DD (7) will just not listen to me

[Bobnobob]

I ask her to do something simple (e.g. brush her teeth, get dressed) and she just does something else, or ignores me. I have to ask her so many times, then raise my voice which upsets her .. but eventually does it.

Does anyone have any strategies to help with this? I’m tired of the battle in the mornings to get out of the door in time for school. Ive tried sticker charts and rewards for good listening but they are a novelty for a while then she just slips back into not listening!

In every other aspect of her life she is doing well, very academically clever, behaviour at school is great, goes to lots of clubs, has good friendships, gets on well with her siblings etc. It’s not a hearing issue.. she hears everything she wants to hear!

No advice I’m afraid. My 9 year old is the same. She’s bright and doing well at school so she obviously can listen and follow instructions but whatever I ask her to do always ends up in me finding her in her room dancing to k-pop and not doing what she actually went in there for. I’m just hoping she will eventually grow out of it……

If ours doesn't follow morning routine she has no screentime, favorite snacks or what ever is a trreat after school. Bad behaviour isn't rewarded.

What’s her morning routine? Would it help to have a chart showing her what she needs to do?

This sounds exactly like what my eldest was like. Nothing worked. Until we say dc down and had a serious chat about how stressful mornings were when tasks weren't done on time and asked how they felt. They agreed it was stressful as well. We decided together to make a chart of what needed doing ever morning and would leave them to it.

Chart had things like:
Make bed
Get dressed
Brush teeth and hair
School bag ready by the front door
Lunch box and water bottle at front door or in bag
Breakfast choices - that they could do themselves
Simple rules - no screens etc
Everything done - lego, building, reading, colouring etc

It worked. Every morning after and since (the chart is long gone) dc gets up and ready without complaints and does everything needed without prompts. It may not be in the order I would choose but I'm not arguing it. I think it was a control thing.

No harm in trying it. I think some kids just need that little bit of independence younger than others.

I ask her to do something simple (e.g. brush her teeth, get dressed) and she just does something else, or ignores me.

Tell her she needs to do it right now or you're going to have to stand over her and watch her like a toddler. If she makes you do that, have absolutely no conversation/interaction with her while she does it.

Reward her each time you don't have to stand over her.

My ds was the same. I found that standing beside him and cleaning my teeth while he did his, helped.

I cured him of delaying getting dressed in one day. I picked him up in his pjs, carried him and his clothes out to the car and drove to school. (I was particularly desperate that morning)

He was horrified that his friends might see him as 'a baby' who couldn't get dressed on his own, and he was always dressed on time after that.

What is she doing instead of the things you’ve asked?
The things you’ve mentioned are daily, routine stuff that’s she’s been doing everyday for years. She must know that she needs to be dressed etc..
I reckon you’ve got two options-
get really firm and ‘on her’. Give the instructions and then the second she’s not doing what you’ve said, remove the distraction and re-direct her back on task. Repeat ad nauseum.
or go for natural consequences. Give the instructions and then maybe a warning and then leave her too it. If she’s not dressed in time she goes in the car in her pjs.
I’d probably try the first one first!
No toys or tv or even food in the morning until the basics are done.
If she’s is NT and reasonably bright then she’s having you on.

She absolutely is having me on! She will be doing anything other than what I have asked her.. e.g. ‘helping’ her sister, having a little dance in the mirror 😆 The thing is she has to go to school.. as do her siblings. I really can’t just dump her in the car with her pyjamas on. She knows I won’t follow through with that one! For a start she has a mass of curly hair that needs products and careful combing while wet etc. I have to do this after she is dressed. There are no TV or toys in the morning.. it is up, breakfast, dressed and in the car. We are never ever late or unorganised but it just comes with such a battle.

Get magnetic stars for a star charts or do pompoms in a jar. She gets 3 pompoms/ stars for agreed tasks ( eg working through a checklist of things to do before school without prompting) you can also give spontaneous rewards of 3 stars/ pompoms for seeing her do something helpful etc..
However, stars / pompoms can also be lost. Explain you will ask her to do something once. If she doesn't respond, you will ask once more then start counting to 5. If she hasn't started to do the thing by the time you get to 5 you will take away 2 stars/ pompoms.
When she gets a full chart/jar she can have treat.
Talk about what type of treat she would like beforehand and there may be a few options ( going out for McDonald's breakfast or an ice-cream with a parent at the weekend, Going roller skating etc have been popular. One on one activities with a parent work particularly well). Maybe 30 ish stars would be a good total to aim for.

If her younger sister is old enough to understand, start a chart/ jar for her too with age appropriate tasks to gain stars . Seeing a sibling get a reward that you don't get because you've lost too many stars (however hard this may feel for a parent to implement in the moment) can be very motivating.

I know that it is better for children to work for intrinsic rewards but if they just aren't getting it and it is causing stress and frustration, then something like the above can really help.

If you're sure she's not ND I would absolutely dump her at school in her PJs.

Otherwise try reading how to talk so children will listen.

Is there no way her hair can be put into some kind of protective style at night. Then one of those silk bonnets? And I absolutely meant take her to school in her pyjamas. She can get changed in the car.

How does humiliation actually work? It's borderline abuse. Don't do this op. It will actually look worse on you as the parent. I would never ever dream of treating my kids this way.

Sanctions work better long term (unless sen) or as I've stated try giving her a little power and see what happens. It either works or doesn't. Nothing gained or lost.

I have mine do it all first thing. So dressed and teeth as soon as she wakes up. When she comes down ready she may have TV with breakfast IF there’s time so there’s an incentive to be speedy. I also pile on the pressure where the first child down gets the first choice of show so they’re racing each other!

Also due to different start times for juniors vs. infants she’ll be marked as late before her younger sibling is. So I’ve called her bluff a few times with we’re not late, it’s only you that’s late and you’ll have to explain to her teacher why. This works.

Re the hair can you experiment with brushing conditioner through at bedtime and a silk pillowcase or bonnet so it’s more efficient in the mornings? I think the drop her in PJs is a tad harsh but there’s nothing wrong with a slightly messy ponytail because there wasn’t time for a bespoke hairstyle.