When does it start to get better?

[Depressedmum25]

Single mum to 2 under 2. Eldest is suspected SEN. Living in a council flat on benefits. No family. Very small circle of friends. No savings. My father was/is abusive and his treatment of my and mum has mired my life.

I worked in academia before I had a family and my relationship broke down. Never had enough money to save to buy a house, but enough to afford a decent life living alone.

I'm so incredibly depressed at the moment I didn't even know it was possible to feel this low. It comes in waves so I can oscillate from dancing and prancing around with my toddler, cuddling and smelling my baby, to wanting to entirely cease to exist and wondering what possessed me to bring my beautiful children into the mess that is my life/the world.

Part of this is circumstantial- I've always been good at managing my money and can live frugally, but I have 4 unpaid bills at the moment and no way to pay them. I decided to go back to work this month but childcare has wiped out my emergency fund. Just did an Asda shop today full of yellow stickered items. I have nothing left. Worried to death about my eldest and this suspected SEN diagnosis. I feel incredibly guilty when I see them struggling. Feel ashamed about my relationship breakdown- I have only told 1 close friend.

I'm going to have to work my contract (fixed term) but don't know how on earth I will fund it. What I earn will go entirely on childcare (I cannot use a nursery since baby is too young, can't use a childminder because of eldest's needs, have tried for weeks to find an approved nappy to no avail). Then my UC will be cut because of my earnings. So not sure how I'm going to pay my rent, my bills for the next few months. I should probably cancel the job but I'm scared shirtless that I won't have any work to go back to when the time comes.

I look awful. Have no time for myself. No time for hobbies. I have a million unread books I've started but left. It seems like my life is on hold and I'm just trying to survive each day. When does it get better?

First of all, contact your GP or medical advise ASAP since it sounds like your need outside help for depression. Postpartum is no joke and talking to someone about it will really help.

Is your ex paying child support to help you with bills? Does he help with childcare? Don't think there is any shame in telling your close friends about it if they can help you.

2 under 2 is also absolutely brutal. It absolutely gets better, the first years are all about survival. You will have hobbies again, time for yourself and your eldest will get the support they need with SEN.

In the meantime, just concentrate on how amazing you are to have brought two lovely children into this world and that you are taking care of them. You're the best thing in their eyes. Be kind to yourself. Sending you a big virtual hug.

Can you apply for DLA for the eldest child? How far off getting a diagnosis are they?

It is hard. I am a single parent to 2 with SEN’s, they are now adults and it’s been a long hard journey but they have become amazing people. My youngest needs 24 hour care still at the age of 19. I have been in and out of part time work for years, trying to juggle caring for dd. It can be lonely at times and keeping on top of everything isn’t easy. Finding child care for a child with needs is really hard and near impossible. Some people are lucky to have family willing to help, sadly I wasn’t so I was forced to stop working. If your child is entitled to DLA you can then claim carers allowance or/and the carer component of Universal credit depending on what your earnings are. I have excepted that I will never own a house (I am 43 now and it’s just not going to happen).

Once your dc are in school you will have more time, things do get easier and more manageable as they get older.

@Brentinger @Moonlightfrog

Thank you so much for responding.

Ex is in a similar position financially. Nothing formal set up with regards to support, but he helps out when he can. I've ended up moving quite a bit away- it was the only place where I could get housing.. he sees the kids occasionally while we figure it all out, but he cannot help with childcare unfortunately.

I've really made a mess of my life. I have tried to see my GP but it'd been difficult to get an appointment with them. Also difficult to attend any appointments because of the kids.

Sorry to bump, hoping for more replies. Sorry

Your ex needs to do a lot more - helping out when he can is not enough. He needs to step up financially and he needs to spend time with his children. You could try mediation initially, but he either needs to work more to support his kids, or provide childcare so you can work.

You're on a fixed contract, but if it's costing you to work because of childcare costs, you should look into leaving - explain to your employers that it's not working for you re. childcare costs - they're not going to sue you for breach of contract, though if you think they could damage your reputation in your sector, you can say you or your kids are sick and leave because of that.

You should be able to agree payment plans with utility providers, but you need to let them know you're struggling.

You should use food banks and any other local charities who may be able to help - this is temporary and you should take all the help that's available.

I was a single parent, though only one so easier, and things were hard and money was tight for the first few years. You'll get free childcare in a couple of years, which will make a huge difference. You'll have time to work and just time for yourself.

You need to push with your doctors surgery that you need an urgent appointment due to mental health crisis. You need support, and maybe a medication will help, if not, your GP will be able to signpost to other supports.

It all sounds really hard now, but it does get better. You haven't made a mess of your life, you're just in the trenches with 2 very young children.

This is a hard phase when they're so dependent on you, and childcare is so expensive, and you're waiting for a diagnosis for your oldest so you can get him the supports he needs. It will get better.

When you are overworked or understand too much stress our mood goes down anyway. You could try meditation and make it a ritual to do one or two every day. You are doing a very important job at the moment that won't last forever, so keep reminding yourself as the months pass of the work you have done and that you are moving closer to school age. Every day may feel the same but your kids will be growing and moving forward and so will you. If there are any charities you can contact, local community etc. do reach out for support. Find a toddler group too. You can chat with other mums or relax while your kids play!

I think you could contact a charity like step change which helps with managing money. Try and get some help with benefits and what you are entitled to. See your GP or ask for a phone consultation if that’s easier with the children.
Do you have food banks near you?
Definitely try some charities for advice or co tact Citizens Advice. Maybe try your local church for support if that’s easier sits ok with you or a community group.
you will get through this

Hi @Depressedmum25 I am further along the path than you in that my two are now 18 & 21 (both SN & 'Dad' barely involved: it's been hard yards) Just as you feel you've got a grip, they change and grow but you will also adjust and manage. If it won't cause UC penalties cancel the job. Reach out to your GP - ask for an Urgent appt on MH support grounds- - take your kids along to the appt & explain you have no 'cover' and why. Apply for DLA for your eldest (brutal process but yiu don't need a diagnosis- IF it's awarded it will help you financially) Lots of other good advice upthread. You've not 'made a mess of your life' you are doing well. Every single day you get up & look after your kids, you dance & play with them. You are a great Mum. But reach out for some support for you too. I had someone tell me: 'you can't pour from an empty jug'. At the time I wanted to scream at them. But it's true. Keep posting, let us know how you are doing if you can x