No playdates.

[NCNC71624]

Hi all,

Firstly apologies for the length! I didn't want to drip feed.

My son is in year 1. He is a lovely kind boy.
At his parents evening in reception the teacher told me that all had to write about a friend and a lot chose him. I'm only saying that because he has a lot of friends so I don't think his behaviour is the problem. He plays with them while waiting to go into school etc.

Now here's my issue. I am friendly with some of the mums on the school run especially those that my son is very friendly with their child(ren). we have a group Whatsapp etc.

I've been invited to a group of mums sort of like a night out, they all seem lovely and friendly. I make an effort to go even though I don't drink, just to 'put myself out there'.

I've invited some of my sons friends over via speaking to their mum/dad. My son asked for them to come but the parents always say yes and then it never happens because they make an excuse. And I don't feel it right to keep asking and asking? maybe I should?

Today I walked past some of the mums and they were talking about a playdate. They didn't even acknowledge me, I always make an effort to say 'Hi' if I see them and honestly it's quite upsetting because my son has asked for XYZ to come over and they don't. I've offered park meet ups incase it's that they don't want to come to the house but yet another excuse.

The only thing I can think of is we don't attend every single party? We can't, I have limited childcare for my youngest and the parties aren't always suitable/she isn't invited which is understandable! But basically it's not possible to go to every one. But I notice when we do no one talks to me. My son plays happily with others at the parties but I am ignored. It's just horrible experience. It seems very mean spirited.

Help? How have you navigated this? I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I don't want my son to miss out.

• I should add that some of the parents have mentioned to me that 'all 'bob' says is he played with 'paul' (my son), all 'bob' does is talk about 'paul' and they say it almost as a frustration??

It could be for loads of different reasons. It’s the start of yr1 which is a very difficult year, my year 1 child is exhausted and need more down time. Parents don’t want to stay and you didn’t offer drop off, parents want to stay and you didn’t offer it, you have a big dog, they have too much on.

How are you arranging them? Are you messaging individuals and asking them when they are avaliable?

Are being specific enough when you invite for playdates? It’s a bit like when adults say ‘let’s catch up soon’ and then inevitably never do. As you probably know yourself things actually happen when someone actually suggests a place and date. ‘Would Jack like to come round for a play after school next Thursday? I can collect after school if you can pick up from ours at around 6’ is much more likely to get a positive response than ‘Would Jack like a playdate sometime soon, you’d be welcome too, or we could meet in the park’ which might get a yes that’d be lovely but you’re no closer to actually arranging anything and with life etc. it slips by the wayside even if intentions are good.

(edited for typo)

Well mostly I speak to them directly, face to face.

But over summer we had lots of 'yes we'll arrange something ' and then I ask when they're free and often they take a while to reply and then give an excuse. This was over the holidays via Whatsapp. And I assumed lots of people had time then.

@Bitzee I've certainly used the word playdate and then they say they'll message me or get back to me and don't. And I'm not sure if I should chase them?

If you didn’t talk to others at parties, people probably assume (rightly or wrongly) that you aren’t friendly or don’t like them or don’t want to socialise.

That said, mine is in Y2 and very well liked, and has probably had 4 play dates ever. I think COVID very much changed things. My dd (now in secondary) used to have loads of play dates. I don’t find it’s the same with ds. Or maybe it’s not the same with boys. I don’t know. People don’t really do them much in this age group.

For a lot of parents, I think it’s because one or both of them are wfh after school, so can’t facilitate it - even if one is a SAHP, the other will be having Teams meetings and can’t do screaming play date in the background. For us, in addition, we have a lot of running around to do. I have a child in sports training 9 hours a week after school a 15 minute drive away. I can’t do a play date because I’m not home, nor can I reliably collect from one at say 5pm.

All that said, have you approached Henry who he really gets on with and asked his parents if Henry wants to come over after school on Monday at 3:30pm and you’ll drop him back at 5:30? You need to be direct and offer firm plans. If Henry has swimming that day, say what about Wednesday?

the holidays are really hard if you work - I have to plan my childcare for the full 6 weeks and it's really hard to slot in playdates. Being brutally honest I don't want to do playdates in my precious annual leave - so I suspect you might have had a bit of that.

I also think people probably have less play dates than you think. A school mum was saying to me that her child never gets invited and yet when I asked, it turned out her child had had about 3 or 4 over the time in which mine had had none! I don't organise play dates as I work full time and I know my kids would love it but I just cant fit them in - I bet loads of people are in the same boat.

You need to mesaage them so they can work out the logistics. Lots of people will have more than one child, evening activities, work and if their lucky their own social lives. Just mesaage them and ask when if good for them.

Thank you for the advice @Cakeandslippers @mindutopia

Perhaps the issue is I'm inviting parents too? My friend who has a child a year older said at first they come to the playdate but perhaps I just need to invite the friend?

Apologies if this seems silly. This is my first child in school and I feel like a fish out of water!

Not so much the word playdate but are you actually suggesting a specific place, date and time not just being open ended… If you’re putting the onus on them to come back with times and ideas then that might explain why they’re not rushing to get back to you. They probably have every intention of doing so, then just forget because life is busy. Especially if it’s the holidays and they work so they’re juggling ad-hoc childcare around work for multiple kids.

IME after school where you collect so it’s not any effort for the other parent is received more positively and also better if you suggest specific day(s) when you invite so they can instantly reply yes or no and then it’s (hopefully!) sorted in one message.

I wouldn’t invite parents in Y1 no. That might also be the issue.

I would say feel free to drop off but you’re welcome to drop in for a cuppa or stay the whole time.

You’re being too vague in your communication. I just used to say ‘ does xx want to come Saturday morning and play with xx for a few hours, I’ll give them lunch.’ Or ‘I’m taking xx to the park After school tomorrow, if it’s ok with you I can pick xx up from school at the same time, take them both to the park then home for tea and you can pick up at 6.30ish.’

If you just float the vague idea of a future play date then you’ll get a vague response back.

Not on the mainland so correct me if I'm wrong but I'm guessing year 1 is about 5/6 yo? I think for a 5/6 yo I still wouldn't be massively happy leaving them independently at a house of someone I don't know well. And I would prefer to stay or meet together at a neutral place. I guess this just highlights how preferences can be so varied. I think op, life is often very busy, ds is only coming 3 but by the time we've got through the week and then he has a little sports session at the weekend, I'm really looking forward to having some time with him and I like to use our weekends to go meet my friends and their kids or take ds away for a run in the car for the day, never mind the messages etc that I can't get done in the week. Then you add in birthdays etc and it just becomes hectic.

So it may not be that you are doing anything wrong at all!

This

I think this is a good way of putting it. Thank you @Teachingagain

I’d suggest a play date straight after school and say you happy to collect from school.