Total life overhaul needed. Ideas please?

[Secondhalfoflife]

I'm 56. Lost both parents recently. Did all the admin and sorting myself with no real help from sibling. Have inherited a decent chunk of money. The only thing I'd like to do is to move to a small country cottage and spend my days gardening with a rescue dog and maybe chickens. Unfortunately I live in an expensive area so that's probably not doable. I could move to a different part of the country but I wouldn't want to be far from DS. He currently lives at home. DH retired. I've never moved out of my home town (lived at home for uni,). I'm a science writer and work from home.

I spend way too much time online. Mostly YouTube and Mumsnet to take my mind off things. I find myself getting stressed about reading shit online from total strangers. It's ridiculous.

I'm rambling. But I feel lost with no purpose. I'm just the person that arranged everything, thinks for everyone, and cooks the meals. DS was my world for the last 21 years but now I'm just lost.

I’m sorry to hear about your parents. Is there anything you’ve ever fancied doing or trying that you could do now? What you describe about the cottage and gardening sounds to me as though that’s something that anchors you. Whenever I’m really down and have nowhere to put love I find myself spending hours in the garden, tending and growing things, trying to make something beautiful. Do you have a garden you could create as though it belonged to a cottage? Maybe start with trying little things that take your fancy where you don’t have to commit and see how it goes. Are you re-evaluating other things or are you trying to find some direction or solid ground? Could this be grief or some hollowness you are trying to fill, are you emotionally numb or empty? Do you have any little everyday rituals that help centre you? So many Qs sorry, I’m asking as these may be things to ask yourself rather than say out loud as it may help focus your thoughts as to any next steps. It might be worth looking into a cottage in the country just to indulge that yearn and see where it takes you. If it’s not practical maybe some time away in such a cottage may help? It sounds as though you’ve been ‘the responsible one’ and now it’s your time to explore what makes you happy and fulfills you, it might be a gradual process in discovering what nurtures you and that’s ok, there’s no rush and you may find what gives you what you need is completely different to what you thought but you savoured and enjoyed having the freedom to find out.

Thank you for your feedback. Yes i feel like I have no purpose now. My garden is my sanctuary even though it's on a housing estate.

How far would you need to move to get your cottage? Does your son still live at home? Would moving somewhere more remote solve your problems, you sound a little lonely.

I've always felt alone. Even when I had friends. Id have to go a few hundred miles. I'm on south coast. DS still lives at home but he's planning on buying house in 1-2 years.

If I were you, I’d take a 2 weeks holiday on my own. Take some books, a notepad, a couple of swimming costumes.
Every morning go for a swim, come back and get some breakfast, and just take some time to look at yourself. How tired are you? How dry are your hands? Do you want coffee or tea in the morning? Do you need a nap? Do you think dropping one day a week would free some time to do a Pilates class in the morning? Do you keep the same hairdresser, or do you want to try somewhere new? Do you need new underwear? Do you want to see more of your best friends? Would a girls city break to a Christmas market be on the cards? Do you lift the dahlia bulbs this year, or do you want to experiment and leave a couple in the ground? Is your cosy blanket not so cosy anymore, do you get a new one? Do you want to see a counsellor for a few months so you can mull things over? Are painted toenails in winter something you should have, would it make it easier in the summer when we jump from boots to flip flops?

Basically, 2 weeks of just asking yourself basic questions. The rule is you’re not allowed to ask yourself questions about your DH, marriage, son, parents…just you.

Age 50, with a divorce under my belt and DD having moved out, I had absolutely no idea who I was one of a sudden. I realised I don’t even stop to think if I’ll be too hot in a jumper, I just put it on and got out. I couldn’t tell you what emotions I was feeling.
You are on HRT, aren’t you?

Sounds so exciting OP! I love a life overhaul.

The only thing I'd like to do is to move to a small country cottage and spend my days gardening with a rescue dog and maybe chickens. Unfortunately I live in an expensive area so that's probably not doable.

If you live in an expensive area, that’s great, sell up and move somewhere cheaper but prettier? Get the dog and chickens. DH doesn’t have work ties. I’d personally advise making sure there’s lots of community around - reading your OP it struck me that you need to get out into the real world more.

I agree with the posters above, do you drive? There are some fab holiday rentals character cottages are one, they discount a fair bit if you book last minute especially this time of year.
Some time on your own with a good book in lovely surroundings will do you the world of good.

I’m exactly your age and my son is your son’s age. I’m also feeling some disconnection, though in my case I’m experiencing it quite positively. I’m disconnected from some things but connecting to others. My dad died 6 years ago, my mum is still alive but tbh I feel I lost her 4 years ago, I will be glad when her current ‘life’ is over. Losing your parents is a big life stage though. I’m also adjusting to my huge ranks of aunts, uncles annd in-laws almost all being dead. I experienced them all as critical of me and my life, that I could never live up to them. Now they are almost all gone and the criticism has finally ended.

I also feel a bit worried that your urge is to isolate yourself even further. That sounds possibly a negative route.

I wonder about sharing your love of nature more. A U3a garden group, or with more challenge a guerilla gardening group to rewild your housing estate a bit more? Or volunteer to garden with a group at the local primary school? Or join the British Trust for Conservation Volunteers?

I will say that I’m not doing any of this at the moment. I’m finding work as challenging as I ever did, and am much more tired. I’m in a new relationship of 5 years and that has been a huge change for me, almost all positive. I do make efforts to stay connected with friends and that really pays off in contentment. I hope you find a way forward.

great idea

remember not everything has to happen at once - you could plan to move somewhere nicer in a few years for example.

there is a standard sort of list - some thing volunteering , something exercise, something social and something learning

you could just pick random things from each category for a few months to see what you like - if leaning Spanish doesn’t work try a guitar

and perhaps a personal overhaul - examine your exercise and diet and get them sorted so that when you do know what you are doing next you are in the best shape

possibly also time to work with your DH on this - what brought you together in the first place ?

Invest in psychotherapy, OP. It will be the greatest gift you could possibly ever give yourself. When you have sorted out your head and heart the answers to the rest of it all will follow.

After my mum died (my only relative living in UK as db moved overseas), a friend said, “don’t make any sudden major decisions, a close bereavement is a huge thing and you may feel like you need to do something huge in recognition or response, but in my experience it’s better to let things ride for a while.”

In hindsight she was right. I felt like my whole life need something - I didn’t know what. Some days I wanted to change career, then move house or buy a holiday home, travel.

But what I really needed to do was grieve.

Five years later, I’m still not back to my old self but I feel much better. I planted roses in my garden because my mum loved them. I made a big effort to make new friends. I took up yoga and hiking.

This is absolutely excellent advice.

You sounds utterly lost in your post. Find happiness and peace within yourself before you make external changes which will only ever be a temporary distraction.

I will add that if you do get psychotherapy, find a good one. Someone who's trained as an analyst with the Tavi, or Northern school, or similar. Someone who's had their own analysis and has ongoing supervision.

And encourage your DH to have therapy too. If you grow and he doesn't, you may find yourself unwilling to put up with him

The "county cottage" is a red herring. It is an image of a certain lifestyle. A fantasy. If you did move to such a cottage, you would find that life did not turn out as you imagined it would.
There are loads of real-life drawbacks, such as isolation, transport, etc., (as well as moving hundreds of miles away).

You already have a garden - is it big enough? Could you get an allotment as well? Or offer to regularly do the garden for an elderly person nearby?

Is there anything stopping you getting chickens in your current garden?
Is there anything stopping you getting a rescue dog now?
Or are the chickens and dog just part of the fantasy image?

Where is your husband in this fantasy of the country cottage? Is he in the garden with you? (Does he do any gardening now?) Is he in the house? Or is he absent?

You are grieving your recent loss of your parents. Don't make any big changes for about 3 years - set yourself this firm rule. Spend the next 3 years "finding yourself" again. Who were you before you had DS?

After 3 years, you can reconsider and make plans with DH (or without him?) for the next decades of your life.

I would do the move. If you drive you would be surprised how even an hour drive away the costs of houses come down from high end places. Do it. You won’t regret it and if u do, just move back. And don’t get one rescue dog, get two. And a couple of cats.

I wouldn't make a massive move either now as it sounds less about where you live and more about how you spend your time. However, I would try lots of new things.

As a poster said upthread, a bit of new exercise, new socialising, new outdoor activities, new things to look after yourself, new creativity. These can be small such as trying a new healthy recipe, growing something new in your garden, walking an extra mile a day or similar. Over time you will drop lots of these but some will be what you enjoy, but the habit of trying new things keeps you out of a rut and gives you a purpose.