9 year old says he hates himself.

Albionsolutions · 2025-09-17T22:00:06+00:00

I’m really quite worried. Our 9 year old son has started saying that he hates himself. He has a small group of friends at school, but since returning to school, he feels excluded a little bit. We have noticed that he is rarely invited for playdates with school friends (we almost always end up hosting), but some of the other friends in his group invite each other over. In the last 2 weeks he has said several times that he hates himself. Reasons include: his hair, his freckles, he is ugly (he’s not!!!), his personality, he isn’t sure how he will get a wife when he is older. i don’t know if this is a phase that kids that age may go through, but I’m really worried. Both DH and I have had mental health issues in the past, and I am really worried about our son. does anyone have any advice or reassurance?

Jonathanu · 18/09/2025 01:50

It’s normal for kids to sometimes feel unhappy with themselves at this age. Listen to him, let him express his feelings, and encourage his strengths. Spending quality time and doing things he enjoys helps build confidence.
If these thoughts keep coming up or affect his daily life, consider talking to a child psychologist for extra support. Consistent reassurance goes a long way.❤️

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 18/09/2025 02:30

I'd reassure him that he is 9 years old and doesn't need to worry about the distant future.

He's seeking external validation because it seems like he's not getting it from his friendship group. Remind him of all the things he is good at and all the things you love about him. Remind him of times he's done things that have made other people feel good and that they love him for being him.

I'd also see if you can sign him up for some hobby groups so he can make new friends with similar interests and also feel that sense of accomplishment when he achieves something. It doesn't have to be competitive, just something fun with realistic targets that he enjoys doing.

Also have a word with school and see if he's being bullied for his appearance. His self consciousness may be internal judgements of himself but perhaps he's just wishing to change things others have passed judgement on him for.

Londog · 18/09/2025 03:01

So sorry to hear this ❤️ My DS is 18 now and still thinks of himself as “ chubby “ in his words, as other boys teased him for his moobs. He was always average weight in y5/6 and is very lean and fit as a flea now but those words stuck .. although I only found this info out from him recently .. sad 😞 Children are so influenced and hurt by throwaway, hurtful comments from their peers regarding appearance, which could be the case.. Have a word with his teacher to see what the friendship group dynamics are like and how his mood is post summer break.
You’re a great mum looking out for your lovely child ❤️

Original poster

Albionsolutions · 18/09/2025 10:31

Jonathanu · 18/09/2025 01:50

It’s normal for kids to sometimes feel unhappy with themselves at this age. Listen to him, let him express his feelings, and encourage his strengths. Spending quality time and doing things he enjoys helps build confidence.
If these thoughts keep coming up or affect his daily life, consider talking to a child psychologist for extra support. Consistent reassurance goes a long way.❤️

Is it? I can’t really remember being his age very much. I can remember age 11 onwards a lot better.

thanks so much for replying.

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Original poster

Albionsolutions · 18/09/2025 10:35

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 18/09/2025 02:30

I'd reassure him that he is 9 years old and doesn't need to worry about the distant future.

He's seeking external validation because it seems like he's not getting it from his friendship group. Remind him of all the things he is good at and all the things you love about him. Remind him of times he's done things that have made other people feel good and that they love him for being him.

I'd also see if you can sign him up for some hobby groups so he can make new friends with similar interests and also feel that sense of accomplishment when he achieves something. It doesn't have to be competitive, just something fun with realistic targets that he enjoys doing.

Also have a word with school and see if he's being bullied for his appearance. His self consciousness may be internal judgements of himself but perhaps he's just wishing to change things others have passed judgement on him for.

He does a few activities: one is a sport that he isn’t mad keen on, but needs to do to stay active. The other is cubs which he loves. He also has maths tuition which he enjoys.

He doesn’t seem to handle disagreements particularly well (possibly lack of Practice from being an only child), and has always been a wee bit highly strung (I am too, but much mellower in my 40s)

Ive asked him if anyone mentioned his appearance, but he said no one at school. He did say that I mentioned his freckles (this was months ago and I noticed he had a couple of cute freckles, but it was not an insult or anything: I honestly didn’t think anything of it at the time)

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ComfortFoodCafe · 18/09/2025 10:39

Is he allowed to go out & knock on his friends doors? That might help?

Tam285 · 18/09/2025 10:58

Is he ND OP? Autistic? This is around the age that it started to become more noticeable with DS who was 10 when he was diagnosed. I don't think it's 'normal' for boys to feel like this at this age. You also describe his as a bit highly strung, having difficulty with handling disagreements and not really invited on play dates - very sensitive perhaps? Which could fit.

You might find that the other kids are just starting to get a bit more into what's 'cool' and more grown up things and if DS isn't 'growing up' at the same speed then he may start to get side lined - I found this very much with mine at least.

It many not be that at all, but it's worth considering I think or at least bearing in mind as he gets older.

Ficklebricks · 18/09/2025 11:01

My daughter had this around the same age. She has now been diagnosed with autism but she didn't show a lot of the obvious signs until she was much older. In hindsight I think she always had a feeling that she didn't quite fit in, there was something different about her. So she blamed her physical appearance because kids aren't very good at looking inwards. Now she is learning to embrace her difference and she's more confident but it was a tricky a few years.

Original poster

Albionsolutions · 18/09/2025 12:59

ComfortFoodCafe · 18/09/2025 10:39

Is he allowed to go out & knock on his friends doors? That might help?

No. None of his friends live in the same neighborhood sadly. We are surrounded by main roads, and in fairness most of them go to a lot of activities or tuition outside of school

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Original poster

Albionsolutions · 18/09/2025 13:01

Tam285 · 18/09/2025 10:58

Is he ND OP? Autistic? This is around the age that it started to become more noticeable with DS who was 10 when he was diagnosed. I don't think it's 'normal' for boys to feel like this at this age. You also describe his as a bit highly strung, having difficulty with handling disagreements and not really invited on play dates - very sensitive perhaps? Which could fit.

You might find that the other kids are just starting to get a bit more into what's 'cool' and more grown up things and if DS isn't 'growing up' at the same speed then he may start to get side lined - I found this very much with mine at least.

It many not be that at all, but it's worth considering I think or at least bearing in mind as he gets older.

He could be: never diagnosed. A few teachers previously said there was no signs. But both DH and I have some ND traits, and all of my sisters children (5 of them) have autism

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Original poster

Albionsolutions · 18/09/2025 13:02

Ficklebricks · 18/09/2025 11:01

My daughter had this around the same age. She has now been diagnosed with autism but she didn't show a lot of the obvious signs until she was much older. In hindsight I think she always had a feeling that she didn't quite fit in, there was something different about her. So she blamed her physical appearance because kids aren't very good at looking inwards. Now she is learning to embrace her difference and she's more confident but it was a tricky a few years.

a few people online have commented similar on various old threads i have read. I’m wondering if that could be the case. Unfortunately where I live; they are no longer diagnosing autism

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Skybluepinky · 18/09/2025 13:03

Get him some help for his mental health before it becomes out of control.

Original poster

Albionsolutions · 18/09/2025 13:31

Skybluepinky · 18/09/2025 13:03

Get him some help for his mental health before it becomes out of control.

Thanks: can you recommend the best way to do that?

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Clothingwoes82 · 18/09/2025 16:31

You could get a referral (I think in some places you can self-refer or through the school) to the school health/nursing team; they can offer sessions of emotional resilience/mental health support.

Or pay privately for a play therapist.

Original poster

Albionsolutions · 18/09/2025 18:38

Clothingwoes82 · 18/09/2025 16:31

You could get a referral (I think in some places you can self-refer or through the school) to the school health/nursing team; they can offer sessions of emotional resilience/mental health support.

Or pay privately for a play therapist.

I’ve raised to his teacher to see what support can be put in place. Thanks so much. I suspect that I will have to pay for it privately if I’m honest

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