Your experience as a uni student - relationship with family

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I've seen so many posts on here and on Facebook about heartbreak taking YP to uni. We just took our eldest too but while we miss them I'm not so emotional about it - I know they will be home mid term and again for Christmas. I don't feel like our family is "dissolving". Plus I still send a daily hello and get something back online so far.

It made me wonder what other people's experience was as a student. I wasn't very close to my parents but still came home mid term and every holiday, and as an adult once I had children we had much more involvement with our parents.

I'm going to attempt a poll but I'm wondering if any of us felt our family changed so significantly once we went to uni.

I had a great relationship with my parents. My mum later said she was really sad when they'd driven away having taken me to uni, but I don't think she was generally really upset by it. We spoke regularly on the phone. I only came home at Christmas, Easter and summer but they occasionally visited me. I was having such a great time that I didn't really want to come home, but not because I didn't love my family!

Same with dd now. I was really sad when she went, but got over that pretty quickly and am just excited for her really. We are not a very emotional bunch though

I think Mum in particular had mentally set us up so that we considered it standard to leave home at 18 to do some form of specialist training like university. I don’t think it would have occurred to my Dad that life had changed at all from his own experience (boarding school from 6, national service at 18, university at 20), and if anything he found it quite difficult that we lived at home as teenagers. So I’ve voted ‘something different’ because I come from a family that considered a close family link to mean a weekly letter home. So the fact that I phoned my parents once a week seemed quite a lot to all of us.

My parents were emotionally abusive, verbally abusive and sometimes physically abusive alcoholics

They tried to bribe me not to go, and mocked and trashed my ambitions of the career I had in mind linked to the degrees my teachers had inspired me to pursue

On the few occasions I visited home I was abused more intensely until I stopped going

I now realise why I was so confused that my fellow students couldn't wait to go home, would go at weekends and during the holidays, and even moved back in with their parents after finishing their degrees.

My situation is probably atypical, as my parents weren’t really happy together (complicated) and I was an only child. I think my Mum did really miss me in a very visceral way, as I was her confidante, and it was difficult for me to deal with that while trying to find my own way. To this day I’m left with a lot of guilt about how I handled it for both parents - not always with understanding, I think. Suffice it to say, me going to university was the catalyst for my parents’ separation, so I suppose it did break up the family, in a way, but the fault lines were definitely already there!

All so interesting. It definitely changes things all round, I'm sure.

I have sometimes envied friends whose YP aren't planning to go to uni and will probably always live fairly nearby, but at the same time so proud of my eldest and happy for him. I really didn't want to stay in my old town and don't envy old school friends who did!

I think it’s very hard to compare. I went to uni in the late 90s. No mobile phones, no messaging, I had to be in my room to receive a call on the landline. We only just were getting email. I checked it once every day or two, but my mum only had email at work, so it wasn’t constant access.

It definitely changed the relationship, but I think it was just so normal and expected back then when you move away from home. It’s not like today when you expect a response 24/7 and can track your child’s location in real time. Very different circumstances.

My relationship with my mum (dad was dead at this point) did change in my 20s, not so much at uni, because I think it was hard for her to not be needed. I still needed her financially and practically at 17/18. But at 25, I was much more independent and there was a lot of bitterness and resentment that crept in I think. I’m mid 40s now and we are NC, so you can see where that went eventually. I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to base their whole identity and self-worth on another person.

When I went to uni was literally leaving home. Anything I didn’t take was binned and my room rented out for lodgers. It was awful.

I am in a laiden car as I type, taking my eldest to uni. I am emotional rather than sad. Relieved (as she is autistic, Adhd, and struggled with MH and gender dysphoria for 7 years) that she has made it at all. And very proud. But she knows she always has a home - that college is temporary and only 60mins away by train. Her room is untouched (okay will be tidying and cleaning later as it looks like a bomb site right now). I may feel a bit tearful later but this was so hard earned and, once she has settled, will be good for her and develop independence and resilience. She will grow up. We aren’t dissolving, but the family/home is changing.

When I went to uni we did all have a cry - but it had been a long day, we’d been up since 4am and we were all knackered! I saw my parents in the half term break, they came up to stay in my uni city and we had a few days break. Never felt like I was leaving my family to be honest

I still felt a strong family connection but my mum cleared my room...

when I went to uni, my brother moved into my room and there was no where for me to stay. My parents were divorced and my dad didn’t have a spare room either. went to a uni 200 miles from home so if I did go home I had to stay at my grandparents place. So I left home at 18. This was late 80s so no mobile phones, no email, we had a pay phone in the halls of residence but I only used to call home once in a while. I don’t think it damaged our relationship though. My own kids are now at uni. I love going to see them to take them out and spoil them. I don’t expect them to come home but love it when they do.

I grew up in a village where my entire extended family lived within a 3 mile radius. Thus, I only applied to universities that were sufficiently far away that I'd have to live there, so that I could have some privacy, peace and quiet!

I was informed that I was to call home once a week, and some family members expected me to be unable to cope 126 miles outside of the family bubble, and to run back home with my tail between my legs.

I went home a lot in the first year. I admit that I was annoyed that I still got treated as if I hadn't grown up a bit, or been away at all. After that, I only really went home for Compulsory Family Events, Christmas and the summer holidays. Being at home... it felt like a lot of pressure to be the family's version of myself, rather than just being me. I really liked having space from them, to grow up, be my own person and to develop my own thoughts and ideas. It did change the relationships, but it took a long time for them to realise that the baby of the family had grown up, and that I intended to escape from the village forever!

I went to Uni early 80s. I by myself on the train (8 hours) with a trunk. Never occurred to any of us that they should take me. I was ecstatic to leave home (bat out of hell...) as I had a very difficult relationship with my mother. I did go home in the holidays but I never lived at home again. My mother once said that they lost me when I went to University (neither of them had gone and my mother didn't want me to go - full grant in those days though so I was independent). But really they lost me long before that. So they may have felt it changed our family - but it didn't need to, had the underlying dynamics been healthier.

Yesterday we took an absurdly stuffed car to deliver dd for her 3rd year. I did feel a bit tearful when she first went, but really she's home A LOT - she has very long vacations and is very likely to live at home for who knows how long after graduating (and seems quite cheerful about it). I'm very keen for her to be independent - living with parents as an adult is an alien concept to me - I never knew anyone in my generation who did it - even those who didn't go to uni (as only 10% did back then) generally got married and moved out asap.

There has been an upside to dd being away though - in some ways we've got our lives back.

It's just a change, I went home in all
the holidays and for a few months after graduating, but you had to write letters or use a phonebox in those days so just one call a week or so. It was many years before they changed my old bedroom into a study. It is still called Exquisitely's room and has a few of my knick knacks and books on a shelf even though it's had no bed for years now.

My youngest started yesterday and my eldest has just graduated and is home, each big change takes a bit of adjustment and can be unsettling for a while but you get used to it and move on.

Interesting reading about the difference when we went. I was at uni late 80s, no email or mobile phones, our only landlines were in the student union building or something random phone boxes around college so nobody could call us. We wrote a lot of letters in the first term and got excited when there was something in the pigeon holes for us! I guess that meant our expectations were very different and maybe meant we focussed on the people around us.

I've just sent my YP a parcel but I don't expect I'll be writing many letters.

I didn’t go to uni but I left home at 19 and saw my family every couple of months (mostly me coming back) and I’d ring once a week.
my eldest went to uni 3 hours away we saw her roughly every 6 weeks and spoke once or twice a week, messaged most days.
youngest went to uni 1 hour away came home 1 or 2 weekends a month plus holidays we visited a couple times too. Again spoke/messaged most days.

With mobiles/sm kids can be in touch way easier these days.

I was second to leave home in mid 90s -- eldest went into rented flat then sqauts and was and still is a worry - moved away with gf went bad moved back go into debt homeless - lots of bitterness at sudden leaving.

Dmum did freak me out by packing post A-levels even before results but also the uni accomodation had to move out end of every term so came home and worked summer. I phoned home a lot so probably got more attention from Dmum than before less so Dad. Even now tend to do better by phone than in person visists.

DD1 went two years ago she was very ready and keen - not been back that much as her contracts aren't term only but after first year see more of her. Did feel very odd for a few months then that stopped. Dropped DS off sad - though he's been dragging feet last few weeks so been frustrating - but think it's best for him.

It's a change and we will miss them but DH and I both went to uni and have moved round for work - so less expectations they'd stay near us as we'll likely move as well. Did think we'd visit more but other kids and cats and DH work and money not worked out like that.

So I don't get the overwelming sadness posts either - it's a change but emotions are very mixed.

My siblings have stayed in roughly same area - and are in HA housing as no chance of buying and DP felt they couldn't leave for where they wanted in later life as need to support them.

I hated going home for holidays from uni, my dad was completely disinterested and my mum was quite controlling. I did like it when she sent me a parcel though! I think generally kids have much closer, better relationships with their parents these days compared with back 30, 40 years ago. DS has the perfect mix IMO, away during the week doing a degree apprenticeship, back at the weekend for a roast dinner and to get his washing done. It's been much gentler then him just suddenly disappearing off to uni for a term.

I wasn’t remotely close to my family; it was a practical relationship and hasn’t changed in the 30 years since. My kids are both at uni and I’m gobsmacked every year by the wailing and heartbreak on here and facebook. I love my kids and think we have a great relationship but I’m just hugely excited for the opportunities they have. They’re still back half the year and I love the freedom (and lack of washing/shopping/deciding on dinner) when they’re away. I speak to DD every day but DS once a week much the same as we did.

I have both my DDs currently at uni, one in 3rd year and one in 2nd year, both quite far away up north - Edinburgh and Liverpool. Like a pp has said, taking them up there was more emotional than sad, I am SO excited for them and glad they are a distance away to get a real experience of uni life and living away from home. They both love it and are thriving.

This year, one will be back at Christmas and the other not til next June as on year abroad.

When I went to uni, it was very different. Up north too to Leeds in the early 90s. Mum drove me up but that was it until she picked me up end of 3rd year. I was expected to get the coach from then on. Home life was not great and I didn’t really have anywhere to go in the hols as mum’s house was not the one I grew up in and there was no room. Phone calls were once a week or once every two weeks from a landline in a friend’s house. She had 3 other children younger than me so was busy with them.

I miss them of course but have a very busy job so evenings are bliss getting home and eating / cooking whatever I want 😁

My brother went to uni and my mother had a nervous breakdown! Going to uni 2 years later was a relief. We had 1 payphone between 120 people, there wasn't much contact. I think they collected me at the end of the first year but the other trips I did by myself, and after that first summer I didn't go home again. The joys of an alcoholic parent, there wasn't much to go back for.

I've got 2 DC at uni at the moment and we speak most days. I've spoken to them both multiple times already today but mainly that's because apparently even from 200 miles away I should be able to locate whatever thing it is they've lost in their rooms. My eldest went to uni, came back and it doesn't feel like he'll ever leave again. I think it would do him the world of good to be in a house share though.

I've spoken to them both multiple times already today but mainly that's because apparently even from 200 miles away I should be able to locate whatever thing it is they've lost in their rooms.

😂😂😂

I have twins, so if they both go all at once I expect that would take some getting used to. The house will feel quite different with no children in it I expect.

That would be quite the change @Mustreadabook

I'm a mum and talking about my relationship with my DD which isn't what you asked, I know, but I think it's relevant. She and I were VERY close before she went but I was pleased when she opted for the best course, albeit a long way from home (too far to travel for a weekend)- i felt it was time for her to find her own feet a bit.
She's still just as lovely and we both enjoy her being home when she's home, but she has now got a serious uni boyfriend who I can see has become her support system far more than me now - if she had a worry, he would be her first stop, not me.
All good and all as it should be at her age - I am pleased to see her happy and gaining independence. But our relationship has definitely shifted and I don't know what's going on in her head as much as I did 18months ago.

It's so strange to go from knowing all the ins and outs to not knowing much, isn't it? Even though, like you said, it's how it should be at this age.