I need to get some advice please

[PlanterPot]

I have family home from abroad for a few months on a working holiday. All summer I was expected to be available for babysitting my nieces and nephews even though I am not on a holiday. I still have work to attend too. I love my nieces and nephews I really do. It is hard because they were born abroad and most of their lives are abroad and that distance is hard.

This time with me should be fantastic for me. To spend as much time as possible with them.

However I am struggling so much.

I have issues with my work. It's a whole entire different thing. I work in care and they quite simply just want my soul 24/7. Ok maybe not that but this summer was a nightmare. I can count on one hand the amount of days that I had off since the start of July.

So there is that work issue thing. Then whenever I am free, I am expected to throw myself into family obligations and family time and babysitting.

I remember a few weeks, the first Saturday I had off I had to take my nieces and nephews on a day into town because they wanted to spend time with me. We had a nice lunch and went to the toy shop and then they started crying outside the cinema but that the time there was nothing on in the cinema for them. There was nothing suitable. It was a whole entire headache. Listening to snarliness and whining after being treated.

My first proper day off without work and babysitting was last weekend for one day and I ended up just sleeping for a while entire Saturday.

There's currently 4 other adults at home and not one of them will take over their own children and childcare and will push them onto me.

I have been in work all week including yesterday and over night last night.

I am just so so so so so sick of everything. My breakfast this morning was just choking on food.

If it's not work that wants me it's my family and the kids who want my time and attention.

I went from having one migraine every 2/3 months to having them at least once a week and a low level headache every day.

I am due to finish up this afternoon at some stage. My issue is that I want to try and grab one afternoon/evening to myself. Go into town without having children beg and tag along with me. Just have a little bit of time for myself. That's all.

That's not a lot to ask for, now is it? I wouldn't mind but the kids can be bad in their own way.

You see I am cold lately I need to buy a cardigan in town. They will likely want to demand my time and energy for the afternoon and demands to tag along but they won't like what I need to do and I don't want to take them into town again to treat them.

All adults at home are likely hungover too. I am just so sick of it all.

The word you are needing is no

or “thanks for the offer but not this time “

or just slip out the door quietly

The kids and their parents don't understand the word no.

That's what I had to do lately just to go to work in peace lately. Just leave without saying anything and without saying goodbye. Just go. Or I would have been expected to take a sick day to babysit.

I am so sick of it all. There are two problems. There is work and there is my family. All of them want something from me without giving me a tiny little bit of respect in return.

How did it even come about that you were expected to be the default babysitter and in house childcare? Did you agree to do this? If not please just speak up and say it's enough. You can then offer what you feel able to give.

Just open your mouth and say no.

I live with my mother and my family from abroad came home on holidays for the summer and just expected the babysitting.

I think any other work or job and I would be able to clock in and clock out and have normal hours but my current role is a nightmare.

I never agreed to babysitting or spending my own money treating my nieces and nephews.

I just resent everything. My work. My family.

I do tell them NO but they are not listening to me.

I had one weekend 'free' over the summer but .y work had me studying modules and I had to do assignments and submit for a deadline but the parents of the children all fucked off at the crack of dawn leaving their children. They didn't even ask me to babysit. A lot of the time it's like this. They don't care about my work load or schedule.

"I'm going to town this afternoon to buy a cardigan so I won't be babysitting. No, I won't take the children with me. No, you can't come with me."

Leave the house. Don't hurry back. Put your phone on silent whilst youre out.

How old are you?
Do you have any plans to move out of your mother's home?
That needs to be your long term aim.

Tackle the two problems separately.

For work, what does your contract say? I assume you work shifts, and the contract has a minimum number of hours.
Learn how to say 'No' to excess shifts. Depending on how they are arranged and how much notice you get, either say 'no' when the rota is published, or say 'no' when your employer phones you up to come in at short notice.
The employer just wants the shifts covered, so will phone the person most likely to give in and say yes. Don't be that person.
If it doesn't improve, change jobs.

For family, if the adults are sneaking out of the house early and leaving the kids to you, the only answer is to go out even earlier.
Can you stay over at a friend's house for a few nights?
It is a ridiculous situation.
But they won't be doing that every day. When they are at home, go out without the kids, even if it is just to sit in a café or the library.

It basically comes down to you learning how to say no.
There is no other solution.

Your mother has brought you up to be a submissive people-pleaser, so you are going to have to fight hard against every instinct of your upbringing and childhood conditioning to make yourself change.
And it is you that has to change, because it is impossible for any person to make anyone else change.
But you are the only one who can make yourself change

You don't need them to listen and agree when you say no.
That isn't how it works.

You just say no, then take action: leave the room or put the phone down or end the conversation. Then you follow through with further action: don't do the babysitting, leave the house alone, don't turn up for the shift, or whatever.

So keep saying no and keep slipping out quietly

have you a friend who would put you up for a couple of nights ? Explain your problem - I’d do that for a mate

People don't understand when you work for dickheads and psychopaths. It's not about saying no. They will get you to work more whether you say no or not. It's like you go into work and your not relieved of your duties when it's time and you end up working more and more and more.

I remember a weekend this summer where I had plans to complete an assignment on the Saturday but I was supposed to be finished work at 8 and then it was pushed out to 10pm which noone respected and it was after midnight when I was finished. Nobody understands the exhaustion that comes from a day like that.

Then it was a weekend of fucking babysitting for parents who were getting drunk and never wanted to understand that I had assignments to work on.

It was real fcking the catch the bus out from here to fck situation. Nobody respected me.