How close are you with your teen/s

[GiveMeCake]

Hi all posting here for traffic..

Basically as my subject, I am wondering how close are you to your teen/s? Boy mums in particular

I have 2 boys age 19 and nearly 17 and they barely want to spend any time or engage with me (or their dad unless it’s football) and I am just struggling in general with them.

Latest is, I found the younger ones tick tok accounts which they are active on, and I have been asked not to follow… ok I could set up a random account just to see what they post, repost just to get to know them a bit better but I won’t, I’m feeling quite hurt tbh

I used to think their behaviour was normal as they are teens, hormones, independence etc but starting to doubt this as I see different relationships with my friends teens and (I know I know!) on social media of mostly amazing mothers and daughters relationships (also IRL)

Just feeling bit down about it all

thanks

You have to make the effort.

What do they like doing? can you take them somewhere you’d all enjoy?

Not wanting to be followed on SM is a teen thing and by no mean representative of how close you are. Setting up random TikTok’s will not make you closer to them and could do some harm to your relationship if they have asked you not to. I know it is hurtful but it is how it is. I am very close to one DD but she would hate me to be on her SM, my other children have all friend requested me and moaned when I didn’t accept because I don’t access it that much. It all boils down to how they use SM, it’s not personal.

Boys are definitely harder to connect to as teens. My closeness with my boys comes from keeping conversations frequent and talking about our everyday life. I make a point not to judge and as a result, they open up to me about all sorts and come to me with any issues they have (although this tends to be when they need physical help to do something, they don’t open up emotionally in the same was my girls do). I help out as much as I can and get rewarded with little pockets of closeness. Having said that, 17 is a hard age and there have been times where my DS’s have just wanted to shut everyone out and that was okay too.

It is very easy to look at others and assume closeness. My DD’s partner goes to every family event with his parents and siblings even though they are way into their 20’s. On the face of it, they seem like one big happy family but in reality, it is an expectation that he attends these events and there are toxic undertones within the family unit itself and how they wish to present themselves to the world.

Thanks I get that, I make a lot of effort but constantly being rejected whether it’s suggestions to do things together, even simple things like watching tv/movies..

I did take 16 year old away on a mini break to Spain recently, just the 2 of us, was nice but tiring keeping them happy when they weren’t hunched over their phone! 😕

There has been a definite shift with DS who is 17 but I think we are still quite close. He’s working full time now so the mornings are not great. He never has been good in the morning but it is worse now we have a 5.45 am start. I tend to leave any big conversations to the drive home or the evenings. He is still polite and respectful. His room is shit hole but I pick my battles and I will call him out if his behaviour isn’t what I would expect from him.

While we have our moments, he does still randomly buy me cakes or flowers. The closeness is still there but a definite shift from our relationship in the last year or so. He’s growing up, so spreading his wings. As I say I need to pick my battles when they arise and let him learn. He does come home in silence at times and spend the evening in his room.

I am finding 17 harder than I thought. He’s still my little boy but not. This is by far the hardest I have found being a parent. Letting him grow himself and not being in control, school and clubs etc.

Some ideas that we do:

We try and all eat together as a family at the table. (No phones allowed)

We play a lot of silly games as a family. We play a traitors style one and one where a person closes their eyes and the others agree on a number 1-10. The person with the closed eyes then says a category such as “chocolate bar” and you have to give them one that you think they will rate at the same level as the number. They then ask the next person another thing and at the end they guess their number. It’s a really silly game but they always say let’s play it and it gives the added bonus of you finding out what they like.

I hate football but actively keep up to date with sport just so I am not ousted from conversations. I also seek out opportunities to get tickets to events that I think they might enjoy even though I don’t attend myself.

Thanks for this, will try harder to try to be rewarded with little pockets of closeness, sounds lovely. I always try to engage with questions on how they are, their interests, what they are doing.. but get nothing back

But in Spain he did hold my hand one day, so it’s confusing! I would do anything for my boys

I guess what doesn’t help is 16 year old doesn’t think it’s necessary to brush their teeth or shower more than once a week and recently I found 2 large empty bottles of vodka in their room .. so had to do the normal parenting bit on that!

Thanks both, we played rummikub after dinner at home Sunday but the boys kept messing about, joking and laughing between themselves which completely went over mine and DH head, this and now the TikTok has really made me sad 😔

Have booked Rome (full itinerary planned!) over half term with DS16 , DH and me, Airbnb so we have space but DS not keen on going without their brother! Can’t but not dread and worry about this ..

to be clear I am trying so hard!!

I have two teen DSs aged 19 and nearly 16 (and a teen DD too). My relationship with the youbger one is up and down - he's very loving and will give me hugs but we also clash more often, whereas the older one is less likely to chat to me or hug me but also less likely to argue and fight with me. I find time in the car (giving lifts to football training and matches) is a good time to chat and find out about their lives. I follow my DD on instagram but my boys don't want me to follow them on SM - I think that's normal. I tell mine I love them and I'm proud of them as often as I can. Rome sounds fab - I hope it goes well!

I think that it sounds like you are creating some wonderful opportunities to be with your DS’s. The rest sounds quite normal behaviour.

Might be worth considering if the itinerary had been planned for DS or with DS and adapting if not.

FWIW, IMO parenting teens is 10x harder than parenting toddlers. Emotionally, they need us but don’t want us. We have no control over them and much of this time is spent doing the work on ourselves and learning to accept that the family unit is changing tides.

I have 3 boys (21, 19 and 14). Communication can be a struggle, particularly with the 21 year old who really only has a proper conversation if it involves sport. The other two are much happier to chat but I would say are still not up for particularly deep conversation.

I think the key is to find things they are interested in and do them together as a family. Mine are always happy to be taken to a restaurant, to certain sporting matches or to play board games together. And always up for an expensive holiday that we are paying for but unfortunately we can't do that too frequently!

Thanks all very helpful. Seems DS16 has reflected on last night and has apologised.

Totally agree it’s 100x harder, give me back those primary school years anytime! I was also much younger then lol

Realise I have to work on myself and my happiness, if I’m still around when they are in their 30’s and more mature then bonus!

I can’t imagine how my teens would have been had we had iPhones, social media …

thanks again

Oh it’s brutal with teen boys. I have a overall pretty good relationship with mine but I have to do all the work- take them
shopping, out for food, understand ridiculous amounts about their gaming, music etc. Even so it is very up and down and they have the habit of making me feel awful about myself sometimes!

I definitely agree with working on your own happiness, it makes a huge difference to how well I can cope with the awful bits - and then they pass more quickly

I have two boys, now in their 30s. The teen years were hard. But I persevered finding topics of conversation and welcoming friends and girlfriends. The uni years also tough as were the early 20s. But now we are super close and message every day about chit chat. They share, come to me with successes and failures and will always turn up when I ask them.

They’re both married with children and ‘get it’ more now. Hang in there especially with the ‘open house’ and the positive attitude about their friends and life choices. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

I have a couple of teens and can promise you girls can be just as tricky!

I've been musing on this too as it's hard not to feel rejected when their social scene ramps up and it doesn't include you. That said I do try to understand as I didn't really want much to do with my parents at that age as I'd discovered clubbing. Some of their friends I like more than others (unsurprisingly the ones who are a 'good' influence 😁) but I try not to say to much as again it's their life and choices and who wants your mum standing in judgment?

Mixed with the later life hormone rollercoaster it's a bit of a nightmare. Trying to work out who you are again now your lives are starting to separate from your kids. It does sometimes seem a bit sad, and the classic line that they are 'using this place as a hotel!' rings true. They will still come on holiday with us but it has all shifted and they spend a lot of time on phones/ connecting with friends. It is hard not to miss having those little cuddly people on holiday who don't think you are embarrassing or know nothing!

Hopefully, if we've done our job right they do appreciate us deep down and once they are most established in work and relationships they will enjoy our company again more.

I do have friends whose teenage children are more dependent on their parents and haven't spread their wings and while in one way they are closer, I wouldn't want that for my children. I want them to be able to embrace all that the world offers and for them to do that properly I need to step back as they step forward. It's just not always easy.