Marriage but not sure it’s right

[Goldbirch25]

I didn’t want to put this in AIBU as think I’d get crucified!
I’m early 40s, two young children. I have a husband who is my best friend. But and it is a a big but, I never want to have sex.
I have always lost interest in partners, ex boyfriends etc after a few years but that coincided with falling out of love.
I really love my partner but I never want to have sex. Yes, I’m tired all the time and I carry a lot of the mental load but even if that changes I’m not sure this will.

He is a caring, loving partner who would never pressure me and that’s part of the turn off I think. All my ex partners have been not nice men, but the sex can and has at times been brilliant.

I’m unwilling to compromise on a good solid relationship for sex, and it’s not necessarily something I’m missing. But everyone else seems to be having great sex with their husbands and I worry we’re not ‘normal’.

He isn’t worried, he says that we have young kids and we love each other and are best friends and when we’re out of the trenches this will be ok.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I don’t want a sexless life and worry when the kids are gone where will we be? But equally I don’t really want to have sex, but I’m aware we ‘should’ be. Does this resonate with anyone?
I’ve never talked about this in real life, so please be gentle.

Does it matter what other people are doing?

If you're happy and he is happy what's the problem?

He sounds understanding and emotionally literate.

If you're worried you don't want sex for medical reasons then speak to your GP of you ultimately want to want sex. If you think it's just because you're in the pits of child rearing then have that honest discussion with your husband.

If you don't actually ever want to have sex ever again, then you definitely need to talk to him and see whether he is happy with a life like that.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead I wanted to come back straight away mainly to say thank you, for such a measured and sensible response to something that I am attaching such a huge amount of emotion to that I can’t really see the wood for the trees.

To respond to something of your very valid points, you are completely right - it doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing as long as we are happy.
To give a bit of background, and at the risk of it being a drip feed. I was in a number of relationships prior to my marriage whereas my DH was single for most of his adult life before he met me - his choice, he prioritised his career in a really competitive industry and only looked to settle down once he felt settled and confident. So I suppose I feel I am somehow depriving him? We fell in love, got married and had a baby quite quickly (we were both mid thirties) and are by and large very happy albeit with challenges along the way with Covid/money/usual family dramas.

I haven’t had the conversation of, what if this is how I feel and it’s a marriage without sex and you are absolutely correct. If that’s the case, he should have that information and we make decisions about our future with that in mind. I suppose there’s always been a reason, I had two bad pregnancies, broken sleep with young children and now I guess I’m facing peri menopause. I think I worry I’m wasting his life and opportunity to have a fulfilling sex life and I have guilt about that. I know he is happy with me, but he has such low expectations having been single for so long, he is happy to bumble along as we are and see what comes.
I appreciate this is a stream of consciousness response, but you were so insightful and thoughtful in your reply, I wanted to give the same thought to my response. Thanks for your input on this, it is appreciated.

Forget the sex then, and focus on the peri-menopause.

You won't ever want sex if you're putting pressure on yourself.

However if you are having peri-menopause symptoms you can ask your GP about HRT.

The focus should be managing your symptoms, giving you more energy, less brain fog, less night sweats and preventing any low moods that can come with peri-menopause.

If a happy side effect of that is that you have an increased sexual appetite, then what a bonus, but don't go into HRT with that being the ultimate goal otherwise you'll be holding yourself to somebody else's standard.

Still talk to your husband, explain what you've said here as you've explained it beautifully, and take it from there. It sounds like it isn't a priority for him either, just nice when it happens.

There are a lot of threads on mumsnet where a lot of people will jump to say women are depriving their husbands but off the Internet there are couples like yours (and mine) where there are just other priorities.

I'll give you some advice that my therapist passed on to me, and that is: he is just as responsible for communicating his wants and needs as you are of yours.

It's absolutely OK to open up communication about it if it's something bothering you, but you'll make yourself sick with worry if you assume something is bothering him when he hasn't actually said that it is. Let him be the one to tell you if he feels deprived or not, but it's OK to say you don't think you want to right now/for the foreseeable/until you've talked to someone about peri-menopause/ever, but you can't solve a problem if it's never talked about, and there might not even be a problem in the first place if he feels the same way.

You say your previous partners were not nice. Your current partner seems very nice. It sounds like maybe a part of you is expecting him to reveal a not nice side because that's what your used to?

He says he doesn't mind that you're not having sex, and your previous experiences may be making it hard for you to believe that he means it. But presumably he could have had a fullfiling sex life before he met you if he had wanted to. The fact that he chose to focus on his career instead suggests that sex is not a big priority for him.

First up, I just want to check if my understanding is correct. You don’t want to have sex with your DH, but you feel that you “should be” having sex, and don’t want a sexless relationship. Did I get that right?

The question then is do you not want sex ever, or is it just your DH that you don’t want sex with? Would you be happy to live your life never having sex again, regardless of this relationship? Is it just that you don’t enjoy sex with him? If that’s the case, why not? These are not questions you have to answer but to ask yourself.

i went through a few years where I really didn’t want to have sex with my DH. I’m not quite sure why. I think it was a combination of young kids, exhaustion and also I think I felt that he wasn’t prioritising my enjoyment, so I resented it. I went off the pill and suddenly got my libido back. I don’t know if it was related or just a coincidence but things have definitely improved since then, and it’s much more enjoyable and mutually satisfying. I don’t know if that helps, but wanted to let you know that it can come back. Maybe have a chat with your GP, and try changing things if you are on the pill, or try HRT if you think you are going through perimenopause. Also, try being the one who initiates it, and introduce things that you will enjoy, but first you need to want it otherwise it’s just you forcing yourself which might lead to more resentment.

I have been with DH for 25 years and would say that our sex life suits us both now. But there have definitely been years where sex was non existent between us. When the children were the same age as yours, we went a year with nothing at all.

There were so many factors to this but my DH was very understanding and the love between us is strong. Even now, my libido comes in bursts depending on the mental load that I am carrying. I have more energy now to engage because I know that it is what DH needs at times.

i would also urge you not to compare with past encounters simply because sex is such a logistics game with young children and also our bodies have changed so much.

Do you spend any time alone or have nights away?

It’s taken me a couple of days to come back to this. Partly because I have shared and written down so many feelings I haven’t acknowledged and I suppose partly because I don’t really want to face up or worry about this when there’s so many more pressing concerns day to day managing full time work, kids, ageing parents etc.

Firstly I want to say thank you, the replies I have had have been so measured and thought provoking it is sometimes surprising to me that strangers on the internet can be such a caring sounding board.

A lot of what has been said has really resonated. I am to an extent solving a problem that doesn’t exist in that my DH has not communicated any dissatisfaction with the status quo as it is.

To answer a couple of points, I don’t want to have sex in general right now. It’s not really a DH issue, in that I can’t imagine anything like that right now. But equally if I wanted to have sex it would be with him really. So I don’t want to not have sex ever, for the rest of my life, but I don’t want to have sex now or for the foreseeable future, with anyone.

This has given me a different perspective - the point that was made from a therapist, that I am not really responsible for his wants or communicating them I really ‘heard’. I do tend to be guilty of taking on others problems and solving them and so in this scenario, it is freeing to be reminded that this isn’t necessarily on me fully.

There has been some excellent advice here (apart from a creepy DM I received from a man). So no big update but it has been beyond reassuring to hear other’s experiences and to be able to talk about this in such a safe way. Thank you, I’m doing some thinking over the next few days and will talk a bit more with my DH who is, as you have said, is very kind, caring and supportive.

If you’re both not bothered it’s fine.

Some people are into sex all the time, others are pandas - they want sex sometimes, when comfy, when relaxed and happy. Maybe every few months.

If both partners are happy pandas then they’re normal and in a well suited relationship.

This is such a lovely response, and has sort of taking the potency from my anxiety and worry. I think we might both be happy pandas! He is certainly not pressurising me or worried and I am only worried because of the expectations I am putting on myself and our relationship. Thank you for puncturing my anxious bubble with such a straightforward and warm reply.