play here though so it’s fine by me!

My son has way more play dates than my daughter - he’s much more social. So I don’t think it’s gendered but it obviously is kid dependent. My daughter needs her down time and my son would happily have friends round 24-7

See they aren't even hard work that's why I don't mind doing them they tend to just play in the garden for ages then go play in his room and I do their tea. All the friends who have been Invited don't have younger siblings and it seems alot of them just can't be bothered but all will say oh you will have to come to see next time but never do. They seem happy to accept all the time if that was me I'd at least do one return.

Dd had this, same child round to play with Gdd time after time, never once invited back.

Eventually Dd asked the other mother why not. Basically she just shrugged and said she couldn’t be bothered.

Should add that dd has two other younger DCs, works long hours from home and is always busy with DCs’ many activities, as well as everything else. She once told me that she had FOUR boys round to play with Gds, maybe 7 at the time, so I was 😱 - but she said it was easy, since they amused themselves (albeit noisily!) and Gds wasn’t complaining that he was bored.

Wow.

Do you really not see how this comes across?

i don’t do play dates and my girls are 11 and 8. Call me overprotective but I don’t agree with letting my kids go to strangers houses, too many weirdos in the world. Just because you see someone everyday doesn’t mean you know them fully to be in charge of your kid. Plus if I’m honest I don’t like other people’s children and can’t pretend to do so. But I will meet up to go park or trampoline parks etc

Stop tally keeping. If your child is having fun all you need to think about.

My son has never had a play date at someone else's house. I've had some of his friends over 5-10 times but haven't offered for a while because it just feels like people are taking the piss. I think it's because he's ND and people aren't sure how to handle him (although all of these parents suspect their kids are also ND and are happy to send them to me whilst they get a few hours break!)

I have four DC and life is busy that's why I hardly reciprocate. I get stressed easily too, but there are a multitude of reasons. They have loads of extra curricular classes during term time too.

For me play dates must be reciprocal, otherwise I might as well take up childminding. So I wouldn't offer to host if you aren't getting the invites back. But generally I prefer play dates in venues like soft play or a park, I don't like the imbalance if you are at someone's house playing with their toys, I find kids are either precious about their toys and don't share or they show them off and boast. I think extracurriculars with friends is a better use of time than kids hanging around watching videos with the parent in another room.

My place is constantly a mess. It's small, it's quite cramped (we are looking to move). I've got 3 kids and a full time job. I very rarely reciprocate but I do happily meet other mums with my kids in the park or do stuff with them like that but my heart sinks when my children get an invite to a play date because I hate the pressure to reciprocate.

We’ve hosted way more play dates over the years than my kids have been invited to. Whilst yes-I do it for my kids and not for the reciprocity-personally I wouldn’t accept a play date unless I was prepared to offer one in return once in a while. Doesn’t even have to be anywhere near as often as I know people have different circumstances, but I think they should show willing sometimes if they’re happy to accept invitations. . Like I say though, I’ll continue because my kids like it.

I'm a lone parent of a lone child, work full time, no family support and I do somewhat resent it when playdates are not reciprocated as I'm in dire need of the break tbh. I wouldn't restrict playdates because of it but I think it's poor form.

I'm glad to know it's not just me I agree you shouldn't keep accepting if your not prepared to return at least once. Some of the parents are just taking the piss and im basically childminding. I normally always take them the park aswel do their tea even if they just asked if they could take my son the park with them for an hour but nothing.