4 year crying a lot not wanting to go to reception…advice?

[itsraining2024]

It overwhelmes me and kicks my anxiety in when she cries I want to cry…she said she finds it’s scary….shes been for 3 weeks but took 2 days off with fever and has found it a struggle…any advice? What can I do to help her?

I feel like a terrible mother

You just have to keep sending them. No pandering to them or staying off unless absolutely necessary or you’ll end up with a kid that never wants to go.

Lots of children find it hard to settle at school initially and go on to be perfectly ok.

Can you speak to her teacher and find out how she us in the day? Does she settle, join in etc as that might reassure you.

Can she narrow down what she finds scary? Sometimes its a really specific thing like the toilets, or lunch time or they missed an instruction about the start of the day routine and don't get what's happening so feel anxious. You can then tackle that issue.

How is she once she gets there? My 4 year old son sometimes has a big cry on the way in and I have to carry him over the threshold kicking and screaming, but they assure me within 5 mins he’s happily playing. He’s been the same since he moved to the 2-3s room at nursery - every new transition comes with a couple of months of on-off difficult mornings but he’s always fine by the time I’m out of the gates. I call it his ‘door anxiety’ because I know once he’s through the door it will be ok. I’ve had to toughen up and just get used to it. However I think I’d find it harder if he was miserable all day.

ETA - key things are consistency and distraction. Playing a game on the way in like counting the cars or I spy. Silly things like where I’m ’born yesterday’ and don’t know the way to school so he has to tell me. One day he just forgets to be sad. And he has to go, every day, even if he’s sad, but a bribe of a chocolate biscuit or an ice lolly when he gets home often helps!

Speak to her teacher, and speak to her. There must be something she likes - playground, classroom toys, home corner, books - home in in that. Send her in with a special snack for school. Above all, do not allow her to think that being ill/crying will get her out of going. She has to understand that school is non-negotiable, and that you are pleased she is going. When you pick her up, let her know how pleased and proud you are that she’s a big girl who goes to school - most children are very keen to please their parents, so if you give off a “school is good and I want you to be there” vibe, she’ll pick up on it.

You're not a terrible mother.

Don't let her see your overwhelm or anxiety. Put a big smile on your face and model resilience. Talk about what is specifically difficult for her and feed this back to the teacher. Ask them how they can help. They've dealt with every problem already. Acknowledge that she feels scared right now, but soon she won't feel like that for ever. If it's because she misses you, draw a heart on both your hands or give her your hair bobble to wear on her wrist.

It's not unusual for children starting school to find it scary and overwhelming. And it's natural to find it upsetting when your child is upset. But your reaction seems extreme - if your daughter picks up on your anxiety that could make everything much worse.

First thing I'd do is speak to the teacher to get their advice - they will have dealt with this many times before. Many children are absolutely fine within a few mins of entering classroom.

Little things can help. Get up early enough so that the morning is not rushed and if your school lets children in to their classroom as soon as they arrive then try to be one of the first so that the classroom is quiet and less intimidating. At my child's school, the teacher has little jobs for some of the anxious children to do as soon as they arrive - tidying pencils etc. It helps them settle quickly by keeping them busy.

I had this with my 4 year old yesterday, I’ve never seen him so determined, dug his heels into the floor, screamed at me and the teacher (unheard of, normal I get ALL the rage for myself!) but she held him tight and got him in and told me he settled quickly and had a good day.

I had a chat with him after pick up about what made him so upset and he told he didn’t get enough sleep - I don’t need a second excuse to enforce an early night! He also said he would feel better going into school if he could have cake for breakfast 😂 so I made an oat based batch of cupcakes with banana and raspberries and a few white chocolate chips and he went in a lot better today!

i would def recommend seeing if there are any worries your dc has that you can ‘fix’ as that might help them feel like they have a bit of control? It’s a big change starting school, it’s so hard seeing them struggle with it!

I’ve read all your replies and thank you for being so helpful. I think it was sleep. She’s had a good 12-13 hours today and woke up happy to go to school. She’s trying to drop her nap at 4-5pm which she did yesterday so will take a bit of time I guess.

What time is she going to bed if she’s napping at that time?