How do I help my son make (and keep) friends?

[Puffykins]

DS is 15. He's slightly autistic - by which I mean he's formally diagnosed (since he was 10, also with ADHD) but high functioning, he doesn't need extra help, he does well in school (no extra help there either) but, struggles to read a room, and I know he can be irritating - he can come across as a bit intense, and as someone who tries too hard.

But, he's bright, he's funny, he's kind. He's super musical, and wants to put a band together. Teachers all like him (he's well behaved, polite, does his work on time.) He's enthusiastic.

He had good friends at primary school - and they're still friends. A really nice group of boys who have seen each other through a lot (including DS having cancer) but they're all at different schools and we moved away and so they don't see each other that often.

And now, at secondary school, no one seems to like him. They walk away from him, they make 'jokes' about catching a disease from him (he's clean, he doesn't smell - and truly, he's not unattractive.) Not all of them - but enough to make it unpleasant. There was a girl he was friends with - she came to our house in the holidays, DS took her to the cinema - today, her brother accidentally tripped over DS's leg and cut his lip when he fell, and she's left DS a series of vile voice notes about how she doesn't care if it was an accident, she now hates DS, the whole school hates him, etc.

Meanwhile, another boy he was friends with through a club outside school has stopped wanting to hang out. I suspect DS was over enthusiastic and wanted him to hang out more than the other boy wanted to (they used to go skateboarding together.)

I'm rambling, but all of this - it sort of breaks my heart. I just want him to have friends, and to enjoy being a teenager. And I don't understand why people don't like him. Surely the good qualities weigh out the irritating? And how do I help him? I don't want to quash his character. But also, I so desperately want him to have friends. And he wants that too.

I didn't want to read and run, I'm sorry that your son is having such a hard time. My son is also like yours-it's heartbreaking and I don't know what to do either.

@Witchywoowoowoo thank you for your message. I'm so sorry this is happening to your DS too.

Your son sounds amazing. And the last thing you want him to do is change his personality to fit in. Friendships at that age can be rocky. Help him understand that not everyone will “click” and that’s normal. I'd also encourage quality over quantity, one or two solid friends is better than trying to be liked by everyone. He'll find his tribe, I'm sure of it, and you sound like such a lovely Mum so just keep supporting him.

When I was young, I didn't make friends until I went to college as there were a wider range of people there than at my secondary school. Are there any local video games or boardgame clubs nearby? There tends to be a good amount of those with autism who go to them and they also tend to be far more accepting of those who don't fit the standard mold.

Same here. My son accepts any crumbs of attention from the other kids, which some of them use as a means of testing how far they can push him/abuse him. In primary school they'd tell him to sit on a certain bench at lunchtime today and they'd let him play tomorrow (they didn't). As teenagers it's worse.

I'm going to encourage my son to try the school clubs at lunchtime again. What's the pastoral care like at your school? Our head of year tries to help.

God kids can be absolutely brutal to each other! OP are there any lunch time or after school clubs he would be interested in? Just spending time with people who have similar interests (not necessarily making it a formal friendship) would be a positive step.

@SeaGreenSeaGlass the pastoral care is actually really good, and DS does clubs etc. One of the main issues is transport. In the summer he/ we cycles to school (I peel off before he and DD get to the gates) - yesterday we had 45mph winds so he got the train, which is when a lot of the worst stuff happens. I'm not sure how, heading into winter, we avoid this. (There isn't another means of transport, there are only 2 trains an hour, I work full-time and cannot do pick up.)

And I'm so sorry to hear it's happening to so many other kids too. They can be so cruel to each other!

Ahh, dirty to hear your DS is struggling. Teens are brutal and will pick on/avoid anyone who is ‘’different’. Doesn’t matter if he’s the kindest and nicest boy, that’s not what the other children are looking for.
DD struggled w friendships - she was always on the edge of groups and was ‘awkward’ in her ways. But it def improved in sixth form and at uni she’s met people more like her and has loads of friends. She’s ADHD and def has autistic traits although never been tested for that.

I would advise that your DS tries some out of school activities where he might meet more like-minded children. You can’t force friendships but you can try to help your DS meet others like him.

The school transport situation sounds really difficult. The psychology of why some kids want to pick on others is definitely relevant - even if our children to to avoid them, they seek out those who are different don't they?
Would your only other safe option be taxis if he doesn't cycle?

Your poor son!

Apart from the music, he sounds pretty much like me. I actually didn't have this trouble at secondary school but I did at my first primary school and also university.

I think the best way to make friends is through shared interests - so clubs at school or out of school.

He might also benefit from some coaching on how to better interact with people..... for example taking turns and not interrupting, talking only briefly about his special interests.

Looking back on my life, I have always better in more diverse (and therefore more open-minded) environments - so in my first primary school I had no friends at a- it was very white middle class Home Counties place; my second was in a different town and very multicultural and and my secondary school was also very multicultural. At uni, I did a business course and the people on it just weren't nerdy enough for me. (My original plan had been to study maths). After that, I worked in various technology companies which were almost certainly full of undiagnosed autistic people and many nationalities.