Toddler struggling with nursery room change

[pilloura]

Please tell me this should just be a brief wobble!

DD recently turned 2 and has just moved up to the next nursery room. Now the reality of a bigger, busier room with less interaction with the adults (particularly her previous key person whom she adored) has hit home and she's really struggling.

I was prepared for difficult drop offs - several of the other parents whose DC went up earlier said there were a lot of tears - but she's also waking up in hysterics throughout the night crying "not going to room name!". Last night she wouldn't settle from 11pm to gone 4am through clinginess. They also reported today that she now seems to be withholding her wees for hours on end rather than using her potty there, which is a worry - though it all tallies with her understandably wanting to get some control over an unfamiliar situation.

Anyone else had similar? I am sure it will improve with time but for now it is just very hard to see her so unsettled even outside nursery. I'm also 8 months pregnant and conscious she's soon going to have the major upheaval of a sibling, which makes me feel even worse for her. Thank you for any wisdom!

She's two. She's still a baby. Does she have to go to nursery? Could you have her at home whilst you're on maternity leave with the baby? I'm sorry that this might not be what you want to hear but you need to listen to your child. Things might improve but that doesn't mean she's content. It will just mean she's learnt that there's no point making a fuss as she still has to go. If you can't have her at home then could you try a childminder instead? It's more personal and a more natural environment for a 2 year old. I don't know what the government policy is on funding now but would they part fund a childminder as part of the free hours? Or is that only after 3?

Thanks, @TheGrimSmile . Whilst I do hear what you're saying I think that might be jumping the gun a little bit when she's so far been fine with the setup of nursery in general - she's been going since she was 1 and has always been keen, never been reluctant to go or come out sad, talks to us excitedly about the staff and other children etc. She might still be young but she's definitely not a baby - her communication is very good and she is able/wants to talk about her feelings and explain when she wants something to be a different way.

We're certainly not going to just plough on with it if she stays unhappy but I think we will know if she is - even if she's not making a fuss there will be other signs.

@pillouradoss she have any kind of comforter she can have at nursery?
she can probably also sense change afoot with your pregnancy as well and this might be making her feel just as unsettled.

I wonder if the withholding wees is an element of control, when she feels like something has changed.

A friends child struggled with the move up to the big room and one tactic they used is his old key worker used to treat him at the door in the morning and take him in, not sure if that would be possible at the nursery?

also just to say, I’m speaking from a little bit of experience as have just had a baby with a 2 year old in nursery who moved at 2 as well

Thanks, @lightslittle. Congratulations on your new baby! I hope you're all doing well.

I think you're right in that essentially there's a lot of change going on when things have been settled for a while, so she's looking for areas where she can get some control back.

That's really interesting re your friend's child and their key person. I'm not sure about greeting her at the door - they did that for the settling sessions but I think ratios will make it tricky on a normal day. There is still probably something that can be done so it's less of a hard stop to their relationship, though - they're sometimes in the garden at the same time for instance (and I'm sure there's a timetable to that) so potentially we/nursery can explain when she's likely to still see her so she can look forward to that and have some structure around it.

Meanwhile we're trying to keep the other bits the same - she has the same comforter she's taken since she was a baby, her water bottle from home, stickers for the potty, etc.

I think this is super normal, although obviously difficult and upsetting. My son was very unsettled at about 2y3m, because a lot of people in his room moved up and a lot of younger ones came in - so even though he had not moved and still had his keyworker, he felt like he was basically in a whole new room. We had tears on the way in like we've never seen before, wailing about it on a weekend, very clingy. He was too small to move up but nursery let him spend an hour or so a day in the new room with his old friends, until he was old enough to go up himself.

A friend had a child who struggled with moving room, so they phased the transition whereby he went in for breakfast in his old room, then went up to the new room after that. It took a month or so before he was happy to into the new room straight away.

I found our nursery super supportive when DS was going through this, is yours being supportive? I think the thing about seeing her old keyworker in the garden is a good idea. Has she moved with some friends? I don't know what you can do about night wakes, other than validating and reassuring 'yes, it's hard to move rooms, it can be scary when things are new. I understand you feel sad/nervous/scared about changing room and leaving keyworker behind' 'what's super fun is that keyworker still works there, so you'll see her in the garden!' 'even though a new room can feel daunting, you still get to play with x,y,z friends!'

It feels rough because I feel like I've been told 'validate their feelings and it's like a magic wand for making them feel better' but in reality I find I have to validate over and over and over (I'm happy to do so) but it's not a quick fix.