If you have DC and your husband travels for work how do you manage emotionally?

[halloweeeen]

My DH travels internationally for work mid-week quite a lot, and it’s been ramping up which I’m not happy about but we have to suck it up for now.

We have a 5yo DS who really misses him when he’s away and has become quite subdued midweek before and after school. DH is is usually back by Friday after school but not always.

I am the main caregiver due to my hours being easier and Ike many mums I end up doing all the organising, school arrangements, planning etc and I’m the one who keeps the routine ticking along. I feel like this makes me the “boring parent” and his Dad the fun one who returns just in time for the weekend. I try to flip that by playing with DS as much as we can fit in during the week, but ofc he’s tired after school and he’s hangry / grumpy etc - a typical 5yo.

I am worried my son is living for the weekends when his Dad will be back. It’s not nice feeling he’s not belly laughed all week and feeling that’s my fault. But we have reading logs, clubs, meals and bathtimes etc.

He’s our only child and we don’t have grandparents or wider family around. I feel like DS is at a stage where male role models are really important.

Has anyone who’s experienced similar got any tips on how to manage this set up better to support DS emotionally?

My DH worked away during the week when our children were small - we have 5 sons. I had to be very organised and it's a lot to manage by yourself - I could handle the day to day stuff but there were obviously times when I wished he was around more (when the children were sick, when we had rats under the floorboards, old cooker leaking gas and had to be cut off etc) But it did make me very self-sufficient!

I don't think the kids were upset about him being away - it was their normal and during the week they were busy with school, after school activities and having friends round to play and for tea. They did love having him home at weekends and I was happy to let him play and have fun with him while I snatched a few hours for myself!

Can you carve out a bit of after school time for fun with your little one? Playing in the park, having friends round to play, splashy bathtimes with lots of play, cuddles and stories in bed. I know sometimes it feels like the daily grind with school & work during the week but you have to grab the opportunity for fun whenever you can, even if it's just a short time in the day.

Thank you. Yes I think the lack of fun is hard! I work so DS does after school club 4 x a week. This means we get home around 5.15/5.30 so not much time left till bathtime and he is usually tired and just wants to eat and watch cartoons. I’m happy to let him as he’s been at school all day so all I can do is sit and cuddle him. (I try not to do chores then as otherwise I won’t spend any time with him).

I think you’re maybe overthinking all of this. His dad isn’t there a few nights a week, but is around most days and otherwise very engaged. It seems like maybe you’re conflating boring after school hours with not wanting to be around just you. Wednesday/Thursday evenings are boring! They’re tired. You’re tired. This is normal. I don’t think it’s because Dh isn’t there on those nights. Who doesn’t want to live for the weekend?

If you feel like you’re in a slump though, why not plan something for those nights? Make Wednesday picnic at the playground night where you pack a little snack box and play at the park until time for bathtime. Or you get fish and chips every week (that’s probably excessive, but think of a similar midweek treat). Or book him in for Beavers or karate or something he really enjoys every Thursday. Or you go swimming together. Just make it something more special to look forward to doing just the two of you. Or make that the day you invite a friend over every week.

That said, I think chilling at home watching tv is perfectly normal. It’s what my youngest does midweek. They’re tired and need downtime and it isn’t always fun. I also wouldn’t feel like you can’t do housework on those days. Even when Dh or I are away, the other still gets on with everything at home. Kids don’t need constant entertainment. It’s quality over quantity.

DS and I managed well and DS didn’t really miss DH that much, I suppose he was just used to it.

Agree about having fun to distract DS, hopeful the school friends and other activities will help.

If I’m being brutally honest I rather miss DH being away quite a lot …😬

I am the one that works away in this scenario and my DH is the one that does everything else. My DS is used to it now so it doesn't bother him at all. We Facetime when I am not there, he's excited for my return and draws me pictures etc for when I get back but generally he's having too much fun with his dad to be that bothered.

I also don't see the big deal with needing to be 'fun'. If he's tired and wants to just veg then let him? What's the issue? He'd surely be the same if your DH was there.

I’m the travelling parent in this scenario and it’s DH who has to keep everything running while I’m away. I’ve been away midweek once a month for the last 4 months. DH basically just does what he needs to do to keep things ticking over while I’m away. Our DD knows that she has to be a bit more independent and play on her own etc… when DH is solo parenting as he’s busy with dinner and so on.

DD does miss me when I’m away but most of the time is fine with it as I’ve been travelling since she was 18 months. I think it’s fine to have low-
demand weeks and fun weekends. We still make sure we do things as a family but I will take more of the parenting on at the weekend to give DH a bit of a break when I’ve been travelling in the week but I don’t think DD sees me as the fun parent particularly. Maybe because when I am not travelling I do most of the day to day stuff like getting ready in the morning, school runs, bath time, teeth and so on so she gets plenty of boring stuff with me too. Maybe that’s a thought when your DH isn’t travelling to make sure he also does the mundane stuff as much as possible.

Thanks for all the comments. I am generally the cook and the washerwoman of the house so it probably reinforces the boring thing. Just how things have worked out with our jobs. DH goes away Monday morning and is back Friday. He has never picked DS up from school and made his tea.

I don’t think we’ve time to do proper activities mid week as DS won’t get home till 5.15/5.30 - hence tiredness and TV. I am also struggling to implement the schools required daily reading time as he is too grumpy in the evenings and only wants to be read to, and in the mornings he is keen to play and do other things.