Please help me to be a less shouty and more reasonable mum

[orangedrizzle]

I have 3 DC ages 6,4 and 2. I am finding them such hard work and I really can’t continue like this. I feel like I am always shouting at them, telling them off and I can’t keep my cool with them. It’s horrible. I hate myself.

They are constantly arguing, being physical, throwing tantrums.. it’s just relentless. I am at breaking point and sometimes I think they’d be better off if I wasn’t here at all.

Schools runs are stressful, time at home is stressful, out at the park is stressful. I can’t cope anymore.

Youngest 2! That's hard ages but every day it gets better I promise. 2 becomes 3, 4..it will ease. Know even when you are feeling stuck it is moving towards easier days where you will look.back & go that was tough & I'm loving it now.
In the meantime definitely lean on some support, a good friend, partner do more, family. If there isn't anyone to just help look into Home start & a volunteer to come help you a few mornings afternoons a week. My mum used to volunteer. Didn't help me much ha ha but I used to think how lucky the Mum was she supported. She would sit with them, while she did bits work, take over crafts, help supermarket runs.
Any playgroups, breakfast clubs. Is the 2 year old in nursery any days. Also you can still speak to your HV and ask about any support you can access like 2 mornings at a nursery or any good groups for mums in similar situation.
The shouty stage will pass. I actually found the softer I spoke they moved forward quicker but don't berate yourself if that's how you are getting through. I'm sure it's reasonable Mum 'shouty'. Try say from this time I will consciously try to do one hour calmer voice if that will make you feel you can try different approach just to give you a rest. Above all pick your battles. Let 60% go, the 40% of battles fine. But if they want mismatched leggings to shoes...who cares, they are happy & safe. Have snacks in the car & accept your car will be bit crumby in this period.
I was so against lollipops, general sugar & I started taking them to the cinema where I would give them different lollies to make it through a film happy. I got a form of down time.
You can always put more boundaries or rules in as they grow but the most important happy mum. If that's not possible what can you do to make sure it's easier so you are content some days ,& coping others.
Sound like a great mum, just juggling that hard age & age gaps but it will be worth it. Hopefully others can give some more advice on how to help practically in the present.
There's also lots of counselling groups, chat groups you can go with children if you wanted a moan & extra support. PANDAS, Sunflower groups. Get them into a sport & let coach run them ragged on a Saturday morning then a lazy afternoon. Do what works. Xxx

It's hard op. But don't be too hard on yourself. What time do you have for yourself? Who is there to help?

Similar aged kids here - the only thing that works for me is to divide and conquer. Childcare/family help if available or even just separate rooms/spaces in the house.
Keeping them physically apart is key!

Have you followed a therapist called Claire Judd on instagram? She's brilliant on mum rage.

They absolutely could not ever be better off without you, please don't think that.

I genuinely researched getting a supernanny type character into my house to observe the chaos and my sort us all out but such a service didn't exist, not near me anyhow. I honestly thought I'd have some sort of breakdown. Then somewhere along the way, things improved just the teeniest bit. Life was hard but doable hard. Then it was OK, going through the motions. Now it's mostly pleasant, I'm sick of domestic work but kids get on with their lives and we all stumble along with lots of good moments on the way.

i feel you. mine are 4, 2 and 1 and i sometimes feel like they’d be better off without me because i flip my lid and hate myself for it

I found this book really helpful- how to talk so little kids will listen- ages 2-7(Faber &King). Great ideas on how to deal with kids and keep your cool whilst getting them to do what you want. Great, practical advice. I keep returning to it.

@TFICoffeetime what a lovely thing for your mum to do. Thanks for your response. Youngest is in nursery when I’m at work and I’m hoping to get one day a week to myself. This might help. Completely get that speaking softly helps but I just feel like I have no control of myself. My self regulation is AWFUL and then I get so upset and angry with myself for shouting.

@NautilusLionfishmy DH is great but works long hours in a stressful job. We both work in education and it’s easy to run out of patience when you’re with kids all day every day. I have some family support but not much.

@Orchid2602the older two have such a love/hate relationship where they want to be with each other but get so aggressive. I agree that divide and conquer is the best tool though.

@Toadsrevisited will have a look!

@Dontlletmedownbrucesorry to hear you’ve been through similar. How old are yours now?

@cherryontopppthats what I do. I have so much rage at times and then I just cry for ages because I’ve shouted.

@Carolenaruathis book has been on my bookshelf for years. I will read it this weekend. Thanks for the reminder.

Nice to hear you've got some good things to consider. I think the day a week would really help. You can look forward to it. Definitely don't torture yourself that you feel a bit shouty. I'm sure 90% of Mums would love to be calmer but sometimes it's doing your best & not crucifying yourself in Mum guilt.
I hope you are feeling brighter & if days do get tough were you feel no point.. please chat to a nice HV, GP. No shame in feeling how you have and again common but would hate you too feel that low with no help.
All the best..time is a great healer. You will get your day a week & they will mature where they are less boisterous. Take care x

@orangedrizzle mine are teens and tweens now so I'm well out of that phase. One was extremely difficult and I see now be will have that difficult character for life (confrontational, argumentative) but with maturity has learned when to put a lid on it most of the time. Mostly we dealt with things by dividing up, separate eldest away from two youngest.

Can I recommend a book called 123 Magic. Its a technique and is very effective for reducing shouting. It involves holding up a number of fingers and after 3 strikes a consequence happens, removing toy/ turning TV off or whatever. This is done in silence. So as a parent you become powerful without ever raising your voice. It may help reduce stress for the kids, i don't know, maybe your shouting might not bother them, but you will feel better about yourself and that's just as important as the kids well being.

These ages/combination are really tough.

Agree the How To Talk books are good. There is also one called Siblings without Rivalry - that's part of the original series by Faber & Mazlish. The Faber who wrote the more recent Little Kids one is the OG Faber's daughter

There is also an amazing book that I always think is like therapy, it's called When Your Kids Push Your Buttons.

My difficulties self-regulating my emotions turned out to be ADHD - my other main symptoms were general disorganisation/lifelong difficulties with time management and just a general sort of utter despair because I can never see anything through in life at all and didn't understand why, with regular bouts of self-hatred due to this. Just in case any of that resonates at all.

It's also not hugely unlikely with kids of those age gaps that you're simply exhausted and burnt out. If the difficulties with emotion regulation are more recent it could just be this. Never underestimate stress.

And I also think if you find yourself getting ragey a lot you're probably not setting the boundary early enough or clearly enough. I like theteachermomma on Instagram at the moment, she usually has interesting things but she points out patterns like - do you let them have unlimited screen time and then have battles over getting them to turn it off after a reasonable amount of time/end up threatening to take it away as a punishment? It can help to start out with the expectation of no screen time and then it's offered in predictable, reasonable doses and only if certain behaviour expectations are met in the first place. Do you let them have freedom to run around when you're out and then you're running after them yelling and feeling like everyone is staring at you? It can help to not give them that freedom in the first place and then slowly let them have more as they prove they are responsible enough etc. (I thought about this sadly today as I had to chase my bolting 4yo around an underground tram station while my 7yo had a meltdown and was yelling at me and everyone stared )

Oh meant to add - when you're trying to stop shouting and reacting, it's really helpful to have something to replace it with, which is why things like 123 Magic work really well. I didn't like the book when I first read it because I found it too negative and focused on consequences, which I thought was unhelpful since I had read a lot of the HTT etc first, but I understand this more now.

Once you've successfully got out of the habit of the shouty reaction, you can move more towards the How To Talk type stuff. But there's not much point being (what DH used to point out about me) nice nice nice patient nice patient nice kind nice RAAAAAAAAAAAAGE. When you have nothing to fall back on you'll fall back on the rage. Give yourself something very calm and neutral to fall back on, then work on not having to fall back on it so much - if that's your overall aim anyway.

Reading your post was like looking back at myself. I felt like this when my eldest three kids were 5, 5 and 1, for about two years until the 1 year old was 3.

I rang my HV and asked for “help to make my home less shouty”. Pretty much your entire post. She was calm, and talked through why my house was shouty at particular times, and tried to give small ideas on how to shift things. TBH I don’t really recall any of the ideas helping, but just the validation of her understanding, agreeing the situation was hard, assuring me that my children would be fine …. just someone who understood helped me feel less unhinged and alone.

In my case, the shouting (from the kids first, which would trigger me) was about them being tired and/or bored while I was trying to do the essentials to move the day forward. Cooking dinner at 6pm after school/nursery pick up was a total nightmare - tired hungry kids while I’m trying to cook dinner and talk to them about their day because I missed them. Too many demands on everyone! I wish now that we’d eaten beans on toast in the lounge a lot more than proper dinners at the table.

This too shall pass. Be kind and patient with yourself.

It might be easier said than done at first, but to step away eg go to another room (the loo?!) before the emotion builds up.

There can be a sense of urgency, but often that’s just driven by emotion, like frustration. If they are not in actual danger in that moment, the urgency isn’t real and dealing with it like it is will only fuel the rage and ineffectiveness.

Pick your battles and when you have them.

3 DC will inevitably be a challenge to manage especially with personality conflicts.

More structured time (routines), more outdoor time (to let off steam).

A mindfulness app like Headspace just a few minutes a day for yourself can help with the day to day over time. They also have a lot of content for DC which could be helpful, especially for the older 2.

It might be good to speak to your GP, to get some counselling sessions to support you.