Why is my 14-year-old son like this?

[Yellowhollyhocks]

My son has a few quirks and I'm wondering if anyone here can shed some light on why.

He was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago, but I think there is something else.

The main issue that is bothering me is how he interacts with me. He invades my personal space a lot, and I'm less tolerant of it as he gets older. For background, he slept in my bed many nights until he was ten (would badger me).

He always sleeps in his own room now, but I can hardly relax when he's here because he wants to 'chill' in my bedroom with me when I go there to relax.

Sometimes during chats, it's hard to bear. He moves limbs, might stick his tongue out and wriggle it, fidgets with nearby objects, flip phone up and down and might stare intently at me during the conversations. It's all way too intense for me as it gives me huge sensory overload.

I've told him not to come in my room, but he won't stop coming in. I redirect him to spending time together in kitchen/ living room, his room, or we go to a cafe or restaurant, but he still does it.

He also does things like tap me on the shoulder if passing me, makes sudden loud, sharp 'bark' noises, stands too close to me and other things that people do to annoy others. He always says he's joking and doesn't mean to upset or annoy me.

Another thing he does is call me by my first name when I ask him not to.

When he was younger, he used to say to me that he was me ( my first name) and would try to get me to confirm this by repeating it back to him ( I didn't, but it was a big phase for him aged around 7- 8.) he has always been clingy and bordering on obsessed with me.

Also, he would solomly (sp?) say my full name, for example, if passing me in the hallway or kitchen. It riles me so I asked him to stop, but he wouldn't.

Even now, he might send me a text or voicemail just saying my name.

He asks for his favourite dish by inserting my name in the middle of the word (e.g. Spag- Chloe-bolognaise) and does the same for lots of things.

So there is that, and lots of trouble at school (three stints at PRUs so far, mainly due to swearing at teachers if he feels backed into a corner.)

Ive explained many times that my bedroom is my personal space, but he doesn't ( or doesn't want to) get it. He insists he means no harm. He stops temporarily if I threaten no pocket money.

Maybe he will grow out of it, I don't know. He has lots of friends he's had for years, several different groups and is popular with them. Mostly great kids.

Has anyone had similar or can shed any light?

Is he medicated? If not then perhaps consider it.
(mother of ND kids here - meds has made a not unexpected impact on impulse control)

It sounds like you don't like him and haven't for a long time if you're still talking about stuff he did that anoyed you when he was 7! The poor boy is probably desperately craving a connection with you. Go to therapy and work on yourself before it's too late to have a relationship with him.

It sounds like dopamine seeking behaviour and possibly a need for you to acknowledge him and make him feel better about himself.

the noises. The poking. The repeating annoying things.
I have experience of all of these too with a similar age ND child.

you have to remember. They are not 14 in all areas of development. More like 11. View bus behaviour through that lens and it becomes easier to understand and withstand it. Despite the behaviour being really annoying.

he needs another avenue to get that dopamine hit. My child plays sport. Lots of it. Especially team sport. And we send him running or trampolining too.
we also limit screens until homework / chores are done.
he loves audio books.

but he is still a PITA sometimes. Almost exactly as you describe.

often worse on days where he has had no routine. Or has had a heavy day at school.

mum is a safe place to let it all hang out.

I have to say I don’t spend much time in my bedroom alone tho. We are usually together in the living room. And he seeks out quieter spaces to get away from us!!!

my downtime is after he goes to bed. And I try to feed dinner early so he is in bed shortly after 8. So I do get some time alone…..

Put a lock on your door.

I'd really look into DBT, it's great for developing emotional regulation and giving him a space to talk about anything as well. Get a therapist whose experienced with ADHD and it will take time to develop a bond but that's normal. If they can intergrade some play or art therapy as well that could be very useful.

How's his academics? It's not the main priority but does he enjoy school, is he progressing somewhat? I'd be getting him to try a different ADHD medication as soon as, whether you tell him it's paracetamol or some supplement or crush it into a drink, medication will help him to stay focused in school and not get overwhelmed.

I'd also be getting onto getting him a referral for a social worker or support worker for both you and him, to have a longer support plan.

I thought DBT was always done in groups?

OP I am living in a similar situation. It’s anything but fun. I have 2 children who do something quite similar. I feel hounded. I always feel like I’m in fight or flight mode. The younger one follows me around asking for hugs CONSTANTLY. He is 10!
Ex was abusive and also DARVO .
I’m pretty sure I have CPTSD from years of emotional abuse. Unfortunately I think the kids have learned some of these patterns.
One PP mentioned that some ND kids will chase a dopamine hit . I think there’s something in this.
I fully understand what you mean when you talk about sensory overload and hiding away. I also do the same thing having to get out for a walk or hide away in my bedroom or even in the bathroom at times! I know that I am very poor at having and enforcing personal boundaries and I think by breaking those boundaries they get relief or a dopamine hit . It feels abusive. But they are children. it’s very troubling . I think the way forward is to strengthen yourself and your boundaries. There are some really good videos on YouTube about how to parent well with boundaries.

Put a lock on your bedroom door

I take myself off to my bedroom every weekend to get away from teens.

I need time to myself as they are constantly arguing, looking for food or for me to do or get something from them.

I know other mums who say that they are doing paperwork/sorting clothes etc just to get some peace from their kids.

I think its very normal tbh OP.

I wouldn't find your DS 'fun' either if it was constant which it sounds like it is. I'd find it smothering and would get very irritable but I'm introverted and this would exhaust me.

No it can be done in group but also 1-2-1, I know lots of people who've done it individually. Sometimes in inpatient psychiatric care it's mainly done in groups but that's for many reasons, support of peers, easier to have big groups at once etc. Or sometimes its a mix of both so maybe one individual session every 2 weeks and then group weekly.

However perhaps you are in a different country or area which has changed it due to demand etc?

OP make sure you spend time by yourself, get hom childcare and go out, get a drink, go on a run or walking, do some classes like trampolining or spin, go get something to eat and read a book in a cafe. It doesn't matter what it is, but spend time away from him, he loves you and you love him but it's a lot to have him that clingy and he needs to learn boundaries. There's a great book called 'Can We Talk About Consent?', it may help him to understand boundaries more, I recommend getting him to read it or reading it with hi..

Others may disagree but I'd start from stronger boundaries with your DS - especially as both of you had experience of abusive past. Does he have contact with his dad/brother? How does he behave with other women and girls? What are his male role models like? Would it help to seek support for yourself first?

ADHD is s bit of a red herring here in terms of approach - yes he's likely to have an emotional maturity of someone 2-3 years younger, but the behaviours you are describing (lack of respect for boundaries, disregard for lack of consent,issues with authority figures) can easily get him in trouble with others when he's older, and he's 14 already.

I was also going to suggest you get some therapy OP. Not because you are doing anything wrong but just your own space to vent and explore how this impacts you. You sound scared of him which must be really difficult in your own home. I love a bit of meditation and yoga and think it can be really helpful, but like you say it doesn't make a difference in the moment to how you are feeling. I was also thinking about how much he is craving your attention and you experience this as him being obsessed with you. There is a lot you could talk about in therapy here.

I don’t think it’s unusual to want time to yourself but I do think it’s unusual to ban children from certain parts of the house and to be doing soo much work (yoga meditation and a few other things mentioned) to try and be able to cope with being around them, or to still be talking about things a small child used to do that annoyed you because they wanted their mum.

I do think he sounds like he’s silly and cheeky and has adhd and is dopamine hunting. I do understand that is not fun to experience all the time and that you might need a break from that but it sounds like op has reached a limit (understandably) and is now unable to deal with anything at all from him which is probably hard for him too. Op I think you need to address why he’s acting like this, I know you’ve said he won’t do medication, would he look at non medicated strategies to dealing with adhd symptoms, there are often support groups around for example or adhd specific therapy.
Can you help him get the dopamine hit other ways at all? Eg does he do any sport? Or have hobbies? (That might also get him out the house more too) and also consider why he needs that connection. It sounds like he’s witnessed abuse and has an abusive father and now a mother who (again, understandably) is withdrawing, he might be looking for negative attention for some reassurance and connection.

That sounds exhausting op and anything but fun. My dd is a little like that but not to that extent, thank God! The only thing I can suggest is a lock on your door and set times when you can have time to yourself. So you watch tv together til say 8 then you have an hour alone before his bed time, or an hour alone after tea or whatever. I can understand that him invading your space, especially now that he is getting bigger is difficult for you particularly given the fact that his dad and older brother were abusive. He isn't a toddler, he is old enough to understand that other people have needs, he needs company and attention, you need time alone, perhaps you could involve him in drawing up a schedule that would suit both of you.

You are not being firm enough.

He is more than capable of leaving you alone because when you threaten to take his pocket money away, he stops.

I think parents often excuse poor behaviour and just blame ADHD.

Start taking away his phone, or computer, or xbox, or literally do not give him his pocket money.

He will soon start to listen.

Refusing things seems to be a big feature. Perhaps look into PDA.

On behalf of all parents of ADHD kids

I'd suggest getting an independent Occupational Therapist with expertise in sensory processing to come and see you both at home (or videoing the behaviour if you see someone in a clinic). The behaviour looks to me like it's sensory seeking (I see others writing about dopamine seeking - it could be that too) and an OT is the right professional to suggest alternative ways of meeting both of your sensory needs.

@Sdpbody Totally agree- the amount of excuses being made for him is so unhelpful for OP who feels badgered and worn out (Understandably so)

I’m no expert on ND and I wish I had some sensible advice and strategies for OP. All I can think of is to say I would feel very frustrated by his behaviour and I can completely understand why she feels as she does.

If it were my son i’d be putting firm rules in place and there’d be consequences for his actions- ADHD or not. I wouldn’t be running to therapy as others have suggested, or indulging him in his incredibly annoying, immature behaviour.

I appreciate his ND means he may need extra support in some capacity, but I wouldn’t just accept his current behaviour because of his diagnosis.

Thanks everyone for the advice. Some very good ideas. Will check out occupational therapist and will also look more at PDA. Also a lock on my bedroom door, a book about boundaries and stronger consequences.

Does he have OCD? I bet his mind is playing tricks on him, imagining terrible things will happen if he doesn’t tap mum’s shoulder; voices telling him to always keep you close. I’m going through something similar with my DS, I fear that he’s terrified all the time.

Some of these sound like my ds who has adhd.

This is actually quite possible, OP. Maybe look into this

not sure why posters have been thinking you must be ND because you get sensory overload from him. It’s perfectly normal to get sensory overload and be NT. it sounds like you just need an escape sometimes and then it’s really stressful when he doesn’t respect your personal space and follows you. I would also struggle with this. You can’t decompress if he’s always there.

If he can manage to leave you alone if he thinks he will lose pocket money then he can do it. I would be very firm about him not entering your room if you’ve asked him not to. ADHD does not mean he can follow you about everywhere and not respect your personal space. He needs to learn boundaries. However, I would consider what the pp had said about OCD as a possibility too for the random calling out your name and texting it. It does sound a bit compulsive and might need to be looked into

It sound very typical of ADHD traits to me, someone who has extensive experience in this area. As well as typical teenage boy behaviour. It also sounds as though you maybe be ND yourself.

I understand it may be overwhelming. He really won't mean anything by it and to much of his behaviour, genuinely won't be able to help it either. You're just going to have to set and maintain the firm boundaries you're trying to impose.

Get a lock for your room and keep it locked - whether you're in it or not, so he becomes conditioned to not being able to go in there.