What should I do... UK-Aus

[mummaAusUk]

Looking for some warming advice as I'm really struggling right now.

Moved to Aus a year ago with my partner and small children. Since being here I've struggled massively and really underestimated how hard I would find it with children and no family here. I've voiced my opinions many of times but partner didn't want to move back due to a good job opportunity here. I've been extremely down and alone. I've met friends and made an effort with the children and parents and school but still really struggled. I've mentioned moving back home quiet A bit but partner refused. We agreed before coming here that if we didn't like it we would return.

Partner has now recently been messaging another woman from work and I found out. He was very childish with how he acted afterwards and wouldn't talk about it and initially told me to go home with the children (he had been drinking) He's since admitted it was just chatting in a friendly way maybe slightly flirty but he agrees it was wrong. He's apologised. We've spoken and we agreed the relationship hasn't been great the past year due to me going on automatic mum mode after having a baby and struggling with hormones and also moving across the world and having other children. I've apologised for my neglect in our relationship and it hurts me that he needed to go else where to seek attention. We have agreed to making it work but I'm struggling to see how whilst we are here with no support network or time for our relationship. We both feel uncomfortable with child care so that's a firm no for us. But I don't know how to convince him to come back home. I don't want to leave him as that would break my children's hearts.

My heart hurts and I feel really rubbish right now but I'm having to still be a good mum and put on a brave face whilst dealing with this and also try with my relationship. I feel like he's putting his job and feelings before our family. I don't want to lose him or break my family up. We are such a lovely little family usually.

You need to make a section for you.

You apologized for his affair?

Wow!! He neglected your relationship when he started flirting with this woman.

Of you don’t move back soon, they kids will have exams, made friends etc and it’ll get harder and harder to even think about coming back.

I know I live abroad.

Kids now in relationships, looking at marriage etc. They don’t know their own family.

What would he say if you upped and left?

You feel like he is putting his job and feelings before your family because he is. Personally, I’d be on a plane home very very soon, with your children. If he doesn’t want to lose his family then he’ll be on the plane home with you, won’t he?

Poor you. You need to return with the children and leave him to make his own decision. Once the children are settled and have bought into life over there you will be stuck. I have a friend who did this and she’s miserable, her children are both teens.

You are absolutely fucked if you split up because you can’t bring the children back to the uk without his permission.

I’ve lived in Australia when my dc were young children and I’ve seen it happen time and time again. Women stuck in Australia when they don’t want to be there. And obviously when the children grow up, they don’t want to move to the uk because they have grown up in Australia.

The man’s life hardly changes at all. He’s just going to work like he did before and coming home again.

The woman has to completely rebuild her life from the ground. I did do that and with great success. I made friends, I worked, I had hobbies. But I still didn’t want to live there. I wanted to be in the UK where I have a family and a shared history with people l

OP, I feel there is something wrong with the way you are framing things.

Your partner wanted to go to Australia and you complied. You don't like it yet he won't return home after saying he would if you wanted to. He lied.

You look after your children because neither of you like external childcare, but you are apologising to him for being in mum mode ...err because you are a mum to small children? You called it neglect of him - never apologise for taking care of your kids. They will grow up thinking they are a burden. He should have helped you.

He uses the opportunity of you having a baby to have an emotional work affair and then blames you.

You are isolated and alone and want to be with him. You are quite vulnerable and could end up trapped and as the PP aid above, unable to leave as your kids are settled whilst he does what he wants.

If you aren't prepared to use childcare you will continue to struggle to build a life for yourself and you will continue to struggle with feeling isolated. Your marriage needs help as well otherwise you will almost inevitably split up. Counselling might help. You need a plan, counselling to see if the marriage is viable, then job hunting.

I felt like I'd contributed to him not feeling a connection because I'd been struggling so much with post partum hormones and also a new country. Maybe I neglected us or didn't realise.

He's told me to leave on many occasions. I have family support back home that isn't a problem. I hate the idea of taking the kids away from their dad. He wants to make a go of it here now for the next 6 months and see how I feel.

He's told me many of times to leave with the kids big I have to. I don't know if to call his bluff and if he will follow or if he will just stay here and pretend we don't matter. He loves his children but I feel right now he's just distant from us. He wants to work at it and stay here but I don't think I want to stay here

He said I can leave with the children. I don't think he will stop us it's more of the worry of if he will come with us I hate taking the kids away from their dad.

We both wanted to go Australia. But I'd never been before and didn't know how I'd feel and throw a baby into the mix it was very hard.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I want to run home but then what if he doesn't follow or just forgets us and moved on. I want to say he won't because he loves the kids lots but I really don't know at this point

Does he love you? It sounds like you’ve moved heaven and earth for him while he’s gone and found someone else. It sounds like he’s made a life for himself, and really doesn’t care if it includes you and the kids.

Staying there won’t make him love you.

If he says you can go home, get it in writing. It might save you from the Hague protocols if you leave in the short term.

However, the longer you stay, the less likely it will be that you can leave unless you get very, very good legal advice.

Get your children into child care one or two days per week and get into the workforce. Make a life for yourself. You need it.

If he is saying you can leave with the children, go now. It will be much harder to leave with the children the longer they are there. He should have been supporting you post partum, not looking elsewhere. He has separated already - you said he is disconnected and distant. He's not doing anything to reconnect, he's expecting you to change.

He says he loves me and he loves the kids. But he's happy here and hates it back home it's his dream to be here he says and he thinks I'm being unreasonable and not caring about what he wants for wanting to go homex

That's all very true. I just feel so lost as what to do. If I leave I'm upsetting the kids for taking them away from their daddy. But if I stay they have to family here just us and it's so hard managing it all.

The issue is would he let you go. If he’s said he will and you are still this unhappy then look into it.

Every time people suggest things, you seem to blame yourself for everything. It takes two, you know. It very much sounds like you went along with his ideas, maybe for an easy life, but it was him who made the moves.

This is not your fault, but difficult decisions need to be made because there is no perfect answer, no magic wand. If he’s determined to stay and he will let you take the children out of the country, then you will be a divided family. It might bring him to his senses though and if he is serious about making your relationship work, he might realise his dream is not compatible with that. We all make compromises in relationships and it’s a toss up for him if he wants to stay there; will it be worth it if you are so desperately unhappy? How much does he care about your happiness?

Like others say, the longer you stay, the harder it will be to go home, especially for your children.

Have a serious discussion with him about your future or consider suggesting that you go to counselling together. If you do stay, try getting some childcare to give yourself a break. Postpartum can be a challenging time anyway but without any support, it’s just going to be a lot harder.

That’s not what you are choosing between in my experience. You are choosing between you living in Australia for the rest of your life or living twelve thousand miles away from your children in the UK.

OP, I remember your earlier thread and how everyone jumped on you for not thinking Australia was the most wonderful life opportunity! (I've lived there, too, so I completely understand your doubts about staying there.)

Although we returned to the UK together, I eventually split up with DH#1. Living in Australia had made the differences between us very apparent, things I might never have noticed about him if we'd remained in the UK. We wanted an entirely different lifestyle. (There were many other things wrong with the marriage, but I could probably have gone much longer not realising this if we hadn't moved to Oz!)

Your DH has a whole life mapped out for himself there, not least a whole social network with his job, and he wants to embrace it to the point where he is happy for you and the children to return to the UK without him if that's what you want.

Given this, I think he is bound to be attracted to someone who represents "Australian life" for him, and that's not you. It's only a matter of time before he is tempted again, unfortunately.

In your position, I'd be focused on getting home for Christmas 💗 enjoying time back with your family... and then, with their support, licking your wounds and working out a way forward.

At least nowadays he can Facetime the kids etc. But I expect he will enjoy his Aussie beach Christmas, and I doubt he will spend it alone.

In your shoes, I would stop talking about it and move home with the kids.

If you think he would block you from doing that, find a way to frame it so it looks like a holiday. Once you are back here, get them into schools and a life.

He sounds utterly checked out anyway. As a pp has said, if he wants you, he will follow. He likely won't so you need to take that into consideration.

Remember he is reneging on the deal. He said if either of you didn't like it, you would return as a family. That's a betrayal.

So, point out to us where he is caring about what you want? He doesn’t. Not one bit. He couldn’t even stay away from another woman for you. Go home with your kids and be with the people who do love you.

Sorry to be blunt but there is absolutely nothing in your posts which gives an impression that he values you or your kids.

You’ve gone along with everything to try and make this work and he’s still doing whatever the fuck he wants and treating you like shit. He’s literally telling you to take his kids and come home, what sort of a man does that?

Why are you breaking yourself to make this work?