It's a SIL issue

[Aarghhhhhhhhhhhhh]

SIL never left home, now middle-aged and lives alone with FIL. Significant MH issues, but was shielded so never got help. Feel sorry for her she never got a chance at independence, but on the other hand she is a malicious PITA. Has very strong opinions on everything and literally rages if she does not get her own way.

I have a DH problem - he does not stand up for his own family when she visits and snoops around picking and criticising. I can't really see a solution. I don't think she would be at all willing to accept any help and I would not want another blast of malicious interference. DC wary and does not enjoy having her around - she has been harmful on occasion, including to DC. I want to be polite but minimise contact and in no situation will she be alone with DC. DH pretends it is all fine.

Thanks for letting me offload. Feel a bit better writing it down anonymously and sending it out for wise Mumsnetters to offer words of commiseration and wisdom,

Stop inviting her round? Meet up outdoors in a cafe or at your FILs. Or send dh round and you & the kids do somethint else.

@ComfortFoodCafe This is precisely what I would do if I did not have a DH problem. Holidays there usually end up with us having a major bust up.

She wants to see DC but has actively made the house dangerous for young kids. Changing details a bit, but along the lines of installing a garden pond before toddler DC visited, removing the fence to the road when they were a bit older then wanting them to play outside so the house didn't have any trace of children in it. Yes it is 100 per cent our issue to watch them around hazards, but does not make for an appealing visit. And... that is on top of the constant picking and criticism. Then the rages out of nowhere.

What’s the plan for her when DFIL can no longer “shield” her?

I think the obvious solution is to stop inviting her round and stop taking your children to her unsafe house. She sounds unhinged. As though she wants them to be in danger 😥Trust me, you will never win with a person like that. Don't underestimate the energy they put into their malicious behaviour and think it will calm down one day. It never does, it just gets worse.

Well, make a fuss. Stop being so meek. Tell her to butt out if she criticises while she's in your house, or, better yet, stop inviting her, and make it clear you will not visit while their house is unsafe.

Yes this. If she kicks off in your home, you need to calmly but very sternly say “Sandra, calm down or I will ask you to leave.” And if she continues, “right I asked politely and you ignored me so now you need to leave our home. Speak to you in a few days when youve had a chance to calm down.”

Tell DH you aren’t going but he can visit her without you and DC?

@BallybunionTao has good advice. If you are blunt with her, she might fall out with you and that saves you the bother!