How do you maintain a good relationship with adult children

[codependantmother]

My kids are teens so just thinking ahead. I’ve had some issues with my DM and it’s put a strain on relationship and there’s a lot of resentment as she guilts me into spending time with her etc. How do you raise children/teens to be adults that actually want to hang out with you and genuinely get on?

i have a good relationship with my kids although they spend most time with their friends which is fine but would love to have a good relationship with them as they get older where they actually want to see me not HAVE to see me!

I would say we have good relationships with our adult dc.

One thing I learned from my dm (as in, she was like this and it caused issues between us) was not to put too much pressure on them. They both went off to uni and I didn’t pester them about coming home to visit, or demand attention from them. I encourage them to live their lives and we catch up on weekends when everyone is free (we have a family WhatsApp that we have chit chat on through the week so although we are in touch there’s no pressure)

DH learned from his parents (again, how NOT to be) - once they’re adults, treat them like adults and don’t assume some kind of superiority because you’re older than them. His DF especially always thought he knew better, and we’d all be walking on eggshells trying not to offend him. We always felt like we were getting told off by him for one thing or another!

We’ve tried to just encourage them to enjoy life, travel, make their own mistakes if necessary, and get together for days/nights out where we have a good time as equals. Obviously we support them when they need it.

See them and love them for who they really are, not who you would like them to be. Don't expect them to be perfect.

No unsolicited advice and no demands are good starts.

Let them go and you get them back! Another thread on here, some one depressed about their DC going off to uni..you are jumping the gun anyway, but don't be the helicopter parent. Mine left home at 16 oldest DD live in job stables, then she moved 150 round trip,to London, permit parking only,a nightmare to visit.2 sons by 18 including one with RCBPD, who lives independently. Youngest DD left home at 18, she now lives 10 minutes away from us (We've done the retirement bungalow near the sea thing. Eldest DD has just left here actually, and now lives 45 minutes away.

I'm very hands off with mine. They all have houses and partners and jobs and pets and the last thing they need is something else that they feel obliged to have to make time for. Every few weeks I will drop a line and ask if they are free to meet up - either to come over for Sunday lunch (with partners) or for a dogwalk or even just for a browse around the shops. I have five and four of them live fairly locally, so if every fortnight I see one of them, then it's a couple of months before each one's 'turn' comes around again! Sometimes I'll drop in for a coffee (if I am passing and always with advance notice) and I find this is plenty for all of us. They also invite me over, so I usually see my daughters once a fortnight and my sons a little less frequently but around once a month.