I think I am done with my relationship for my own wellbeing

[Dogstar78]

Hi,
This evening I am stsying at my MIL contemplating leaving my partner (not married MIL just easier)

We've been together 12 years. Lived together for 8 years. I left my home and moved into his with his two daughters and my son. The daughters are now 29 and 21 and my son is 14.

His daughters have made my life a living hell. I put up with it because I knew things would not be easy blending a family. I have always turned the other cheek, done my best by them. Their mum basically tapped out of parenting partially because they were so awful and she couldn't handle them and has literally lived at the bottom of our road for 8 years and had very little to do with the younger one in particular.

My partner has always worshipped and idolized his younger daughter and basically she has turned into a rude and entitled little brat. Even her own family can't stand what she has become. My partner eventually had enough and asked her to go and live with her mum for a while.

She doesn’t have a job, contributes nothing, never helps around the house etc. Watches me clean her bathroom because she knows if I complain or ask her to do it, she run to him and say I am being mean to her. He has basically created a monster and he has recently had to face up to this truth.

She has spent that last few months telling tails in the family and trying to turn people against each other. Everyone is exhausted with it. To detail the depth of how awful they have both been would make this too long.

She has really put my partner through the ringer recently to the point I've been worried about his health and I have stood by and supported him. Despite her appalling behaviour I am always trying to support a better relationship/ outcome.

She is very manipulative and I have to tred on eggshells in my own house because she will twist a situation and turn my partner on me all the time. This evening she came back to collect some stuff. I didn't know she was coming, she caught me on the hop and I was a bit shocked. I just opened the door and let her in. I didn't really want to talk to her. My partner went mad at me in front of my son for not talking to her. This sort of pattern happens all the time, despite me trying to be the peacemaker constantly between them. He went mad because she sent him a text saying I didnt greet her..her Dad kicked her out last week and changed the locks and I am supposed to greet her with a sunny smile. This pattern happens constantly.

I moved away from where I live to be with him. My own house happens to be coming free in a couple of weeks- tenant moving out. I have been my mum's carer since my Dad died last year. My own house is 5 mins from her. I am very tempted just to leave and not look back. I dont think he will ever change his pattern of behaviour. His girls can have him to himself, so they can control and manipulate him fully. His family have been nothing but amazing to me because they see what is going on.

My partner is a good man and we really could have grown old together, but I cant change this situation. My only fear is the upheaval it will cause my son. However, my step-daughter has always created a tense atmosphere and at times been very nasty and spiteful to him. He loves my mum and spending time with her. I COULD drive him to school everyday and work from my gym, to see him through his GCSEs. It would be about 1.5 hrs each way. I don't really want to move him. It is an important time and I fought tooth and nail for this school to meet his SEN.

I think it's the end isn't it? The only other option I see is that he moves in with me for a while to get some distance from his girls and see how that goes.

I feel like such a failure, he not my son's dad BTW. Thanks for reading this.

Sounds like the move will be the best thing for you and your son.
You seem to think it's over with your partner, some people never change, he will continue in this pattern.
Good luck

Op, I’m genuinely sorry you are facing this situation but you understandably are describing events from your perspective alone.

Your partner will have a different viewpoint as will your youngest sdd. It’s natural and right that he supports his adult children.

Sorry but however difficult your relationship is with your dsd, or however difficult she is, I don’t think it’s cool for you to describe her as a monster on sm. She’s probably a young woman who has felt very insecure and rejected when her parents split up.

I don’t know what you are looking for from this thread but lots of twenty-one year olds are very selfish and entitled until they gain some life experience and maturity. We were all young once! They behave like this precisely because they are not fully baked yet! As parents we tolerate this period because we love our adult children and we know it’s more than likely a temporary phase, and we can still very much appreciate their good points as well as the bad. For step parents, this phase is more challenging.

But bluntly op, if theoretically I had a dd who appeared at the front door and my dh didn’t greet her in a civil way, and refused to speak to her, I would be upset too.

Even though your dp has asked his dd to move out to live with her mum for a while; that should not alter the way that you interact with her as you should be stepping aside from getting involved in their father-daughter relationship.

As for her manipulative behaviour, people often behave this way because it worked for them as children when they felt powerless.

Incidentally, it doesn’t sound like the mum tapped out of the relationship quite as you describe if she is being called upon to accommodate her dd now and your dsd is agreeing to go and live there. They obviously have some form of relationship if they are willing to give this a go.

Sorry op but I think it is a good idea for you and your son to move out and give this family some space to repair their relationships.

And - sorry again - maybe re-read what you have written;

The only other option I see is that he moves in with me for a while to get some distance from his girls and see how that goes

You are honestly suggesting that your dp should put some distance between himself and his daughters in order that he can maintain a relationship with you. In what world do you honestly think that is right, reasonable, or sustainable?

The best time to put an end to this dysfunctional relationship was 12 years ago. The second best time is now.

Thank-you and @Gingersky1234 I am afraid this what everyone thinks. I have always been the one to stand up for her. Get my partner to ser the other side. I jave taken her to all her classes, picked her up when she is sick, dealt with boyfriend boyfrie.d problems. Even though her and her sister want nothing more than to see me gone after all these years. If ignoring a child that lives a few doors away for 14 years then HAVING to her stay for a couple of weeks, she has complaineed every day, is probably not the best parenting I would say.

My partner is practically having a breakdown over what his girls are putting him through and he has a heart condition. A couple of months geographically located away from them I think would help to repair the situation.

I know 21 year old are like this, that is what I tell him but this is another level and actually if it wad just that, that would be OK.

I think the best thing for you and your DS is to leave. It will never improve.

I would move back to give your son a nice home environment for a while (Ask son if he would want to go) give yourself a little time and space and consider what you want going forward from there. And the girls time to gain some maturity and hopefully independence It sounds like life has been all about the girls your son may appreciate being the focus for a while. Discuss this with your partner communication will help rather than feeling resentful.

Fair enough op. You have invested a lot of care and time in to this relationship;
I understand how upset you must be feeling.

The situation with your dsd’s mother won’t have helped her ability to regulate her feelings and I do understand how hard it is to always be the bad guy when you are trying your best.

It will probably take a good five to seven years before this situation improves so the outcome is probably the same; leaving probably being the best choice. There’s perhaps too much water under the bridge now? I think some space would benefit all of you. Good luck!

Sell you house when tenants move out.

Buy new house close to your sons school.

Get a house that's big enough so your mum can move in with you.

You know what.. in the fug of everything going on I didn't consider that. Seriously, I never want a relationship ever again.

if your son is in year 10 I would rent somewhere until he finishes his gcses then move into your house. Or sell your house and buy one close to your sons school if you and him like the area?