Sister is an alcoholic niece is affected

[sickofftheshit]

Long story short my sister is an alcoholic and has been the last few years, it’s only getting worse. She cannot work or hold a job down. She stays in bed most of the day. Can’t do any house work because of a “bad back”
She drinks as soon as she wakes up and continues I’m guessing until she passes out. Because she isn’t stumbling around the house she thinks it’s okay to be drinking in the AM. She says she is a functioning alcoholic. I disagree she is just an alcoholic because she is not functioning, she hasn’t got a job.
My niece hasn’t been in school the last 2 years due to EBSA. She needs Sen support, she is under cahms waiting to be assessed (her mum has missed approximately 3 appointments in the past for assessments)
Anyway, sister was arrested couple of weeks ago for attacking her bf, infront of niece. Social services are now involved again, my niece bless her didn’t lie for her mum like she has before and told them the truth, called her mums lies out while she was being spoken to by the social worker. So now we wait and see what their plan of action is.
I tried to talk to my sister last night, I was cautious as not to make her blow up, I tried to come across loving and supportive and said she needs to show the social worker she wants to stop drinking. I explained this is the second/third referral and they won’t be so easy to fool this time with her denial and lies about her drinking, minimising it. She’s Gona need to work with them etc. well I’m enemy number 1 again. I don’t understand. How could I say this stuff after she’s told me how stressed she is at the moment, there is a time and a place and today wasn’t it etc etc

Im just so sick of her and her attitude towards everything. It’s always someone else fault ! She drinks because she has such a bad life. Her anxiety means she needs to drink, she can’t cope, it’s nieces fault she’s in this mess as she wouldn’t stay in school so she couldn’t hold down a job. She is such a fucking victim and she takes everyone else’s problems and makes them her own to use it as an excuse to get pissed ! Sorry I just needed to vent as she really really winds me up.
I’ve tried to help her so much with getting niece back into school, she just cba !

You are right, she isn’t a functioning alcoholic just an alcoholic. Not that labels matter really. She is prioritising booze over her own child and it sounds like the consequences of that are about the catch up with her. Are you or other family able to take your niece in if it comes to that?

I understand your frustration. But you are trying to rationalise the behaviour of an addict which is completely pointless. Their behaviour isn’t reasonable because they are in the grips of addiction. Until your sister has a massive wake up call and actually decides she wants to change then there is nothing anyone can say to force her.

Your niece deserves better . Are you in a position to offer her sanctuary even temporarily ?

I would guess the end result will be that neice ends up on a child protection plan and sister will have to engage with an addiction service to help her become sober. If this doesn’t happen then niece will have to go elsewhere, either to family or care. Is there anyone that can have the niece.

Can you care for your niece? It looks like that's the way things are heading.

Make sure your niece knows about NACOA: www.nacoa.org.uk

They are excellent.

Blaming others is a key feature of alcoholism, apparently. I am also dealing with an alcoholic sibling, though thankfully no children are involved. No advice but I truly empathise.

I’ve gone nc with the alcoholics that were around me. I can stand the lies.

Does she really have a sore back and has been attending appointments (perhaps until they said they can’t do anything but pain management or whatever?) As the pain of that I can understand her hitting the bottle in desperation but she needs to try something else, if it’s that, which I doubt as she’s blaming stress latterly…

Can you take your niece in?

Niece has support, myself, my mum, her brother. Sister has made her think she’ll be carted off to a foster home in the past which is why niece has covered for her. But she’s turned 16 and realised it doesn’t work like that when you have family around you.

She refuses to get help for her back. Says she doesn’t want to take painkillers as she’ll become dependent on them. So why is alcohol different?

You or your Mum/brother take in your neice. You can't do anything to help an alcoholic who doesn't want help. Tell your sister to contact you when she has decided to stop drinking and leave her to it.

I'm sorry - I had just the same with my brother. Alcoholics lie all the time, it's horrible and frustrating and if you do give it to them straight they go off on you. It's awful and you have my total sympathy. It's unlikely you'll ever get through to your sister I'm afraid.

It’s awful. Dh asks why I even bother and I’ve tried to explain you think this’ll be the time you get through to them, but it never is.
She is selfish, aggressive, entitled, a victim, the list goes on to what she has become.
She uses other peoples mistakes/pasts against them whenever they try and reach her.
She hasn’t even met my 2 year old yet, she just isn’t interested. Always some excuse. I haven’t seen her in 2 years !! But when she needs someone to rant too, somethings gone on she expects you to be there for her !! She is exhausting. Never asks about you. What’s happening in your life, it’s all about her and how bad she has it.

Niece has told the social worker she wants to move in with her older brother, he is happy with this.
I wanted to send niece some birthday money, She hasn’t even got her own bank account yet, She said her brother is going to set one up for her. Shouldn’t her mum be doing that? It’s basic parenting and she acts like she is mother of the year. Really is laughable.

Yes she genuinely has got a couple of slipped discs, But so have I yet I’m functioning and managing to live my life just fine. She just cba !! She doesn’t even use her back as an excuse to drink, that’s a minor thing in her opinion. Thats just her excuse not to do anything around the house as she’s in bed all day.

1. ask the older brother to contact social services directly and say he’s happy to have her - this may move things along quicker
2. best thing is to let the older brother open a bank account for your niece as then mother doesnt have access to it. Don’t ever send niece cash.
3. have you visited any Al Anon groups online? They are for loved ones of alcoholics and can help you to manage your ties with your sister.

I say the above points as an alcoholic. I’m 19 days sober because I want to be. I attend AA meetings online daily, often 2-3 times a day, and I’m looking for work too.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/find-a-meeting/

Neice doesn't need the social worker to give permission for her to move in with her brother. They won't pay him as a foster carer or anything so she should just pack up her things and go. Do you know what she's waiting for?

Mother is an addict, there is nothing you can do for her until she wants to do something for herself. Focus your attention on your niece who will have been hugely impacted by her mother's behaviour.

She never used to be like this. Her older kids have turned into lovely adults because she actually parented them. My niece though hasn’t had it as good, split up with her husband, got a new bf who she has a toxic relationship with (he isn’t perfect but my sister is a nightmare and he must have the patience of a saint. But he does enable her behaviour to keep the peace)
Her bf is good to my niece.
Her drinking became a problem when she divorced her ex husband. And it’s just got worse and worse. She is blaming my niece though for her being in this state. Saying she couldn’t get a job as niece wouldn’t go to school, it’s an excuse. So for the last two years she’s say at home drinking, not sorting nieces schooling out or pushing for an EHC assessment, she’s now being taken to court over niece not being in school. I’ve tried to help her I really have. I’ve even wrote her letters to send to the Local authority asking for support for my niece. Nothing gets done.

Im sorry I just need to get it all out as my dh thinks she’s a waste of space and doesn’t understand why it bothers me.
My nephew and his partner are selling their house atm and they’ve said once they have somewhere niece can move in with them.

So I tried to talk to my sister, I said she needs to show the social worker she wants to stop drinking and that it’s sad niece wants to live with her brother. She came straight at me saying she can’t believe I have chosen to say this stuff knowing how stressed she is at the moment, that I am preaching to her and need to look at myself, there’s a time and a place and the first 2 referrals was because Niece took overdoses (this is true but cmon why is that sis)
There is literally no talking to her it all gets thrown back in your face !

I totally sympathise - my mum was an alcoholic when I was your niece’s age and made my life a miserable hell. I wanted my mother out of my life. She got defensive and aggressive if challenged on her alcoholism. My mum did work full time though in a very responsible job and this was her and my Dad’s excuse for her drinking!