Ds9 behaviour

[Beansandcheesearegood]

Ds9 is struggling. Hes getting into trouble in school- low level stuff talking, not finishing work, saying he doesn't know what he should ve doing etc.
At home he has tonight refused to go to an activity which he goes to every week. He refused last minute and we share lifts with another family so it was very awkward letting the other family down. He refused as he said it was boring and no amount of talking by me or DH could make him go. We explained we had paid/ we would reevaluate for next week/ he was letting other down etc. He point blank said no. Im more annoyed he's said no to us than about the actual activity.
But what do we do now? Hes had a consequence for refusing to do as he's asked by both parents but I feel we should be doing more. Advice?

I'd have said that he still had to take his friend as that was agreed, and could sit on the side if he wasn't going to join in. But just not going wasn't an option. Total ballache for you of course.

Thanks @Springadorable it was the other way around- friends parent takes and we pick up but yes I did think we should have done something like this. Just hope this isn't the start of something- i worry he's refusing to do something we've asked at 9.

Is he interested in the activity? I do feel there’s a compromise to be struck if he’s not interested. He attends till the period you’ve paid for ends, then he can choose a different activity. In the meantime no screens if he refuses.

@LondonGalll that's his exact consequence! No screens!
Yes we're not overly invested in this activity it's Cubs so different each time, sometimes he loves the activities other times it's 'boring' but it's the type of activity you either attend all or nothing- so we've paid this term abd will encourage him to go but if not interested i think he might drop it. He does other sports activities so at least does something. It just suprised / annoyed us as such late notice to decide he wasn't going, then to outright refuse....

IME children go through a few activities before they find the one that is right for them. I never felt that it was necessary to make them go if they felt it was not for them. But I was clear that if they stopped they stopped and no dithering back and forth - sometimes this made them reconsider, others they were happy to have shed something that they were not enjoying.

I do not think your son has behaved badly - you have a load of other considerations around it: you've paid so don't want the money wasted; you are embarrassed because of the friend and the shared lifts. It is not wrong for him to have a clear preference for what he wants to do, just as we all have. It is not something he has to do.

It sounds as though he is struggling with the rigidity of the school regimes, so I can understand that cubs might feel a bit like something similar to struggle with. It is not for everyone.

If he was refusing to wash/bath or something that he actually needs to do then there would be a different response. It is not an act of naughtiness - it is an expressed preference over something that is basically optional - a chance to tell him that you respect the fact that he is entitled to have a preference, whilst also explaining in a neutral way the possible reasons why it might be good to think about going.

We all as adults try stuff out and then find it is not for us - no-one tells us as are behaving badly when we make a rational choice.

There may be things going on at cubs that he finds unacceptable - or indeed that you might find so if you knew about them.

@Mischance thanks ill take this on board. As I said it was the last minute decision and refusal that has annoyed me. I won't make him continue at Cubs if he dislikes it, but when they go kayaking fishing camping etc he will want to go so we do need to chat about being in a team and doing the boring as well as the fun stuff. Its no clear preference- he went last week. Its nothing to do with something bad going on in cubs . I feel the bad behaviour was refusing to go at the last minute- letting people down, it's not something we do as adults so dont want him to start- if he says he's going he needs to go. If he wants to stop in tbe future that's fine. He is struggling with school I think so we need to have a proper chat amd see what's going on.

Just sit with him and try to show compassion and gain understanding

So you punish him because he’s embarrassed you - even though you know he’s struggling at school?

@padronpepper no you may have misunderstood, we punished him because he refused to do as asked by his parents.

I think we need to tread carefully when deciding what we tell children to do if we have the expectation that they must always do as they are told.
I really can see how awkward it was for you that he refused to go at the last minute. I do not think I would have punished him but taken on board his preference ... it felt like a defiant action on his part that risked punishment as he could see you were cross. This is what makes me feel there is a strong reason behind his action rather than a casual whim.
When the dust settles he needs a gentle discussion about it all that explains why you felt cross, acknowledges his right to have choices respected and helps him to understand how things work when it comes to making commitments.
From about this age as time goes by he will make many choices that you might not entirely agree with as he establishes his growing independence and it will be necessary to pick your battles!

I wouldn’t punish my child for not going to an activity. Perhaps he’s tired, under the weather. It’s the start of term and I’ve noticed kids energy levels have already taken a little dip.